Fetish

Today has been a very long day and I am not even tired yet. I don't know if this is a manic phase or what, I haven't had one in so long. I had a list of stuff to do today a page long and I got everything done and fast. I feel so good, it's like a drug to me to get something done. It just makes me feel so good.

I managed to find the time today to look into a fetish club that I used to go to about 8 years ago. It's closed but I ended up in a sea of fetish sites and local events for people who are into various fetishes. I don't have a really kinky sex life but I am looking for a solution to my sex problems with my husband.

Once I found this stuff I thought that I would try to find a way to make myself go. I wanted to go with my best friend because when I am with her I feel like people aren't looking at me. She is very pretty and guys like to look at her. I can sort of fad into the background when she is around. I like that feeling. All the while I wish that I could have her body and get the attention that she gets. Maybe one day.

When my husband got home from work I was really excited to tell him about the fetish parties and see if he would be interested in going. He starts the conversation with "You know I am not into that fetish stuff, but I will go with you". I could feel one of 2 ways, 1. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have other interests when it comes to sex and he is willing to hold up a wall while I enjoy myself or 2. Sure, I am happy to go and maybe learn what makes you happy. But because I have mental problems I pick option 1.

I am having some mixed feelings about taking my husband with me. I don't know if I would have a good time if he went with me. I think that I will have a better time if I went with my best friend. She is a lot of fun and is very open minded. My husband has this habit of pointing at people and picking out their flaws. It makes me feel bad because I know that I am not the best looking person, I know that I am overweight. I just feel that because he is so vocal about other people, what is he saying inside about me? It makes me feel awful all of the time.

I want to try to go to bed earlier tonight. An interesting thing about last night is that I put the laptop away and turned off the TV at 2 am. My husband tells me today that at 5:30 in the morning that I was slupped over the laptop, with the TV on and he had to put me to bed. I don't know what happened and I am wondering if I am sleep walking or something. I don't remember it happening at all. I am wondering if it will happen again, if it has happened in the past and if so what have I done. I am kind of afraid. I smoke and I would hate to light up in the middle of the night and burn the house down.

I would like to call my shrink and ask her what is wrong but she tells me that I am too needy. I am afraid that this is something she would consider being something that i could wait until my next visit to talk about. I am really worried though. Maybe I can call my primary care doctor. She might be able to help me and if she says so, I will have an excuse to call my shrink.