Today has been a very long day and I am not even tired yet. I don't know if this is a manic phase or what, I haven't had one in so long. I had a list of stuff to do today a page long and I got everything done and fast. I feel so good, it's like a drug to me to get something done. It just makes me feel so good.
I managed to find the time today to look into a fetish club that I used to go to about 8 years ago. It's closed but I ended up in a sea of fetish sites and local events for people who are into various fetishes. I don't have a really kinky sex life but I am looking for a solution to my sex problems with my husband.
Once I found this stuff I thought that I would try to find a way to make myself go. I wanted to go with my best friend because when I am with her I feel like people aren't looking at me. She is very pretty and guys like to look at her. I can sort of fad into the background when she is around. I like that feeling. All the while I wish that I could have her body and get the attention that she gets. Maybe one day.
When my husband got home from work I was really excited to tell him about the fetish parties and see if he would be interested in going. He starts the conversation with "You know I am not into that fetish stuff, but I will go with you". I could feel one of 2 ways, 1. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have other interests when it comes to sex and he is willing to hold up a wall while I enjoy myself or 2. Sure, I am happy to go and maybe learn what makes you happy. But because I have mental problems I pick option 1.
I am having some mixed feelings about taking my husband with me. I don't know if I would have a good time if he went with me. I think that I will have a better time if I went with my best friend. She is a lot of fun and is very open minded. My husband has this habit of pointing at people and picking out their flaws. It makes me feel bad because I know that I am not the best looking person, I know that I am overweight. I just feel that because he is so vocal about other people, what is he saying inside about me? It makes me feel awful all of the time.
I want to try to go to bed earlier tonight. An interesting thing about last night is that I put the laptop away and turned off the TV at 2 am. My husband tells me today that at 5:30 in the morning that I was slupped over the laptop, with the TV on and he had to put me to bed. I don't know what happened and I am wondering if I am sleep walking or something. I don't remember it happening at all. I am wondering if it will happen again, if it has happened in the past and if so what have I done. I am kind of afraid. I smoke and I would hate to light up in the middle of the night and burn the house down.
I would like to call my shrink and ask her what is wrong but she tells me that I am too needy. I am afraid that this is something she would consider being something that i could wait until my next visit to talk about. I am really worried though. Maybe I can call my primary care doctor. She might be able to help me and if she says so, I will have an excuse to call my shrink.
Showing posts with label Mental Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mental Health. Show all posts
Monday, October 22, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Filling For SSI in Maryland
Yesterday I finished all of the paperwork to apply to get disability. I had been coming up with reasons not to file for a pretty long time. I am going to go ahead and assume that they are going to deny m the first time that I apply. I hear that is what thy do to most people. Luckily I have a best friend that use to work filing appeals for this kind of thing so I am not really worried about that.
Also, it's not like I have anything to lose by doing this. It took me about a week to write up all of the information I wanted them to know (which means it gave me something to do for a week, and it would really help if I do get it. Then I would at least feel like I am contributing to the household and also it will help reduce the monthly medication and co-pays each month. it would be nice to be able to keep appointments and have the money for my medications when I need them.
I am also not going to get my hopes up that I am going to get help because I "don't have enough work credits to receive benefits" I am not sure what that means but I know that I haven't been able to work at all for the last 8 years. That should count for something. It should show that I haven't been able to work in such a long time and with all of my medical records they should be able to see that I am unable to work with the combination of all of my symptoms.
I have to admit that I am getting a little stressed about the idea of having to go in and talk to them. I have a major memory problem and I wouldn't be able to remember all of my symptoms and diagnoses without having them written down. But I put in the papers that I have a serious memory problem so they should understand. And my best friend will be there to help me, hopefully she will be there with me, I don't know if I could do it without her.
So, wish me luck and I hope that I am able to post more about how SSI works and how to apply here in MD. I will put the links up on the sidebar eventually to help those who need it.
Also, it's not like I have anything to lose by doing this. It took me about a week to write up all of the information I wanted them to know (which means it gave me something to do for a week, and it would really help if I do get it. Then I would at least feel like I am contributing to the household and also it will help reduce the monthly medication and co-pays each month. it would be nice to be able to keep appointments and have the money for my medications when I need them.
I am also not going to get my hopes up that I am going to get help because I "don't have enough work credits to receive benefits" I am not sure what that means but I know that I haven't been able to work at all for the last 8 years. That should count for something. It should show that I haven't been able to work in such a long time and with all of my medical records they should be able to see that I am unable to work with the combination of all of my symptoms.
