Last night I slept like a baby. I slept all night long. I slept until my brother called me at 10 am from 10 pm. It was great! I think that I might be all caught up now. Maybe my sleeping pattern will go back to normal after this. That would be fine with me. I don't know if I am happy sleeping 12 hours out of the day anymore. I kind of liked being awake to see the kids in the morning before school. Only I never have the strength to do anything to help my husband with them.
My brother woke me up this morning because he wanted to know what to get everyone for Christmas. I know that he doesn't have a lot of money and I wouldn't ask him to get anything but he insists. This means we have to get him something nice too. I think that I am going to buy him a cheap electric razor or something like that. He shaves his head a lot so it would be a nice gift for him. I just don't have a lot of money for Christmas this year.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Venting Again
I finally got some sleep last night. I passed out watching TV around 9 or 10 I think. My husband left me to go to his room to watch TV and I put on something mindless to watch. I don't think that I laid in bed more then 10 minutes before I passed out. It was wonderful. I woke up around 6 am but I went back to bed from 8-11. It was really nice to finally get some sleep. It think it was the Chantix that was making me do all the stuff in my sleep and keeping me awake all the time.
Now that I am not taking the Chantix I have to give up trying to quit smoking. I feel like I have disappointed my husband. He already quit weeks ago on the assumption that I was going to be smoke free in a matter of weeks. I wish that I could quit for him. I wish that I could quit for my kids. I wish that I could just throw them out the window and never look back.
With me smoking still I am wondering what my husband is going to do about his smoking. Last time he quit for a year and then went out and bought cigarettes because I hadn't quit and we had gotten into a little argument about me smoking around him and how hard it was for him to not smoke with me smoking around him. I know it has to be hard to do. Last night though I made the suggestion that I would smoke outside and he said no. I don't know if he was just saying that so that I would be comfortable or if he really means it. I don't know if I should just go ahead and do it without making a big deal out of it. However, I don't really want to do it because it would mean missing a lot of TV and pausing a lot of movies. I smoke a lot. I think that I am going to try to mental work on not smoking very much in front of him. This may mean that he will be spending a lot of time in is own TV room.
I would really like to start doing more with my husband out of the house. We spend almost all of our time laying in bed watching TV. I would like to at least have a game night, a time when we turn off the TV and just talk to each other. I have to admit that without leaving the house myself, I don't have a whole lot to tell him about. He is very smart and spends hours on the internet so I can never tell him anything he doesn't already know. I need to really find something that I can talk to him about.
I have started my painting today. I am doing a black and white pin up style painting of Betty Paige. I am really into the pin-ups right now. They are just the ultimate in beauty. Models these days don't have the same look as the 40's era pin-ups. I want to look like them. I know that I have a lot of work to do before I will ever look like that, I even question if anyone these days can get a body like that besides that lady Dita Von Teese. She is a beautiful woman.
I have already started planning Christmas. I have already started planning my anniversary which is in February. I want the chance to redo my anniversary from last year, so I want to go to the same hotel and get tattoos again. This time I am getting 2 tattoos and I am going to make an appointment with the tattoo artist for one of the days of our weekend. I am going to get my kids names tattooed on my wrists so that if I ever think about suicide again I will remember my reasons to not do it.
I haven't been suicidal in years but I do get really depressed sometimes and it feels like it is never going to end. It is a really terrible feeling. I wish that the medication I am on would really prevent that from happening. I know that if I went back off the meds that I might just become suicidal again. So, I keep taking the pills. I don't think that I would ever stop. My only wish is that they didn't take away so much from my personality.
One more thing that I want to mention is about my daughter. Her school called me and told me that she has been cutting herself. They called me back today and told me that I need to take her to see a shrink. However, my husband thinks that she doesn't need it. It really upsets me. I wish that he would take this more serious. It makes me think that he is saying this just because she isn't his. It just feels like if it were his son he would be running to the doctor. I just want to know from a professional that she doesn't need to be seen. It makes me have bad feelings about my husband and I don't like it. I would never tell him that though. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that he was just as concerned about it as I am. I used to cut myself, I know the reasons for doing it, I know that you don't just stop. Maybe I will try to talk to my husband about it, maybe he can make me see that he isn't being this way because she isn't his. I hope he does. I really hope that he changes his mind about the doctor too.
Now that I am not taking the Chantix I have to give up trying to quit smoking. I feel like I have disappointed my husband. He already quit weeks ago on the assumption that I was going to be smoke free in a matter of weeks. I wish that I could quit for him. I wish that I could quit for my kids. I wish that I could just throw them out the window and never look back.
With me smoking still I am wondering what my husband is going to do about his smoking. Last time he quit for a year and then went out and bought cigarettes because I hadn't quit and we had gotten into a little argument about me smoking around him and how hard it was for him to not smoke with me smoking around him. I know it has to be hard to do. Last night though I made the suggestion that I would smoke outside and he said no. I don't know if he was just saying that so that I would be comfortable or if he really means it. I don't know if I should just go ahead and do it without making a big deal out of it. However, I don't really want to do it because it would mean missing a lot of TV and pausing a lot of movies. I smoke a lot. I think that I am going to try to mental work on not smoking very much in front of him. This may mean that he will be spending a lot of time in is own TV room.
I would really like to start doing more with my husband out of the house. We spend almost all of our time laying in bed watching TV. I would like to at least have a game night, a time when we turn off the TV and just talk to each other. I have to admit that without leaving the house myself, I don't have a whole lot to tell him about. He is very smart and spends hours on the internet so I can never tell him anything he doesn't already know. I need to really find something that I can talk to him about.
