Venting Again

I finally got some sleep last night. I passed out watching TV around 9 or 10 I think. My husband left me to go to his room to watch TV and I put on something mindless to watch. I don't think that I laid in bed more then 10 minutes before I passed out. It was wonderful. I woke up around 6 am but I went back to bed from 8-11. It was really nice to finally get some sleep. It think it was the Chantix that was making me do all the stuff in my sleep and keeping me awake all the time.

Now that I am not taking the Chantix I have to give up trying to quit smoking. I feel like I have disappointed my husband. He already quit weeks ago on the assumption that I was going to be smoke free in a matter of weeks. I wish that I could quit for him. I wish that I could quit for my kids. I wish that I could just throw them out the window and never look back.

With me smoking still I am wondering what my husband is going to do about his smoking. Last time he quit for a year and then went out and bought cigarettes because I hadn't quit and we had gotten into a little argument about me smoking around him and how hard it was for him to not smoke with me smoking around him. I know it has to be hard to do. Last night though I made the suggestion that I would smoke outside and he said no. I don't know if he was just saying that so that I would be comfortable or if he really means it. I don't know if I should just go ahead and do it without making a big deal out of it. However, I don't really want to do it because it would mean missing a lot of TV and pausing a lot of movies. I smoke a lot. I think that I am going to try to mental work on not smoking very much in front of him. This may mean that he will be spending a lot of time in is own TV room.

I would really like to start doing more with my husband out of the house. We spend almost all of our time laying in bed watching TV. I would like to at least have a game night, a time when we turn off the TV and just talk to each other. I have to admit that without leaving the house myself, I don't have a whole lot to tell him about. He is very smart and spends hours on the internet so I can never tell him anything he doesn't already know. I need to really find something that I can talk to him about.

I have started my painting today. I am doing a black and white pin up style painting of Betty Paige. I am really into the pin-ups right now. They are just the ultimate in beauty. Models these days don't have the same look as the 40's era pin-ups. I want to look like them. I know that I have a lot of work to do before I will ever look like that, I even question if anyone these days can get a body like that besides that lady Dita Von Teese. She is a beautiful woman.

I have already started planning Christmas. I have already started planning my anniversary which is in February. I want the chance to redo my anniversary from last year, so I want to go to the same hotel and get tattoos again. This time I am getting 2 tattoos and I am going to make an appointment with the tattoo artist for one of the days of our weekend. I am going to get my kids names tattooed on my wrists so that if I ever think about suicide again I will remember my reasons to not do it.

I haven't been suicidal in years but I do get really depressed sometimes and it feels like it is never going to end. It is a really terrible feeling. I wish that the medication I am on would really prevent that from happening. I know that if I went back off the meds that I might just become suicidal again. So, I keep taking the pills. I don't think that I would ever stop. My only wish is that they didn't take away so much from my personality.

One more thing that I want to mention is about my daughter. Her school called me and told me that she has been cutting herself. They called me back today and told me that I need to take her to see a shrink. However, my husband thinks that she doesn't need it. It really upsets me. I wish that he would take this more serious. It makes me think that he is saying this just because she isn't his. It just feels like if it were his son he would be running to the doctor. I just want to know from a professional that she doesn't need to be seen. It makes me have bad feelings about my husband and I don't like it. I would never tell him that though. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that he was just as concerned about it as I am. I used to cut myself, I know the reasons for doing it, I know that you don't just stop. Maybe I will try to talk to my husband about it, maybe he can make me see that he isn't being this way because she isn't his. I hope he does. I really hope that he changes his mind about the doctor too.