The last few weeks have been pretty hard. I have been depressed, without reason and I haven't found a solution that will make me feel better. I haven't been as bad as I have been in the past. But in the last two days things have gotten pretty bad.
It looks like my husband is going to lose his job in the next week or so. He got notice that he was looking at the internet too much at work and now they have taken it away from him. I am so dressed about this for the obvious reasons but I am also upset because it is almost my daughter's 13th birthday, it will be Christmas, then my sons birthday and then our anniversary. We have a lot coming up over the next 3 months. I am hoping that we will be able to afford to have happy events.
In a way I am kind of mad at my husband for putting us all in this situation, but I can't tell him that. No matter how much I want to yell at him. I am trying to be as supportive as i can. It's really hard though. I also wish that he would talk about it. He just wants to come home and watch TV and zone out. I know that he is thinking about it, I just wish that he would talk to me about it.
I called his parents today because I really am worried about how depressed my husband is. They really want to talk to him but I don't think that it would be good right now. I suggested that he call his father but he says he can't do it right now.
I really hope that all of this works out. I just can't type anymore.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Who Needs Sleep?
Last night I slept like a baby. I slept all night long. I slept until my brother called me at 10 am from 10 pm. It was great! I think that I might be all caught up now. Maybe my sleeping pattern will go back to normal after this. That would be fine with me. I don't know if I am happy sleeping 12 hours out of the day anymore. I kind of liked being awake to see the kids in the morning before school. Only I never have the strength to do anything to help my husband with them.
My brother woke me up this morning because he wanted to know what to get everyone for Christmas. I know that he doesn't have a lot of money and I wouldn't ask him to get anything but he insists. This means we have to get him something nice too. I think that I am going to buy him a cheap electric razor or something like that. He shaves his head a lot so it would be a nice gift for him. I just don't have a lot of money for Christmas this year.
My brother woke me up this morning because he wanted to know what to get everyone for Christmas. I know that he doesn't have a lot of money and I wouldn't ask him to get anything but he insists. This means we have to get him something nice too. I think that I am going to buy him a cheap electric razor or something like that. He shaves his head a lot so it would be a nice gift for him. I just don't have a lot of money for Christmas this year.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Venting Again
I finally got some sleep last night. I passed out watching TV around 9 or 10 I think. My husband left me to go to his room to watch TV and I put on something mindless to watch. I don't think that I laid in bed more then 10 minutes before I passed out. It was wonderful. I woke up around 6 am but I went back to bed from 8-11. It was really nice to finally get some sleep. It think it was the Chantix that was making me do all the stuff in my sleep and keeping me awake all the time.
Now that I am not taking the Chantix I have to give up trying to quit smoking. I feel like I have disappointed my husband. He already quit weeks ago on the assumption that I was going to be smoke free in a matter of weeks. I wish that I could quit for him. I wish that I could quit for my kids. I wish that I could just throw them out the window and never look back.
With me smoking still I am wondering what my husband is going to do about his smoking. Last time he quit for a year and then went out and bought cigarettes because I hadn't quit and we had gotten into a little argument about me smoking around him and how hard it was for him to not smoke with me smoking around him. I know it has to be hard to do. Last night though I made the suggestion that I would smoke outside and he said no. I don't know if he was just saying that so that I would be comfortable or if he really means it. I don't know if I should just go ahead and do it without making a big deal out of it. However, I don't really want to do it because it would mean missing a lot of TV and pausing a lot of movies. I smoke a lot. I think that I am going to try to mental work on not smoking very much in front of him. This may mean that he will be spending a lot of time in is own TV room.
I would really like to start doing more with my husband out of the house. We spend almost all of our time laying in bed watching TV. I would like to at least have a game night, a time when we turn off the TV and just talk to each other. I have to admit that without leaving the house myself, I don't have a whole lot to tell him about. He is very smart and spends hours on the internet so I can never tell him anything he doesn't already know. I need to really find something that I can talk to him about.