I have started my painting today. I am doing a black and white pin up style painting of Betty Paige. I am really into the pin-ups right now. They are just the ultimate in beauty. Models these days don't have the same look as the 40's era pin-ups. I want to look like them. I know that I have a lot of work to do before I will ever look like that, I even question if anyone these days can get a body like that besides that lady Dita Von Teese. She is a beautiful woman.
I have already started planning Christmas. I have already started planning my anniversary which is in February. I want the chance to redo my anniversary from last year, so I want to go to the same hotel and get tattoos again. This time I am getting 2 tattoos and I am going to make an appointment with the tattoo artist for one of the days of our weekend. I am going to get my kids names tattooed on my wrists so that if I ever think about suicide again I will remember my reasons to not do it.
I haven't been suicidal in years but I do get really depressed sometimes and it feels like it is never going to end. It is a really terrible feeling. I wish that the medication I am on would really prevent that from happening. I know that if I went back off the meds that I might just become suicidal again. So, I keep taking the pills. I don't think that I would ever stop. My only wish is that they didn't take away so much from my personality.
One more thing that I want to mention is about my daughter. Her school called me and told me that she has been cutting herself. They called me back today and told me that I need to take her to see a shrink. However, my husband thinks that she doesn't need it. It really upsets me. I wish that he would take this more serious. It makes me think that he is saying this just because she isn't his. It just feels like if it were his son he would be running to the doctor. I just want to know from a professional that she doesn't need to be seen. It makes me have bad feelings about my husband and I don't like it. I would never tell him that though. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that he was just as concerned about it as I am. I used to cut myself, I know the reasons for doing it, I know that you don't just stop. Maybe I will try to talk to my husband about it, maybe he can make me see that he isn't being this way because she isn't his. I hope he does. I really hope that he changes his mind about the doctor too.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Fetish
Today has been a very long day and I am not even tired yet. I don't know if this is a manic phase or what, I haven't had one in so long. I had a list of stuff to do today a page long and I got everything done and fast. I feel so good, it's like a drug to me to get something done. It just makes me feel so good.
I managed to find the time today to look into a fetish club that I used to go to about 8 years ago. It's closed but I ended up in a sea of fetish sites and local events for people who are into various fetishes. I don't have a really kinky sex life but I am looking for a solution to my sex problems with my husband.
Once I found this stuff I thought that I would try to find a way to make myself go. I wanted to go with my best friend because when I am with her I feel like people aren't looking at me. She is very pretty and guys like to look at her. I can sort of fad into the background when she is around. I like that feeling. All the while I wish that I could have her body and get the attention that she gets. Maybe one day.
When my husband got home from work I was really excited to tell him about the fetish parties and see if he would be interested in going. He starts the conversation with "You know I am not into that fetish stuff, but I will go with you". I could feel one of 2 ways, 1. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have other interests when it comes to sex and he is willing to hold up a wall while I enjoy myself or 2. Sure, I am happy to go and maybe learn what makes you happy. But because I have mental problems I pick option 1.
I am having some mixed feelings about taking my husband with me. I don't know if I would have a good time if he went with me. I think that I will have a better time if I went with my best friend. She is a lot of fun and is very open minded. My husband has this habit of pointing at people and picking out their flaws. It makes me feel bad because I know that I am not the best looking person, I know that I am overweight. I just feel that because he is so vocal about other people, what is he saying inside about me? It makes me feel awful all of the time.
I want to try to go to bed earlier tonight. An interesting thing about last night is that I put the laptop away and turned off the TV at 2 am. My husband tells me today that at 5:30 in the morning that I was slupped over the laptop, with the TV on and he had to put me to bed. I don't know what happened and I am wondering if I am sleep walking or something. I don't remember it happening at all. I am wondering if it will happen again, if it has happened in the past and if so what have I done. I am kind of afraid. I smoke and I would hate to light up in the middle of the night and burn the house down.
I would like to call my shrink and ask her what is wrong but she tells me that I am too needy. I am afraid that this is something she would consider being something that i could wait until my next visit to talk about. I am really worried though. Maybe I can call my primary care doctor. She might be able to help me and if she says so, I will have an excuse to call my shrink.
I managed to find the time today to look into a fetish club that I used to go to about 8 years ago. It's closed but I ended up in a sea of fetish sites and local events for people who are into various fetishes. I don't have a really kinky sex life but I am looking for a solution to my sex problems with my husband.
Once I found this stuff I thought that I would try to find a way to make myself go. I wanted to go with my best friend because when I am with her I feel like people aren't looking at me. She is very pretty and guys like to look at her. I can sort of fad into the background when she is around. I like that feeling. All the while I wish that I could have her body and get the attention that she gets. Maybe one day.
When my husband got home from work I was really excited to tell him about the fetish parties and see if he would be interested in going. He starts the conversation with "You know I am not into that fetish stuff, but I will go with you". I could feel one of 2 ways, 1. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have other interests when it comes to sex and he is willing to hold up a wall while I enjoy myself or 2. Sure, I am happy to go and maybe learn what makes you happy. But because I have mental problems I pick option 1.
I am having some mixed feelings about taking my husband with me. I don't know if I would have a good time if he went with me. I think that I will have a better time if I went with my best friend. She is a lot of fun and is very open minded. My husband has this habit of pointing at people and picking out their flaws. It makes me feel bad because I know that I am not the best looking person, I know that I am overweight. I just feel that because he is so vocal about other people, what is he saying inside about me? It makes me feel awful all of the time.
I want to try to go to bed earlier tonight. An interesting thing about last night is that I put the laptop away and turned off the TV at 2 am. My husband tells me today that at 5:30 in the morning that I was slupped over the laptop, with the TV on and he had to put me to bed. I don't know what happened and I am wondering if I am sleep walking or something. I don't remember it happening at all. I am wondering if it will happen again, if it has happened in the past and if so what have I done. I am kind of afraid. I smoke and I would hate to light up in the middle of the night and burn the house down.