I have to admit that I am getting a little stressed about the idea of having to go in and talk to them. I have a major memory problem and I wouldn't be able to remember all of my symptoms and diagnoses without having them written down. But I put in the papers that I have a serious memory problem so they should understand. And my best friend will be there to help me, hopefully she will be there with me, I don't know if I could do it without her.
So, wish me luck and I hope that I am able to post more about how SSI works and how to apply here in MD. I will put the links up on the sidebar eventually to help those who need it.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
My Outlet
I have been dealing with a lot of very difficult feelings. I have been trying to use this place as a way to deal with my life. Today I came to the realization that I am having feelings and thoughts that I don't really want to have. For instance, I am pissed at my husband because instead of spending time with me, when I thought I needed him, he went over into his room and watched a fight on TV.
Right now he is watching another MMA fight with my best friend and I am having thoughts like she likes him more then me and that he secretly finds her attractive. They are laughing and having fun together and I am sitting on my bed watching reruns of TV shows that I don't really like. There is nothing stopping me from going over and watching the show with them, but I have no interest in MMA. So, it would be very boring for me to do. Instead, I sit here pissed off. I still have another hour of this.
I don't know how to deal with the way that my brain is working right now. The doctor is making the assumption that I am going thru menopause early. It runs in my family. If that is the case then I can expect to be feeling like this for awhile.
I know that I really need to go to bed now. I feel like I really need to just sleep until all of this passes but I don't think that is going to be possible. I am also going to think about checking out over the counter estrogen medications. I have the side effects for menopause, so it is very likely. Missing my period for this long is also a serious thing. Luckily, I know that I am not pregnant. I don't want to give birth to anymore kids. I really would like to have a little baby around the house.
Wait maybe the cause of my recent want of another baby is also a side effect of menopause. your body is suppose to know when you can and can't get pregnant. I don't know for sure. I am just throwing out guesses right now. I really hate not knowing what is wrong with me. And I have been dealing with this for about years. They have been doing test after test and they haven't found one conclusive thing. They have found smaller things but nothing that answers all of the questions.
Right now he is watching another MMA fight with my best friend and I am having thoughts like she likes him more then me and that he secretly finds her attractive. They are laughing and having fun together and I am sitting on my bed watching reruns of TV shows that I don't really like. There is nothing stopping me from going over and watching the show with them, but I have no interest in MMA. So, it would be very boring for me to do. Instead, I sit here pissed off. I still have another hour of this.
I don't know how to deal with the way that my brain is working right now. The doctor is making the assumption that I am going thru menopause early. It runs in my family. If that is the case then I can expect to be feeling like this for awhile.
I know that I really need to go to bed now. I feel like I really need to just sleep until all of this passes but I don't think that is going to be possible. I am also going to think about checking out over the counter estrogen medications. I have the side effects for menopause, so it is very likely. Missing my period for this long is also a serious thing. Luckily, I know that I am not pregnant. I don't want to give birth to anymore kids. I really would like to have a little baby around the house.
Wait maybe the cause of my recent want of another baby is also a side effect of menopause. your body is suppose to know when you can and can't get pregnant. I don't know for sure. I am just throwing out guesses right now. I really hate not knowing what is wrong with me. And I have been dealing with this for about years. They have been doing test after test and they haven't found one conclusive thing. They have found smaller things but nothing that answers all of the questions.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
My Father
I haven't spoken to my father in over 2 months. I actually changed my phone number so that he couldn't call me anymore. I just got sick of him. He is nothing but a drunk. I don't want that in my life anymore. I don't know why I ever tried to find him in the first place. Oh yeah! I found out that my mother made me lie to a judge when I was 10 and tell him that my father put a knife to my throat.
A quick note about my memories, I have 2 sets of memories. I have the ones that I see from a distance view, so I know they are the ones that my mother and family made up. And then I have the ones that I see from my own point of view, these are the ones that I know are real because I can tell that I really remember them. This is just my own opinion, I don't have any clinical proof that this is the case, but it's just a feeling that I have about how the brain and memory works.
It was the realization that I wouldn't put up with having a friend in my life that talked and treated me the way that he had been. Seeing as I never really had him in my life after the age of 10, he isn't really a father figure for me. And noticing that made me see that if I wouldn't choose a friend like that, why would I allow a bum like that in my life? I grew up that day I think.
This has made me a lot tougher and stronger when dealing with other people too. I am not going to take shit from people anymore. I used to let every one just walk all over me. My friends always said that my best quality was my forgiveness and sweetness. I don't want to be sweet or forgiving anymore. Does that make me a bad person? Personally I think that it makes me a better person. Now I will be more selective in my forgiveness and my caring ways.