I have started my painting today. I am doing a black and white pin up style painting of Betty Paige. I am really into the pin-ups right now. They are just the ultimate in beauty. Models these days don't have the same look as the 40's era pin-ups. I want to look like them. I know that I have a lot of work to do before I will ever look like that, I even question if anyone these days can get a body like that besides that lady Dita Von Teese. She is a beautiful woman.
I have already started planning Christmas. I have already started planning my anniversary which is in February. I want the chance to redo my anniversary from last year, so I want to go to the same hotel and get tattoos again. This time I am getting 2 tattoos and I am going to make an appointment with the tattoo artist for one of the days of our weekend. I am going to get my kids names tattooed on my wrists so that if I ever think about suicide again I will remember my reasons to not do it.
I haven't been suicidal in years but I do get really depressed sometimes and it feels like it is never going to end. It is a really terrible feeling. I wish that the medication I am on would really prevent that from happening. I know that if I went back off the meds that I might just become suicidal again. So, I keep taking the pills. I don't think that I would ever stop. My only wish is that they didn't take away so much from my personality.
One more thing that I want to mention is about my daughter. Her school called me and told me that she has been cutting herself. They called me back today and told me that I need to take her to see a shrink. However, my husband thinks that she doesn't need it. It really upsets me. I wish that he would take this more serious. It makes me think that he is saying this just because she isn't his. It just feels like if it were his son he would be running to the doctor. I just want to know from a professional that she doesn't need to be seen. It makes me have bad feelings about my husband and I don't like it. I would never tell him that though. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that he was just as concerned about it as I am. I used to cut myself, I know the reasons for doing it, I know that you don't just stop. Maybe I will try to talk to my husband about it, maybe he can make me see that he isn't being this way because she isn't his. I hope he does. I really hope that he changes his mind about the doctor too.
Now that I am not taking the Chantix I have to give up trying to quit smoking. I feel like I have disappointed my husband. He already quit weeks ago on the assumption that I was going to be smoke free in a matter of weeks. I wish that I could quit for him. I wish that I could quit for my kids. I wish that I could just throw them out the window and never look back.
With me smoking still I am wondering what my husband is going to do about his smoking. Last time he quit for a year and then went out and bought cigarettes because I hadn't quit and we had gotten into a little argument about me smoking around him and how hard it was for him to not smoke with me smoking around him. I know it has to be hard to do. Last night though I made the suggestion that I would smoke outside and he said no. I don't know if he was just saying that so that I would be comfortable or if he really means it. I don't know if I should just go ahead and do it without making a big deal out of it. However, I don't really want to do it because it would mean missing a lot of TV and pausing a lot of movies. I smoke a lot. I think that I am going to try to mental work on not smoking very much in front of him. This may mean that he will be spending a lot of time in is own TV room.
I would really like to start doing more with my husband out of the house. We spend almost all of our time laying in bed watching TV. I would like to at least have a game night, a time when we turn off the TV and just talk to each other. I have to admit that without leaving the house myself, I don't have a whole lot to tell him about. He is very smart and spends hours on the internet so I can never tell him anything he doesn't already know. I need to really find something that I can talk to him about.
I have started my painting today. I am doing a black and white pin up style painting of Betty Paige. I am really into the pin-ups right now. They are just the ultimate in beauty. Models these days don't have the same look as the 40's era pin-ups. I want to look like them. I know that I have a lot of work to do before I will ever look like that, I even question if anyone these days can get a body like that besides that lady Dita Von Teese. She is a beautiful woman.
I have already started planning Christmas. I have already started planning my anniversary which is in February. I want the chance to redo my anniversary from last year, so I want to go to the same hotel and get tattoos again. This time I am getting 2 tattoos and I am going to make an appointment with the tattoo artist for one of the days of our weekend. I am going to get my kids names tattooed on my wrists so that if I ever think about suicide again I will remember my reasons to not do it.
I haven't been suicidal in years but I do get really depressed sometimes and it feels like it is never going to end. It is a really terrible feeling. I wish that the medication I am on would really prevent that from happening. I know that if I went back off the meds that I might just become suicidal again. So, I keep taking the pills. I don't think that I would ever stop. My only wish is that they didn't take away so much from my personality.