I would like to call my shrink and ask her what is wrong but she tells me that I am too needy. I am afraid that this is something she would consider being something that i could wait until my next visit to talk about. I am really worried though. Maybe I can call my primary care doctor. She might be able to help me and if she says so, I will have an excuse to call my shrink.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Feeling Complete
After last nights post I did a lot of thinking. I have decided that I need to rely on myself to make myself happy. This means a lot for me. This means that I am really going to have to get over my fear of driving far from home. I need to be self supporting. I need to get a job or get my website off the ground. If my husband would design my website then I could be bringing in money for myself on a regular basis. It would also give me something to do with my time. It would be something that would make me feel useful. At the same time it means, relying on my husband to do something for me. And that is what I am trying to avoid. So, for the time being, I am going to give up my dream to have my own website like that.
I was up last night (or this morning) until 5 am. My husband made it home around 1:30-2 am and he went right to bed. I stayed up making lists and planning things. I am really getting into planning my daughter's 13th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, My son's 8th birthday and then my anniversary and Valentine's day. I have so much happening over the next few months that I won't have any time to just sit and be depressed.
With all that is going to be happening this is going to be the best time for me to start focusing on myself. If I want sex then I am just going to masturbate. It works! And if I need something else in my life then I am just going to figure out a way that I can get it myself. I know that I could continue to depend on my husband but that isn't going to make me happy.
What will make me happy is actually getting over my fears and doing things for myself and not having to depend on other people to get things done in my life. I have had to do it for so long now that I am not quite sure that I can do it, I am willing to give it a try though.
My biggest problem is going to be driving. I haven't driven more then a couple miles from home in almost a year. Even then it wasn't more then 15 miles. It's been about 5 years or more since I have been able to drive freely. Sadly, I have a brand new car that just sits in the drive way everyday because my husband has the feeling that "one day your gonna want to drive and it will be sitting there for you". It's a very sweet thought but we could have an extra $400 a month if we didn't have the extra car.
I really want to work on loosing weight. I am sure that the cause of my weight gain is medical. I am not sure if it is because of my thyroid, medications or the fact that I don't get as much exercise as I have in the past. I gained it so fast that I am sure that it is one of the first 2. I have been eating a salad at least once a day with fat free dressing. I am watching what I eat and trying not to snack too much. I am going to start taking a diet pill each day and see if I really see any results. If I don't I will know for sure that it is medical. If I do see some results from just the little that I am doing then I am going to get a membership to the local pool and go there every day and swim to loose weight.
I would really love to loose about 60 pounds. I gained 80 in just 2 years after I had my son. No matter what I do I can't seem to get below 189. I don't need to be 110 anymore, but I would like to fit into a size 10 at least. i would feel sexier if I could do that. I wouldn't need my husband's affections so much if I felt to myself that I was sexy. I would love to wear half shirts and short shorts like my best friend. I am so jealous of her sometimes.
I have also gotten back into painting. Today I am working on a painting of Bettie Paige in a really sexy outfit and pose. I don't know if I really have any talent, I just know that I enjoy doing it. Other people seem to think that I have some talent. I just don't know if they say that just to make me feel good. Either way, I am happy that I am feeling like doing it. It makes me happy to finish a painting. I did something the other day and just using a paint brush puts a smile on my face no matter how bad the painting turns out.
I am thinking about taking some art classes at the college. I have always been nervous about it because of my age. I don't want to stand out. I would feel more comfortable if I was younger. Although a few years ago I took a pottery class and I was the youngest person out of the 15 person class. I would want to contact the school and find out the ages of the people taking the class. It would be really nice to go and learn the proper way to draw and paint. That too would require me getting over my fear of driving because the closest school is about 10 miles from home and the art schools are usually about 20 miles from home.
I also want to say that my experiment of using this as a form of therapy is working. Not allowing any of my friends or family to know that I am writing on this site is really helping me to work thru a lot of things. I think that being able to write exactly how I am feeling without having to worry about what someone will think or do really makes it easier to express myself. I hardly ever blog on my real site anymore. I enjoy doing this so much that I don't like writing anything for my superficial site, especially when I know I can speak the truth here.
I need to work on making a list of goals that I need to complete by the end of next year. I am going to get a 2008 calendar just for logging my goals. I want to set dates for doing things and I want to track my progress on it too. I am also really going to start tracking my sex life too. I really want to see what I can do wit my life in just one year. I used to be a very independent person, even as a child.
It is very hard for me to be the person that I am today. It is also hard that other people don't see that it is so hard for me to be depending on others so much now days. I hate it and I want to change bak to the old me. If I am going to be in a wheelchair within 3 years like they say I don't want to go out like this. I want to go out standing strong. I think that would be the only way that I will be able to handle the helplessness of being in a wheelchair. At least then I will have known that I could do stuff for myself if otherwise I wasn't disabled.
This reminds me that I am applying for disability. My mother and my brother are both on it. I heard that no matter what they deny you the first time. Luckily, my best friend used to work doing appeals for people. She says that she will help me to appeal if I have to. I think that if anyone was to get approved the first time it would be me. I have so many conditions and symptoms that it took 6 typed pages to tell them about it all. I really hope that I get it because my medical bills are so high that we are in debt because of them. My medical bills total about $400 a month. If we could get support then I wouldn't have to rely on child support to pay for my car each month. We would be able to live like my husband makes the kind of money that he does. We will see what they say about it.