To explain as quickly as possible about my history with my father, I was a daddy's girl when I was very young. Then my parents started fighting a lot, I remember it back as far back as when I was only 4 years old. I remember my father being drunk all of the time. I remember getting in the middle of my parents' fights and trying to make them be nice to each other. What I really remember is how loud it was in the house all of the time.
One thing that I remember specifically was a time when I was only 5 that my parents were so busy fighting and wanting to get away from each other and that the other was leaving that they both left me alone in the house. I had to make my own dinner and put myself to bed. I remember the following day that my mother still wasn't home.
To get to more recent times with my father, I got a call from him in December of 2003 and my father was in Virginia. He had walked from Eastern Shore Maryland to there in a snow storm. I felt bad for him so I called Greyhound and got him a bus ticket from where he was to Florida. I figured that it would get him into better weather (since he was going to be homeless) and it would also get him further away from me. I thought that he would be able to go down there and get a life. At 50 years old he had never owned anything, and he had never stayed out of jail for a full year since he was 15.
Amazingly it all started when he got to Florida. His first night there he had called to ask me to send him some money for a room and I could tell he was drunk so, I told him no. It would be another 6 months before I would start calling around to jails and hospitals to try and find him. I found him in prison. Apparently, he had broken into a car the first night in Florida and he was sentenced to 9 months in jail. I would send him money every other week, about $30-50 for his commissary, totaling about $600 in total.
When he was finally released from jail I sent him $300 to get on his feet but he never did. He just spent all the money on smokes and booze. After about a month on the street he was admitted into a mental hospital for 72 hours, this would happen more then 8 times in 8 months. In between his mental hospital visits he went into a regular hospital because he drank embalming fluid, they told me he was going to die and just before I bought the plane ticket to go down there he pulled through (sometimes I wonder if it had been better for both of us if he hadn't) and he would also get arrested about 4 times for trespassing and then 2 times for fleeing and eluding the police and the additional charge at one time for assault on a police officer.
He was really messing up down there, so he wanted to come back to Maryland. With me being very sick I wasn't going to let him stay here, and I knew that he would just sleep on my lawn and cause me more stress then I needed, so I wouldn't pay for him to come back. He called me one day and told me that the homeless shelter would send him back for free if I told them he could stay with me. My father swore to me that he was going to lie with his ex-girlfriend he just didn't know how to reach her by phone.
Needless to say, he got the bus back here and his ex had moved. So, he showed up at my door without notice. So the first thing I did was call my brother, who was living in Oklahoma at the time. I told my brother that I couldn't deal with my father and my brother said he would take him as long as I sent him out there. So, within 8 hours of the time my father got in from Florida I had him back on a bus to Oklahoma. I felt such relief that he was gone. I felt bad for my brother and happy that my brother was going to take this stress away from me.
Once my father got to Oklahoma, he started going to jail, saying inappropriate things about my brother's girlfriends daughter (a 7 year old girl) and he started drinking again. I forgot, supposedly (according to my father) he had quit drinking for a few months before he came back from Florida. He was drunk all of the time and he would call me in the middle of the night and early in the morning (after I told him not to many times).
When he started calling me "Stupid Bitch" because I told him that he was acting like a child and every time I would tell him that I knew he was drunk he would call me by my mother's name. Him calling me my mother's name upset me the most because he would spend every drunk second he had talking about how she is a slut, whore, bitch, and so many other things, by calling me my mother's name he was calling me all the things that he said about her all the time.
All I ever did was feel sorry for my father and tried to help him. He has never done anything for me, ever. I don't know why I put up with it for so long. I don't even know why I put so much into this relationship with him. It's not even about the money. The money I can get back, it's the time I spent trying to get to know him, it's the emotions that I felt when I had to deal with him, and all of the effort that I put in to trying to support him and tell him that he didn't need to drink. I could have done more with my family if I had never tried to get to know him.
Maybe it was to teach me something. I don't believe in God, as most people do, I believe in Karma. I know that eventually I will be rewarded for trying to help him and he will suffer for what he has done to me.
A quick note about my memories, I have 2 sets of memories. I have the ones that I see from a distance view, so I know they are the ones that my mother and family made up. And then I have the ones that I see from my own point of view, these are the ones that I know are real because I can tell that I really remember them. This is just my own opinion, I don't have any clinical proof that this is the case, but it's just a feeling that I have about how the brain and memory works.