One more thing that I want to mention is about my daughter. Her school called me and told me that she has been cutting herself. They called me back today and told me that I need to take her to see a shrink. However, my husband thinks that she doesn't need it. It really upsets me. I wish that he would take this more serious. It makes me think that he is saying this just because she isn't his. It just feels like if it were his son he would be running to the doctor. I just want to know from a professional that she doesn't need to be seen. It makes me have bad feelings about my husband and I don't like it. I would never tell him that though. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that he was just as concerned about it as I am. I used to cut myself, I know the reasons for doing it, I know that you don't just stop. Maybe I will try to talk to my husband about it, maybe he can make me see that he isn't being this way because she isn't his. I hope he does. I really hope that he changes his mind about the doctor too.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Fetish
Today has been a very long day and I am not even tired yet. I don't know if this is a manic phase or what, I haven't had one in so long. I had a list of stuff to do today a page long and I got everything done and fast. I feel so good, it's like a drug to me to get something done. It just makes me feel so good.
I managed to find the time today to look into a fetish club that I used to go to about 8 years ago. It's closed but I ended up in a sea of fetish sites and local events for people who are into various fetishes. I don't have a really kinky sex life but I am looking for a solution to my sex problems with my husband.
Once I found this stuff I thought that I would try to find a way to make myself go. I wanted to go with my best friend because when I am with her I feel like people aren't looking at me. She is very pretty and guys like to look at her. I can sort of fad into the background when she is around. I like that feeling. All the while I wish that I could have her body and get the attention that she gets. Maybe one day.
When my husband got home from work I was really excited to tell him about the fetish parties and see if he would be interested in going. He starts the conversation with "You know I am not into that fetish stuff, but I will go with you". I could feel one of 2 ways, 1. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have other interests when it comes to sex and he is willing to hold up a wall while I enjoy myself or 2. Sure, I am happy to go and maybe learn what makes you happy. But because I have mental problems I pick option 1.
I am having some mixed feelings about taking my husband with me. I don't know if I would have a good time if he went with me. I think that I will have a better time if I went with my best friend. She is a lot of fun and is very open minded. My husband has this habit of pointing at people and picking out their flaws. It makes me feel bad because I know that I am not the best looking person, I know that I am overweight. I just feel that because he is so vocal about other people, what is he saying inside about me? It makes me feel awful all of the time.
I want to try to go to bed earlier tonight. An interesting thing about last night is that I put the laptop away and turned off the TV at 2 am. My husband tells me today that at 5:30 in the morning that I was slupped over the laptop, with the TV on and he had to put me to bed. I don't know what happened and I am wondering if I am sleep walking or something. I don't remember it happening at all. I am wondering if it will happen again, if it has happened in the past and if so what have I done. I am kind of afraid. I smoke and I would hate to light up in the middle of the night and burn the house down.
I would like to call my shrink and ask her what is wrong but she tells me that I am too needy. I am afraid that this is something she would consider being something that i could wait until my next visit to talk about. I am really worried though. Maybe I can call my primary care doctor. She might be able to help me and if she says so, I will have an excuse to call my shrink.
I managed to find the time today to look into a fetish club that I used to go to about 8 years ago. It's closed but I ended up in a sea of fetish sites and local events for people who are into various fetishes. I don't have a really kinky sex life but I am looking for a solution to my sex problems with my husband.
Once I found this stuff I thought that I would try to find a way to make myself go. I wanted to go with my best friend because when I am with her I feel like people aren't looking at me. She is very pretty and guys like to look at her. I can sort of fad into the background when she is around. I like that feeling. All the while I wish that I could have her body and get the attention that she gets. Maybe one day.