It's getting late. I need to start trying to relax so that I can go to bed before 5 am tonight. I already know it will be after midnight but I hope it's not after 2. I want to start writing a list of things I need to do for Christmas. I have already started a shopping list. I need to look around and see what I can get my husband for Christmas. My back hurts a lot though and I don't know if i can sit up at the computer too much longer tonight. I hope that I sleep in tomorrow. it would be nice to sleep until 1 or something.
I was up last night (or this morning) until 5 am. My husband made it home around 1:30-2 am and he went right to bed. I stayed up making lists and planning things. I am really getting into planning my daughter's 13th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, My son's 8th birthday and then my anniversary and Valentine's day. I have so much happening over the next few months that I won't have any time to just sit and be depressed.
With all that is going to be happening this is going to be the best time for me to start focusing on myself. If I want sex then I am just going to masturbate. It works! And if I need something else in my life then I am just going to figure out a way that I can get it myself. I know that I could continue to depend on my husband but that isn't going to make me happy.
What will make me happy is actually getting over my fears and doing things for myself and not having to depend on other people to get things done in my life. I have had to do it for so long now that I am not quite sure that I can do it, I am willing to give it a try though.
My biggest problem is going to be driving. I haven't driven more then a couple miles from home in almost a year. Even then it wasn't more then 15 miles. It's been about 5 years or more since I have been able to drive freely. Sadly, I have a brand new car that just sits in the drive way everyday because my husband has the feeling that "one day your gonna want to drive and it will be sitting there for you". It's a very sweet thought but we could have an extra $400 a month if we didn't have the extra car.
I really want to work on loosing weight. I am sure that the cause of my weight gain is medical. I am not sure if it is because of my thyroid, medications or the fact that I don't get as much exercise as I have in the past. I gained it so fast that I am sure that it is one of the first 2. I have been eating a salad at least once a day with fat free dressing. I am watching what I eat and trying not to snack too much. I am going to start taking a diet pill each day and see if I really see any results. If I don't I will know for sure that it is medical. If I do see some results from just the little that I am doing then I am going to get a membership to the local pool and go there every day and swim to loose weight.
I would really love to loose about 60 pounds. I gained 80 in just 2 years after I had my son. No matter what I do I can't seem to get below 189. I don't need to be 110 anymore, but I would like to fit into a size 10 at least. i would feel sexier if I could do that. I wouldn't need my husband's affections so much if I felt to myself that I was sexy. I would love to wear half shirts and short shorts like my best friend. I am so jealous of her sometimes.
I have also gotten back into painting. Today I am working on a painting of Bettie Paige in a really sexy outfit and pose. I don't know if I really have any talent, I just know that I enjoy doing it. Other people seem to think that I have some talent. I just don't know if they say that just to make me feel good. Either way, I am happy that I am feeling like doing it. It makes me happy to finish a painting. I did something the other day and just using a paint brush puts a smile on my face no matter how bad the painting turns out.
I am thinking about taking some art classes at the college. I have always been nervous about it because of my age. I don't want to stand out. I would feel more comfortable if I was younger. Although a few years ago I took a pottery class and I was the youngest person out of the 15 person class. I would want to contact the school and find out the ages of the people taking the class. It would be really nice to go and learn the proper way to draw and paint. That too would require me getting over my fear of driving because the closest school is about 10 miles from home and the art schools are usually about 20 miles from home.
I also want to say that my experiment of using this as a form of therapy is working. Not allowing any of my friends or family to know that I am writing on this site is really helping me to work thru a lot of things. I think that being able to write exactly how I am feeling without having to worry about what someone will think or do really makes it easier to express myself. I hardly ever blog on my real site anymore. I enjoy doing this so much that I don't like writing anything for my superficial site, especially when I know I can speak the truth here.
I need to work on making a list of goals that I need to complete by the end of next year. I am going to get a 2008 calendar just for logging my goals. I want to set dates for doing things and I want to track my progress on it too. I am also really going to start tracking my sex life too. I really want to see what I can do wit my life in just one year. I used to be a very independent person, even as a child.
It is very hard for me to be the person that I am today. It is also hard that other people don't see that it is so hard for me to be depending on others so much now days. I hate it and I want to change bak to the old me. If I am going to be in a wheelchair within 3 years like they say I don't want to go out like this. I want to go out standing strong. I think that would be the only way that I will be able to handle the helplessness of being in a wheelchair. At least then I will have known that I could do stuff for myself if otherwise I wasn't disabled.
This reminds me that I am applying for disability. My mother and my brother are both on it. I heard that no matter what they deny you the first time. Luckily, my best friend used to work doing appeals for people. She says that she will help me to appeal if I have to. I think that if anyone was to get approved the first time it would be me. I have so many conditions and symptoms that it took 6 typed pages to tell them about it all. I really hope that I get it because my medical bills are so high that we are in debt because of them. My medical bills total about $400 a month. If we could get support then I wouldn't have to rely on child support to pay for my car each month. We would be able to live like my husband makes the kind of money that he does. We will see what they say about it.
It's getting late. I need to start trying to relax so that I can go to bed before 5 am tonight. I already know it will be after midnight but I hope it's not after 2. I want to start writing a list of things I need to do for Christmas. I have already started a shopping list. I need to look around and see what I can get my husband for Christmas. My back hurts a lot though and I don't know if i can sit up at the computer too much longer tonight. I hope that I sleep in tomorrow. it would be nice to sleep until 1 or something.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Chantix Sabatical
I had been taking Chantix and I was doing pretty good. I was smoking a lot less then I had been. Several days ago I forgot to take my pills that day and I haven't taken the pills for about a week. I am back to smoking a few packs a day again. I guess that means that the pills were helping and I need to go back on them. I had just noticed that my percocet and other pain pills weren't working while I was taking the Chantix. I need my pain pills to work. I don't know what to do.
