Trying To Be Myself

This is really hard for me right now. I don't know what is going on in my brain or why it is happening. I can't seem to think rationally anymore. It's really unfair. I am hoping that with all of the tests that I have had done in the last week that they will figure out what the problem is.

Tomorrow I have to go in for a pelvic exam. I haven't gotten my period for 105 days. I know for a fact that I am not pregnant. I have had cysts and cancer cells in the past so this has me very worried. Another possibility is that I am going thru early menopause because my mother and my aunt both went thru menopause in their early 30's, so it could be hereditary.

The blood test that I had last week should tell them what I have. My white blood cell count is also really high, has been for over a year. It's so high that they did an HIV test on me a few months ago. It came back negative, just so you know.

I am so nervous about what it could all mean. My doctor actually made the comment of "Once we figure this out we are going to name this after you". This is not something that makes you feel very good. Also, at my last visit I looked at my file and it is literally about 4 inches thick, this is for only about 5 years of seeing her. I made a comment about how big it was and that I had the biggest file in the office and she said for my age it is the biggest one. That is kind of scary.

I am trying to apply for disability now. I haven't been able to work for 8 years. I have so amny medical conditions that I really couldn't work if I wanted to. I am either in too much pain or I am depressed or sick from the Lupus. I have heard that the first application is denied but that if you keep trying they will eventually accept you. The other thing working against me is that I don't have enough "work credits". I don't really know what that means but I am going to try anyway. If anyone has any helpful hints please let me know. I really need the help to pay for my medications and all of that stuff. I spend about $400 a month (just in co-pays) for ll of my medical stuff. That's a lot of money.