When my husband got home from work I was really excited to tell him about the fetish parties and see if he would be interested in going. He starts the conversation with "You know I am not into that fetish stuff, but I will go with you". I could feel one of 2 ways, 1. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have other interests when it comes to sex and he is willing to hold up a wall while I enjoy myself or 2. Sure, I am happy to go and maybe learn what makes you happy. But because I have mental problems I pick option 1.
I am having some mixed feelings about taking my husband with me. I don't know if I would have a good time if he went with me. I think that I will have a better time if I went with my best friend. She is a lot of fun and is very open minded. My husband has this habit of pointing at people and picking out their flaws. It makes me feel bad because I know that I am not the best looking person, I know that I am overweight. I just feel that because he is so vocal about other people, what is he saying inside about me? It makes me feel awful all of the time.
I want to try to go to bed earlier tonight. An interesting thing about last night is that I put the laptop away and turned off the TV at 2 am. My husband tells me today that at 5:30 in the morning that I was slupped over the laptop, with the TV on and he had to put me to bed. I don't know what happened and I am wondering if I am sleep walking or something. I don't remember it happening at all. I am wondering if it will happen again, if it has happened in the past and if so what have I done. I am kind of afraid. I smoke and I would hate to light up in the middle of the night and burn the house down.
I would like to call my shrink and ask her what is wrong but she tells me that I am too needy. I am afraid that this is something she would consider being something that i could wait until my next visit to talk about. I am really worried though. Maybe I can call my primary care doctor. She might be able to help me and if she says so, I will have an excuse to call my shrink.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Feeling Complete
After last nights post I did a lot of thinking. I have decided that I need to rely on myself to make myself happy. This means a lot for me. This means that I am really going to have to get over my fear of driving far from home. I need to be self supporting. I need to get a job or get my website off the ground. If my husband would design my website then I could be bringing in money for myself on a regular basis. It would also give me something to do with my time. It would be something that would make me feel useful. At the same time it means, relying on my husband to do something for me. And that is what I am trying to avoid. So, for the time being, I am going to give up my dream to have my own website like that.
I was up last night (or this morning) until 5 am. My husband made it home around 1:30-2 am and he went right to bed. I stayed up making lists and planning things. I am really getting into planning my daughter's 13th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, My son's 8th birthday and then my anniversary and Valentine's day. I have so much happening over the next few months that I won't have any time to just sit and be depressed.
With all that is going to be happening this is going to be the best time for me to start focusing on myself. If I want sex then I am just going to masturbate. It works! And if I need something else in my life then I am just going to figure out a way that I can get it myself. I know that I could continue to depend on my husband but that isn't going to make me happy.
What will make me happy is actually getting over my fears and doing things for myself and not having to depend on other people to get things done in my life. I have had to do it for so long now that I am not quite sure that I can do it, I am willing to give it a try though.
My biggest problem is going to be driving. I haven't driven more then a couple miles from home in almost a year. Even then it wasn't more then 15 miles. It's been about 5 years or more since I have been able to drive freely. Sadly, I have a brand new car that just sits in the drive way everyday because my husband has the feeling that "one day your gonna want to drive and it will be sitting there for you". It's a very sweet thought but we could have an extra $400 a month if we didn't have the extra car.
I really want to work on loosing weight. I am sure that the cause of my weight gain is medical. I am not sure if it is because of my thyroid, medications or the fact that I don't get as much exercise as I have in the past. I gained it so fast that I am sure that it is one of the first 2. I have been eating a salad at least once a day with fat free dressing. I am watching what I eat and trying not to snack too much. I am going to start taking a diet pill each day and see if I really see any results. If I don't I will know for sure that it is medical. If I do see some results from just the little that I am doing then I am going to get a membership to the local pool and go there every day and swim to loose weight.
I would really love to loose about 60 pounds. I gained 80 in just 2 years after I had my son. No matter what I do I can't seem to get below 189. I don't need to be 110 anymore, but I would like to fit into a size 10 at least. i would feel sexier if I could do that. I wouldn't need my husband's affections so much if I felt to myself that I was sexy. I would love to wear half shirts and short shorts like my best friend. I am so jealous of her sometimes.