Since I haven't been sleeping I haven't been willing to take the Chantix. I need to sleep but I still haven't gotten back on the pills because I think that they were effecting my sleep. I need to quit smoking though. It's a hard choice to make.
Since I haven't been sleeping I haven't been willing to take the Chantix. I need to sleep but I still haven't gotten back on the pills because I think that they were effecting my sleep. I need to quit smoking though. It's a hard choice to make.
Sex with my husband or the lack there of
The reason that I have trouble talking to my husband about these things is that I am afraid that I might hurt his feelings with some of the problems I have. It just seems like my husband isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. It used to be several times a day. Then I had my son and ever since then we haven't had sex more often then once a month. I gained some weight because of my thyroid condition, I know that I am not as attractive as I was 8 years ago but I want sex all the time, He doesn't. I don't know if it is me or if it is him.
Sometimes when we have sex he doesn't stay hard. It's like I am not turning him on. That makes me feel awful. I don't feel sexy. All women need to feel wanted by their spouse, I don't. I feel like I am not what he wants anymore. I want my husband to throw me down on the bed and rip my clothes off like he did in the past. We used to have sex everywhere and anywhere. Now we have sex, in the dark,on the bed and only on a non-work night. This can't just be because he is 33. He's not that old. And if he thought that the problem was physical on his part why hasn't he gone to the doctor to see what they could do for him if he really wanted to have sex with me.
Seriously, I don't understand why he can't keep it hard when we are in the middle of having sex. I mean if your kissing and sucking and all of that how can you not be "ready to use"? Just reaching down and finding that turns me off immediately and I just roll over. We don't talk about it though. I wish that we could. I wish that I could talk to him about it. I wish that I could find out from him exactly what is going on in his head when this happens. He just acts like it is all fine.
What am I suppose to do as a person who is borderline nymphomaniac? I want sex all of the time. I masturbate every day. I want sex every single day no matter how much pain I am in from my other conditions. He tries to sometimes blame me for the fact that we don't have sex. He says that my knees and shoulders are bad and he doesn't want to hurt me, no matter how many times I tell him that it doesn't hurt me to have sex. If anything sex makes me feel better for a short while.
A lot of the time he will blame it on the time of the day. We will stay up until 10 or so every night to watch TV shows. Then he will say that the kids are going to wake him at 6 am and he needs to get to bed. But a night like tonight when he is going to go out to a bar to watch a fight and stay out til 1 or 2 am is fine. He will even stay up late to play video games even on a work night but if I ask for sex he will tell me he has to go to bed.
I really don't know how to feel about this whole thing. I don;t know if I should be trying to lose weight and work out or if the problem is something medical with him and I should be sympathetic to him. Or maybe it is all just a part of him getting older and not finding sex appealing anymore.
Sex is very important to me. Sex is my way of showing my husband that I love him, that I find him attractive, that I want to make him feel good. I feel like he should want to have sex with me for the same reasons. If he doesn't want to have sex then I feel like he doesn't feel one or all of those things about me.
What can I do to fix this? No matter how many times I talk to my friend about this situation and how many times I have tried her advice nothing seems to get better. I am going to go back to writing it all on a calendar and after a year I am going to show my husband and see what he has to say after that. This means that I will have to wait at least a year to see any changes. I am also going to keep track of my physical pain so that I know how that is effecting our sex life. I will also keep track of how the sex goes and what all we do and how long it lasts. I think that because he is a rational and logical person he might see why this is such a problem for me.
I guess this is all that I can do right now. Unless anyone else has any advice for me. I am willing to try anything at this point. I don't want to have another Anniversary like our last one. Last year I called ahead to the hotel and I had them spread rose petals all over the room, bed and hot tub. They lit candles for us and even had a nice fruit plate out for us. The first night I had a lot of sex games for us to play and we didn't even have sex. We got tattoos of each others names on our arms the following day and then that night I tried to have sex but it wouldn't get hard. So, I faked getting sick and we came home early. We have only had sex about 5 times since then. That was in February.
I really want a change. I will do what ever I have to do to change things, I need a change. I really need to feel sexy. I really need to feel wanted. I especially need to get sex from my husband because I have had thoughts of looking else where. I don't want to cheat on my husband but I am fantasizing about it now. I love my husband and I would never want to lose him. I could never hut him that way. I just want my sex life to be a little more lively.
Sometimes when we have sex he doesn't stay hard. It's like I am not turning him on. That makes me feel awful. I don't feel sexy. All women need to feel wanted by their spouse, I don't. I feel like I am not what he wants anymore. I want my husband to throw me down on the bed and rip my clothes off like he did in the past. We used to have sex everywhere and anywhere. Now we have sex, in the dark,on the bed and only on a non-work night. This can't just be because he is 33. He's not that old. And if he thought that the problem was physical on his part why hasn't he gone to the doctor to see what they could do for him if he really wanted to have sex with me.
Seriously, I don't understand why he can't keep it hard when we are in the middle of having sex. I mean if your kissing and sucking and all of that how can you not be "ready to use"? Just reaching down and finding that turns me off immediately and I just roll over. We don't talk about it though. I wish that we could. I wish that I could talk to him about it. I wish that I could find out from him exactly what is going on in his head when this happens. He just acts like it is all fine.
What am I suppose to do as a person who is borderline nymphomaniac? I want sex all of the time. I masturbate every day. I want sex every single day no matter how much pain I am in from my other conditions. He tries to sometimes blame me for the fact that we don't have sex. He says that my knees and shoulders are bad and he doesn't want to hurt me, no matter how many times I tell him that it doesn't hurt me to have sex. If anything sex makes me feel better for a short while.
