My Outlet

I have been dealing with a lot of very difficult feelings. I have been trying to use this place as a way to deal with my life. Today I came to the realization that I am having feelings and thoughts that I don't really want to have. For instance, I am pissed at my husband because instead of spending time with me, when I thought I needed him, he went over into his room and watched a fight on TV.

Right now he is watching another MMA fight with my best friend and I am having thoughts like she likes him more then me and that he secretly finds her attractive. They are laughing and having fun together and I am sitting on my bed watching reruns of TV shows that I don't really like. There is nothing stopping me from going over and watching the show with them, but I have no interest in MMA. So, it would be very boring for me to do. Instead, I sit here pissed off. I still have another hour of this.

I don't know how to deal with the way that my brain is working right now. The doctor is making the assumption that I am going thru menopause early. It runs in my family. If that is the case then I can expect to be feeling like this for awhile.

I know that I really need to go to bed now. I feel like I really need to just sleep until all of this passes but I don't think that is going to be possible. I am also going to think about checking out over the counter estrogen medications. I have the side effects for menopause, so it is very likely. Missing my period for this long is also a serious thing. Luckily, I know that I am not pregnant. I don't want to give birth to anymore kids. I really would like to have a little baby around the house.

Wait maybe the cause of my recent want of another baby is also a side effect of menopause. your body is suppose to know when you can and can't get pregnant. I don't know for sure. I am just throwing out guesses right now. I really hate not knowing what is wrong with me. And I have been dealing with this for about years. They have been doing test after test and they haven't found one conclusive thing. They have found smaller things but nothing that answers all of the questions.