I have also gotten back into painting. Today I am working on a painting of Bettie Paige in a really sexy outfit and pose. I don't know if I really have any talent, I just know that I enjoy doing it. Other people seem to think that I have some talent. I just don't know if they say that just to make me feel good. Either way, I am happy that I am feeling like doing it. It makes me happy to finish a painting. I did something the other day and just using a paint brush puts a smile on my face no matter how bad the painting turns out.
I am thinking about taking some art classes at the college. I have always been nervous about it because of my age. I don't want to stand out. I would feel more comfortable if I was younger. Although a few years ago I took a pottery class and I was the youngest person out of the 15 person class. I would want to contact the school and find out the ages of the people taking the class. It would be really nice to go and learn the proper way to draw and paint. That too would require me getting over my fear of driving because the closest school is about 10 miles from home and the art schools are usually about 20 miles from home.
I also want to say that my experiment of using this as a form of therapy is working. Not allowing any of my friends or family to know that I am writing on this site is really helping me to work thru a lot of things. I think that being able to write exactly how I am feeling without having to worry about what someone will think or do really makes it easier to express myself. I hardly ever blog on my real site anymore. I enjoy doing this so much that I don't like writing anything for my superficial site, especially when I know I can speak the truth here.
I need to work on making a list of goals that I need to complete by the end of next year. I am going to get a 2008 calendar just for logging my goals. I want to set dates for doing things and I want to track my progress on it too. I am also really going to start tracking my sex life too. I really want to see what I can do wit my life in just one year. I used to be a very independent person, even as a child.
It is very hard for me to be the person that I am today. It is also hard that other people don't see that it is so hard for me to be depending on others so much now days. I hate it and I want to change bak to the old me. If I am going to be in a wheelchair within 3 years like they say I don't want to go out like this. I want to go out standing strong. I think that would be the only way that I will be able to handle the helplessness of being in a wheelchair. At least then I will have known that I could do stuff for myself if otherwise I wasn't disabled.
This reminds me that I am applying for disability. My mother and my brother are both on it. I heard that no matter what they deny you the first time. Luckily, my best friend used to work doing appeals for people. She says that she will help me to appeal if I have to. I think that if anyone was to get approved the first time it would be me. I have so many conditions and symptoms that it took 6 typed pages to tell them about it all. I really hope that I get it because my medical bills are so high that we are in debt because of them. My medical bills total about $400 a month. If we could get support then I wouldn't have to rely on child support to pay for my car each month. We would be able to live like my husband makes the kind of money that he does. We will see what they say about it.
It's getting late. I need to start trying to relax so that I can go to bed before 5 am tonight. I already know it will be after midnight but I hope it's not after 2. I want to start writing a list of things I need to do for Christmas. I have already started a shopping list. I need to look around and see what I can get my husband for Christmas. My back hurts a lot though and I don't know if i can sit up at the computer too much longer tonight. I hope that I sleep in tomorrow. it would be nice to sleep until 1 or something.
I was up last night (or this morning) until 5 am. My husband made it home around 1:30-2 am and he went right to bed. I stayed up making lists and planning things. I am really getting into planning my daughter's 13th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, My son's 8th birthday and then my anniversary and Valentine's day. I have so much happening over the next few months that I won't have any time to just sit and be depressed.
With all that is going to be happening this is going to be the best time for me to start focusing on myself. If I want sex then I am just going to masturbate. It works! And if I need something else in my life then I am just going to figure out a way that I can get it myself. I know that I could continue to depend on my husband but that isn't going to make me happy.
What will make me happy is actually getting over my fears and doing things for myself and not having to depend on other people to get things done in my life. I have had to do it for so long now that I am not quite sure that I can do it, I am willing to give it a try though.
My biggest problem is going to be driving. I haven't driven more then a couple miles from home in almost a year. Even then it wasn't more then 15 miles. It's been about 5 years or more since I have been able to drive freely. Sadly, I have a brand new car that just sits in the drive way everyday because my husband has the feeling that "one day your gonna want to drive and it will be sitting there for you". It's a very sweet thought but we could have an extra $400 a month if we didn't have the extra car.