A lot of the time he will blame it on the time of the day. We will stay up until 10 or so every night to watch TV shows. Then he will say that the kids are going to wake him at 6 am and he needs to get to bed. But a night like tonight when he is going to go out to a bar to watch a fight and stay out til 1 or 2 am is fine. He will even stay up late to play video games even on a work night but if I ask for sex he will tell me he has to go to bed.
I really don't know how to feel about this whole thing. I don;t know if I should be trying to lose weight and work out or if the problem is something medical with him and I should be sympathetic to him. Or maybe it is all just a part of him getting older and not finding sex appealing anymore.
Sex is very important to me. Sex is my way of showing my husband that I love him, that I find him attractive, that I want to make him feel good. I feel like he should want to have sex with me for the same reasons. If he doesn't want to have sex then I feel like he doesn't feel one or all of those things about me.
What can I do to fix this? No matter how many times I talk to my friend about this situation and how many times I have tried her advice nothing seems to get better. I am going to go back to writing it all on a calendar and after a year I am going to show my husband and see what he has to say after that. This means that I will have to wait at least a year to see any changes. I am also going to keep track of my physical pain so that I know how that is effecting our sex life. I will also keep track of how the sex goes and what all we do and how long it lasts. I think that because he is a rational and logical person he might see why this is such a problem for me.
I guess this is all that I can do right now. Unless anyone else has any advice for me. I am willing to try anything at this point. I don't want to have another Anniversary like our last one. Last year I called ahead to the hotel and I had them spread rose petals all over the room, bed and hot tub. They lit candles for us and even had a nice fruit plate out for us. The first night I had a lot of sex games for us to play and we didn't even have sex. We got tattoos of each others names on our arms the following day and then that night I tried to have sex but it wouldn't get hard. So, I faked getting sick and we came home early. We have only had sex about 5 times since then. That was in February.
I really want a change. I will do what ever I have to do to change things, I need a change. I really need to feel sexy. I really need to feel wanted. I especially need to get sex from my husband because I have had thoughts of looking else where. I don't want to cheat on my husband but I am fantasizing about it now. I love my husband and I would never want to lose him. I could never hut him that way. I just want my sex life to be a little more lively.
My Husband is on a date with my best friend
Yeah, that is what I said. My best friend and my husband are at Hooters right now watching a UFC fight. I am pretty comfortable with the whole thing. I know that they would never hurt me and I trust the both of them with my life and the life of my children, so I am pretty sure I can trust them alone together.
I have to admit that I feel a little upset. I was invited to go with them of course but I have no interest in UFC fighting. I get jealous about the fact that they have a lot to talk about together. They have something in common. They have something to laugh with each other about. I don't have that with my husband much anymore. It makes me wish that I could find this stuff interesting. I mean every Sunday my husband goes into his TV room and spends the whole day watching all of the fight shows he has Tivoed during the week. I spend that time being lonely and wanting to talk to him, cuddle with him, lay with him and all of that stuff.
I feel like I need something more from my husband then what I am getting. I need more conversation. I need more emotional support. I need more sex then once every few months. I feel so lonely even with him sitting right beside me. Sometimes I feel like I would rather him be gone then to have to sit and think about how we aren't talking even though we have been in front of the TV all day.
I don't know if I can blame him though. I don't do anything. I don't leave the house. I have nothing to talk to him about. When he talks to me about work I am just bored because it's the same stuff every day.
We don't talk about feelings. We don't talk about deep things. Whenever I start to talk about my feelings I am put under a microscope. If I am feeling depressed he will blame it on my period or lack of. I feel like this is making me feel emotionless. I don't want to talk, I don't want to tell him that I am feeling like I am alone even with his arm around me. I feel Like he wants me to be depressed so that I constantly question my own thoughts as to whether they are real or just part of a chemical imbalance.
I take my pills every day so that he can't blame my feelings on the lack of medication. Do you know what it is like to not be able to feel? To question your own reality? It makes you insane. It makes you hurt even more. I find myself turning to my best friend more and more. She doesn't question me. She listens to me and she gives me advice.
I recently started telling my best friend that I love her. While I am bisexual, I don't think of her that way. I do find her attractive and a strong woman, she just isn't my type. But I feel very close to her. I feel closer to her then my own family. I think of her as a sister more then anything else.
It really makes me happy to know that I can call someone any time day or night if I need her. Sometimes I feel like she is more available to me then my own husband. I know that I can talk to her about more things then I can talk to my own husband about. I can talk to her about my problems with my sex life (that might upset my husband) and I can't even talk to my husband about sex, except in a joking way. I can't tell him about my concerns about the fact that we don't have sex more often or the problems that we have when having sex.
I have to admit that I feel a little upset. I was invited to go with them of course but I have no interest in UFC fighting. I get jealous about the fact that they have a lot to talk about together. They have something in common. They have something to laugh with each other about. I don't have that with my husband much anymore. It makes me wish that I could find this stuff interesting. I mean every Sunday my husband goes into his TV room and spends the whole day watching all of the fight shows he has Tivoed during the week. I spend that time being lonely and wanting to talk to him, cuddle with him, lay with him and all of that stuff.
I feel like I need something more from my husband then what I am getting. I need more conversation. I need more emotional support. I need more sex then once every few months. I feel so lonely even with him sitting right beside me. Sometimes I feel like I would rather him be gone then to have to sit and think about how we aren't talking even though we have been in front of the TV all day.
I don't know if I can blame him though. I don't do anything. I don't leave the house. I have nothing to talk to him about. When he talks to me about work I am just bored because it's the same stuff every day.