It was the realization that I wouldn't put up with having a friend in my life that talked and treated me the way that he had been. Seeing as I never really had him in my life after the age of 10, he isn't really a father figure for me. And noticing that made me see that if I wouldn't choose a friend like that, why would I allow a bum like that in my life? I grew up that day I think.
This has made me a lot tougher and stronger when dealing with other people too. I am not going to take shit from people anymore. I used to let every one just walk all over me. My friends always said that my best quality was my forgiveness and sweetness. I don't want to be sweet or forgiving anymore. Does that make me a bad person? Personally I think that it makes me a better person. Now I will be more selective in my forgiveness and my caring ways.
To explain as quickly as possible about my history with my father, I was a daddy's girl when I was very young. Then my parents started fighting a lot, I remember it back as far back as when I was only 4 years old. I remember my father being drunk all of the time. I remember getting in the middle of my parents' fights and trying to make them be nice to each other. What I really remember is how loud it was in the house all of the time.
One thing that I remember specifically was a time when I was only 5 that my parents were so busy fighting and wanting to get away from each other and that the other was leaving that they both left me alone in the house. I had to make my own dinner and put myself to bed. I remember the following day that my mother still wasn't home.
To get to more recent times with my father, I got a call from him in December of 2003 and my father was in Virginia. He had walked from Eastern Shore Maryland to there in a snow storm. I felt bad for him so I called Greyhound and got him a bus ticket from where he was to Florida. I figured that it would get him into better weather (since he was going to be homeless) and it would also get him further away from me. I thought that he would be able to go down there and get a life. At 50 years old he had never owned anything, and he had never stayed out of jail for a full year since he was 15.
Amazingly it all started when he got to Florida. His first night there he had called to ask me to send him some money for a room and I could tell he was drunk so, I told him no. It would be another 6 months before I would start calling around to jails and hospitals to try and find him. I found him in prison. Apparently, he had broken into a car the first night in Florida and he was sentenced to 9 months in jail. I would send him money every other week, about $30-50 for his commissary, totaling about $600 in total.
When he was finally released from jail I sent him $300 to get on his feet but he never did. He just spent all the money on smokes and booze. After about a month on the street he was admitted into a mental hospital for 72 hours, this would happen more then 8 times in 8 months. In between his mental hospital visits he went into a regular hospital because he drank embalming fluid, they told me he was going to die and just before I bought the plane ticket to go down there he pulled through (sometimes I wonder if it had been better for both of us if he hadn't) and he would also get arrested about 4 times for trespassing and then 2 times for fleeing and eluding the police and the additional charge at one time for assault on a police officer.
He was really messing up down there, so he wanted to come back to Maryland. With me being very sick I wasn't going to let him stay here, and I knew that he would just sleep on my lawn and cause me more stress then I needed, so I wouldn't pay for him to come back. He called me one day and told me that the homeless shelter would send him back for free if I told them he could stay with me. My father swore to me that he was going to lie with his ex-girlfriend he just didn't know how to reach her by phone.
Needless to say, he got the bus back here and his ex had moved. So, he showed up at my door without notice. So the first thing I did was call my brother, who was living in Oklahoma at the time. I told my brother that I couldn't deal with my father and my brother said he would take him as long as I sent him out there. So, within 8 hours of the time my father got in from Florida I had him back on a bus to Oklahoma. I felt such relief that he was gone. I felt bad for my brother and happy that my brother was going to take this stress away from me.
Once my father got to Oklahoma, he started going to jail, saying inappropriate things about my brother's girlfriends daughter (a 7 year old girl) and he started drinking again. I forgot, supposedly (according to my father) he had quit drinking for a few months before he came back from Florida. He was drunk all of the time and he would call me in the middle of the night and early in the morning (after I told him not to many times).
When he started calling me "Stupid Bitch" because I told him that he was acting like a child and every time I would tell him that I knew he was drunk he would call me by my mother's name. Him calling me my mother's name upset me the most because he would spend every drunk second he had talking about how she is a slut, whore, bitch, and so many other things, by calling me my mother's name he was calling me all the things that he said about her all the time.
All I ever did was feel sorry for my father and tried to help him. He has never done anything for me, ever. I don't know why I put up with it for so long. I don't even know why I put so much into this relationship with him. It's not even about the money. The money I can get back, it's the time I spent trying to get to know him, it's the emotions that I felt when I had to deal with him, and all of the effort that I put in to trying to support him and tell him that he didn't need to drink. I could have done more with my family if I had never tried to get to know him.
Maybe it was to teach me something. I don't believe in God, as most people do, I believe in Karma. I know that eventually I will be rewarded for trying to help him and he will suffer for what he has done to me.
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