Feeling Complete

After last nights post I did a lot of thinking. I have decided that I need to rely on myself to make myself happy. This means a lot for me. This means that I am really going to have to get over my fear of driving far from home. I need to be self supporting. I need to get a job or get my website off the ground. If my husband would design my website then I could be bringing in money for myself on a regular basis. It would also give me something to do with my time. It would be something that would make me feel useful. At the same time it means, relying on my husband to do something for me. And that is what I am trying to avoid. So, for the time being, I am going to give up my dream to have my own website like that.

I was up last night (or this morning) until 5 am. My husband made it home around 1:30-2 am and he went right to bed. I stayed up making lists and planning things. I am really getting into planning my daughter's 13th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, My son's 8th birthday and then my anniversary and Valentine's day. I have so much happening over the next few months that I won't have any time to just sit and be depressed.

With all that is going to be happening this is going to be the best time for me to start focusing on myself. If I want sex then I am just going to masturbate. It works! And if I need something else in my life then I am just going to figure out a way that I can get it myself. I know that I could continue to depend on my husband but that isn't going to make me happy.

What will make me happy is actually getting over my fears and doing things for myself and not having to depend on other people to get things done in my life. I have had to do it for so long now that I am not quite sure that I can do it, I am willing to give it a try though.

My biggest problem is going to be driving. I haven't driven more then a couple miles from home in almost a year. Even then it wasn't more then 15 miles. It's been about 5 years or more since I have been able to drive freely. Sadly, I have a brand new car that just sits in the drive way everyday because my husband has the feeling that "one day your gonna want to drive and it will be sitting there for you". It's a very sweet thought but we could have an extra $400 a month if we didn't have the extra car.

I really want to work on loosing weight. I am sure that the cause of my weight gain is medical. I am not sure if it is because of my thyroid, medications or the fact that I don't get as much exercise as I have in the past. I gained it so fast that I am sure that it is one of the first 2. I have been eating a salad at least once a day with fat free dressing. I am watching what I eat and trying not to snack too much. I am going to start taking a diet pill each day and see if I really see any results. If I don't I will know for sure that it is medical. If I do see some results from just the little that I am doing then I am going to get a membership to the local pool and go there every day and swim to loose weight.

I would really love to loose about 60 pounds. I gained 80 in just 2 years after I had my son. No matter what I do I can't seem to get below 189. I don't need to be 110 anymore, but I would like to fit into a size 10 at least. i would feel sexier if I could do that. I wouldn't need my husband's affections so much if I felt to myself that I was sexy. I would love to wear half shirts and short shorts like my best friend. I am so jealous of her sometimes.

I have also gotten back into painting. Today I am working on a painting of Bettie Paige in a really sexy outfit and pose. I don't know if I really have any talent, I just know that I enjoy doing it. Other people seem to think that I have some talent. I just don't know if they say that just to make me feel good. Either way, I am happy that I am feeling like doing it. It makes me happy to finish a painting. I did something the other day and just using a paint brush puts a smile on my face no matter how bad the painting turns out.

I am thinking about taking some art classes at the college. I have always been nervous about it because of my age. I don't want to stand out. I would feel more comfortable if I was younger. Although a few years ago I took a pottery class and I was the youngest person out of the 15 person class. I would want to contact the school and find out the ages of the people taking the class. It would be really nice to go and learn the proper way to draw and paint. That too would require me getting over my fear of driving because the closest school is about 10 miles from home and the art schools are usually about 20 miles from home.

I also want to say that my experiment of using this as a form of therapy is working. Not allowing any of my friends or family to know that I am writing on this site is really helping me to work thru a lot of things. I think that being able to write exactly how I am feeling without having to worry about what someone will think or do really makes it easier to express myself. I hardly ever blog on my real site anymore. I enjoy doing this so much that I don't like writing anything for my superficial site, especially when I know I can speak the truth here.

I need to work on making a list of goals that I need to complete by the end of next year. I am going to get a 2008 calendar just for logging my goals. I want to set dates for doing things and I want to track my progress on it too. I am also really going to start tracking my sex life too. I really want to see what I can do wit my life in just one year. I used to be a very independent person, even as a child.

It is very hard for me to be the person that I am today. It is also hard that other people don't see that it is so hard for me to be depending on others so much now days. I hate it and I want to change bak to the old me. If I am going to be in a wheelchair within 3 years like they say I don't want to go out like this. I want to go out standing strong. I think that would be the only way that I will be able to handle the helplessness of being in a wheelchair. At least then I will have known that I could do stuff for myself if otherwise I wasn't disabled.

This reminds me that I am applying for disability. My mother and my brother are both on it. I heard that no matter what they deny you the first time. Luckily, my best friend used to work doing appeals for people. She says that she will help me to appeal if I have to. I think that if anyone was to get approved the first time it would be me. I have so many conditions and symptoms that it took 6 typed pages to tell them about it all. I really hope that I get it because my medical bills are so high that we are in debt because of them. My medical bills total about $400 a month. If we could get support then I wouldn't have to rely on child support to pay for my car each month. We would be able to live like my husband makes the kind of money that he does. We will see what they say about it.

It's getting late. I need to start trying to relax so that I can go to bed before 5 am tonight. I already know it will be after midnight but I hope it's not after 2. I want to start writing a list of things I need to do for Christmas. I have already started a shopping list. I need to look around and see what I can get my husband for Christmas. My back hurts a lot though and I don't know if i can sit up at the computer too much longer tonight. I hope that I sleep in tomorrow. it would be nice to sleep until 1 or something.