We don't talk about feelings. We don't talk about deep things. Whenever I start to talk about my feelings I am put under a microscope. If I am feeling depressed he will blame it on my period or lack of. I feel like this is making me feel emotionless. I don't want to talk, I don't want to tell him that I am feeling like I am alone even with his arm around me. I feel Like he wants me to be depressed so that I constantly question my own thoughts as to whether they are real or just part of a chemical imbalance.
I take my pills every day so that he can't blame my feelings on the lack of medication. Do you know what it is like to not be able to feel? To question your own reality? It makes you insane. It makes you hurt even more. I find myself turning to my best friend more and more. She doesn't question me. She listens to me and she gives me advice.
I recently started telling my best friend that I love her. While I am bisexual, I don't think of her that way. I do find her attractive and a strong woman, she just isn't my type. But I feel very close to her. I feel closer to her then my own family. I think of her as a sister more then anything else.
It really makes me happy to know that I can call someone any time day or night if I need her. Sometimes I feel like she is more available to me then my own husband. I know that I can talk to her about more things then I can talk to my own husband about. I can talk to her about my problems with my sex life (that might upset my husband) and I can't even talk to my husband about sex, except in a joking way. I can't tell him about my concerns about the fact that we don't have sex more often or the problems that we have when having sex.
Filling For SSI in Maryland
Yesterday I finished all of the paperwork to apply to get disability. I had been coming up with reasons not to file for a pretty long time. I am going to go ahead and assume that they are going to deny m the first time that I apply. I hear that is what thy do to most people. Luckily I have a best friend that use to work filing appeals for this kind of thing so I am not really worried about that.
Also, it's not like I have anything to lose by doing this. It took me about a week to write up all of the information I wanted them to know (which means it gave me something to do for a week, and it would really help if I do get it. Then I would at least feel like I am contributing to the household and also it will help reduce the monthly medication and co-pays each month. it would be nice to be able to keep appointments and have the money for my medications when I need them.
I am also not going to get my hopes up that I am going to get help because I "don't have enough work credits to receive benefits" I am not sure what that means but I know that I haven't been able to work at all for the last 8 years. That should count for something. It should show that I haven't been able to work in such a long time and with all of my medical records they should be able to see that I am unable to work with the combination of all of my symptoms.
I have to admit that I am getting a little stressed about the idea of having to go in and talk to them. I have a major memory problem and I wouldn't be able to remember all of my symptoms and diagnoses without having them written down. But I put in the papers that I have a serious memory problem so they should understand. And my best friend will be there to help me, hopefully she will be there with me, I don't know if I could do it without her.
So, wish me luck and I hope that I am able to post more about how SSI works and how to apply here in MD. I will put the links up on the sidebar eventually to help those who need it.
Also, it's not like I have anything to lose by doing this. It took me about a week to write up all of the information I wanted them to know (which means it gave me something to do for a week, and it would really help if I do get it. Then I would at least feel like I am contributing to the household and also it will help reduce the monthly medication and co-pays each month. it would be nice to be able to keep appointments and have the money for my medications when I need them.
I am also not going to get my hopes up that I am going to get help because I "don't have enough work credits to receive benefits" I am not sure what that means but I know that I haven't been able to work at all for the last 8 years. That should count for something. It should show that I haven't been able to work in such a long time and with all of my medical records they should be able to see that I am unable to work with the combination of all of my symptoms.
I have to admit that I am getting a little stressed about the idea of having to go in and talk to them. I have a major memory problem and I wouldn't be able to remember all of my symptoms and diagnoses without having them written down. But I put in the papers that I have a serious memory problem so they should understand. And my best friend will be there to help me, hopefully she will be there with me, I don't know if I could do it without her.
So, wish me luck and I hope that I am able to post more about how SSI works and how to apply here in MD. I will put the links up on the sidebar eventually to help those who need it.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Shocking News
On Friday afternoon I got some very shocking news about my 12 year old daughter. Her principal called me around 4 PM and told me that she had been cutting herself because she is worried about how sick I am and because of things that are happening at her father's and with friends at school.
I know that she has been having trouble but she is a very quiet girl and she doesn't like to talk to me about much. She talks to her friends a lot but I can't get much out of her. I have been trying to talk to her each day after school but she doesn't talk about her dad's or school to me. I feel like she has 3 lives. I don't know how to get thru to her.
When I got this news I was a wreck. I didn't know what to do. I asked her to come and talk to me as soon as she got home from school. She didn't say much other then she had cut herself with a broken mirror. She has a small scar on her wrist where she did this. She said that she did it because she was upset about life.
I am worried because bi-polar runs in my family along with other mental problems and I am worried that she is starting to become affected by something more then typical teenage angst. I need to get thru to her. I need to get her to open up. At the same time I think that I need to get her in to see a shrink.
My husband and I are on different sides of this situation. When I told him what she had done she just said that she is trying to do something that she thinks is cool. I was really pissed at him for saying this. I have to say that this is the first time that I have felt that he has separate standards for my daughter and our son. I really think that if our son was doing this he would be the first person on the phone to find him a doctor.
I also felt really bad because my best friend ran over here to talk to me because I was so upset about my daughter. Then my husband came home and he started saying these things in front of her. She emailed me later and said that she felt really uncomfortable about being in the middle of our fight. I just ended it with him so that she wouldn't have to be in the middle for long.
Sadly, my husband and I haven't talked about it at all since Friday afternoon. I just didn't want to argue again. I am taking it into my own hands to get her a shrink and getting her to talk to someone about what is going on in her life that is making her do this.