I really want to work on loosing weight. I am sure that the cause of my weight gain is medical. I am not sure if it is because of my thyroid, medications or the fact that I don't get as much exercise as I have in the past. I gained it so fast that I am sure that it is one of the first 2. I have been eating a salad at least once a day with fat free dressing. I am watching what I eat and trying not to snack too much. I am going to start taking a diet pill each day and see if I really see any results. If I don't I will know for sure that it is medical. If I do see some results from just the little that I am doing then I am going to get a membership to the local pool and go there every day and swim to loose weight.
I would really love to loose about 60 pounds. I gained 80 in just 2 years after I had my son. No matter what I do I can't seem to get below 189. I don't need to be 110 anymore, but I would like to fit into a size 10 at least. i would feel sexier if I could do that. I wouldn't need my husband's affections so much if I felt to myself that I was sexy. I would love to wear half shirts and short shorts like my best friend. I am so jealous of her sometimes.
I have also gotten back into painting. Today I am working on a painting of Bettie Paige in a really sexy outfit and pose. I don't know if I really have any talent, I just know that I enjoy doing it. Other people seem to think that I have some talent. I just don't know if they say that just to make me feel good. Either way, I am happy that I am feeling like doing it. It makes me happy to finish a painting. I did something the other day and just using a paint brush puts a smile on my face no matter how bad the painting turns out.
I am thinking about taking some art classes at the college. I have always been nervous about it because of my age. I don't want to stand out. I would feel more comfortable if I was younger. Although a few years ago I took a pottery class and I was the youngest person out of the 15 person class. I would want to contact the school and find out the ages of the people taking the class. It would be really nice to go and learn the proper way to draw and paint. That too would require me getting over my fear of driving because the closest school is about 10 miles from home and the art schools are usually about 20 miles from home.
I also want to say that my experiment of using this as a form of therapy is working. Not allowing any of my friends or family to know that I am writing on this site is really helping me to work thru a lot of things. I think that being able to write exactly how I am feeling without having to worry about what someone will think or do really makes it easier to express myself. I hardly ever blog on my real site anymore. I enjoy doing this so much that I don't like writing anything for my superficial site, especially when I know I can speak the truth here.
I need to work on making a list of goals that I need to complete by the end of next year. I am going to get a 2008 calendar just for logging my goals. I want to set dates for doing things and I want to track my progress on it too. I am also really going to start tracking my sex life too. I really want to see what I can do wit my life in just one year. I used to be a very independent person, even as a child.
It is very hard for me to be the person that I am today. It is also hard that other people don't see that it is so hard for me to be depending on others so much now days. I hate it and I want to change bak to the old me. If I am going to be in a wheelchair within 3 years like they say I don't want to go out like this. I want to go out standing strong. I think that would be the only way that I will be able to handle the helplessness of being in a wheelchair. At least then I will have known that I could do stuff for myself if otherwise I wasn't disabled.
This reminds me that I am applying for disability. My mother and my brother are both on it. I heard that no matter what they deny you the first time. Luckily, my best friend used to work doing appeals for people. She says that she will help me to appeal if I have to. I think that if anyone was to get approved the first time it would be me. I have so many conditions and symptoms that it took 6 typed pages to tell them about it all. I really hope that I get it because my medical bills are so high that we are in debt because of them. My medical bills total about $400 a month. If we could get support then I wouldn't have to rely on child support to pay for my car each month. We would be able to live like my husband makes the kind of money that he does. We will see what they say about it.
It's getting late. I need to start trying to relax so that I can go to bed before 5 am tonight. I already know it will be after midnight but I hope it's not after 2. I want to start writing a list of things I need to do for Christmas. I have already started a shopping list. I need to look around and see what I can get my husband for Christmas. My back hurts a lot though and I don't know if i can sit up at the computer too much longer tonight. I hope that I sleep in tomorrow. it would be nice to sleep until 1 or something.
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