When I talked to her I didn't tell her that I had this problem myself until about 2 years ago. I used it as a way to control my own pain. It was something that I could do to make the pain go away, sounds absurd but it's true. The only thing that stopped me was my husband. I don't even know exactly what made me stop. I know why it started though. It was because of the sexual abuse I was going thru as a teen. I am really hoping that it isn't anything that serious for her. But I imagine that it has to be something that is hard to deal with. Just because I know what it feels like to hurt yourself. It has to be done to cover up the other pain.
I would love to hear from other people who have been in this situation either as themselves or with their child. I never thought that I would have to deal with this from my daughter but it has happened and I can use all of the advice that I can get.
I know that she has been having trouble but she is a very quiet girl and she doesn't like to talk to me about much. She talks to her friends a lot but I can't get much out of her. I have been trying to talk to her each day after school but she doesn't talk about her dad's or school to me. I feel like she has 3 lives. I don't know how to get thru to her.
When I got this news I was a wreck. I didn't know what to do. I asked her to come and talk to me as soon as she got home from school. She didn't say much other then she had cut herself with a broken mirror. She has a small scar on her wrist where she did this. She said that she did it because she was upset about life.
I am worried because bi-polar runs in my family along with other mental problems and I am worried that she is starting to become affected by something more then typical teenage angst. I need to get thru to her. I need to get her to open up. At the same time I think that I need to get her in to see a shrink.
My husband and I are on different sides of this situation. When I told him what she had done she just said that she is trying to do something that she thinks is cool. I was really pissed at him for saying this. I have to say that this is the first time that I have felt that he has separate standards for my daughter and our son. I really think that if our son was doing this he would be the first person on the phone to find him a doctor.
I also felt really bad because my best friend ran over here to talk to me because I was so upset about my daughter. Then my husband came home and he started saying these things in front of her. She emailed me later and said that she felt really uncomfortable about being in the middle of our fight. I just ended it with him so that she wouldn't have to be in the middle for long.
Sadly, my husband and I haven't talked about it at all since Friday afternoon. I just didn't want to argue again. I am taking it into my own hands to get her a shrink and getting her to talk to someone about what is going on in her life that is making her do this.
When I talked to her I didn't tell her that I had this problem myself until about 2 years ago. I used it as a way to control my own pain. It was something that I could do to make the pain go away, sounds absurd but it's true. The only thing that stopped me was my husband. I don't even know exactly what made me stop. I know why it started though. It was because of the sexual abuse I was going thru as a teen. I am really hoping that it isn't anything that serious for her. But I imagine that it has to be something that is hard to deal with. Just because I know what it feels like to hurt yourself. It has to be done to cover up the other pain.
I would love to hear from other people who have been in this situation either as themselves or with their child. I never thought that I would have to deal with this from my daughter but it has happened and I can use all of the advice that I can get.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Food Poisoning
I have been sick for the last 2 days, 3 really. I have been waking up at 3 am every morning to throw-up. I don't like feeling like this. Can't sit up anymore.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Long Day
Today is such a long day. I was awoken by my sons school calling this morning. It was about 8:30 am and I normally don't get up until about 11 am. The thing that pissed me off the most was that they didn't call because he did something wrong it was because he had forgotten his glasses. I don't need to be woken up for that. Do I? Really?
So, Already in a bad mood I get a message from one of my brother's exes (ex #2), she was saying that she was told that my brother was back in town. I had to call her to tell her that it was not possible because she was so upset and nervous. I ended up talking to her for about 3 hours.
I really like her as a friend but I always get uncomfortable talking to her about the child abuse we both went thru as little girls. She is a really nice girl and we have a lot in common. Every time we talk it is for hours at a time. I feel really bad about what my brother did to her. He just up and left her and her daughter without even saying he wasn't going back to OK after he visited me in MD. I started calling her after he left just to let her know that I didn't approve of what he did. We get along and I can really use the friends.
BTW, my brother's other ex, ex #1, posted on his new girlfriends MySpace account that he has plans to come and see her this Christmas and has been talking to her on the phone. I almost don't believe it because she is so crazy. Except that I know that my brother has plans to come down and see me for Christmas and I told him his new girl wasn't invited. He told me at that point that he was planning on bringing her back to MD and leaving her here then. He hasn't told her that yet though. I really don't see what chicks see in him.
I have so much that I could be doing today, I just don't feel like doing any of it. I guess I have been getting lazy over the years. My husband does so much for me that I think he has made me spoiled. I actually made myself and my best friend matching shirts that say "Spoiled Bitch" on them. I can't wear mine often because of the kids, but I like having it.
So, Already in a bad mood I get a message from one of my brother's exes (ex #2), she was saying that she was told that my brother was back in town. I had to call her to tell her that it was not possible because she was so upset and nervous. I ended up talking to her for about 3 hours.
I really like her as a friend but I always get uncomfortable talking to her about the child abuse we both went thru as little girls. She is a really nice girl and we have a lot in common. Every time we talk it is for hours at a time. I feel really bad about what my brother did to her. He just up and left her and her daughter without even saying he wasn't going back to OK after he visited me in MD. I started calling her after he left just to let her know that I didn't approve of what he did. We get along and I can really use the friends.
BTW, my brother's other ex, ex #1, posted on his new girlfriends MySpace account that he has plans to come and see her this Christmas and has been talking to her on the phone. I almost don't believe it because she is so crazy. Except that I know that my brother has plans to come down and see me for Christmas and I told him his new girl wasn't invited. He told me at that point that he was planning on bringing her back to MD and leaving her here then. He hasn't told her that yet though. I really don't see what chicks see in him.
I have so much that I could be doing today, I just don't feel like doing any of it. I guess I have been getting lazy over the years. My husband does so much for me that I think he has made me spoiled. I actually made myself and my best friend matching shirts that say "Spoiled Bitch" on them. I can't wear mine often because of the kids, but I like having it.
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