The last few weeks have been pretty hard. I have been depressed, without reason and I haven't found a solution that will make me feel better. I haven't been as bad as I have been in the past. But in the last two days things have gotten pretty bad.
It looks like my husband is going to lose his job in the next week or so. He got notice that he was looking at the internet too much at work and now they have taken it away from him. I am so dressed about this for the obvious reasons but I am also upset because it is almost my daughter's 13th birthday, it will be Christmas, then my sons birthday and then our anniversary. We have a lot coming up over the next 3 months. I am hoping that we will be able to afford to have happy events.
In a way I am kind of mad at my husband for putting us all in this situation, but I can't tell him that. No matter how much I want to yell at him. I am trying to be as supportive as i can. It's really hard though. I also wish that he would talk about it. He just wants to come home and watch TV and zone out. I know that he is thinking about it, I just wish that he would talk to me about it.
I called his parents today because I really am worried about how depressed my husband is. They really want to talk to him but I don't think that it would be good right now. I suggested that he call his father but he says he can't do it right now.
I really hope that all of this works out. I just can't type anymore.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Who Needs Sleep?
Last night I slept like a baby. I slept all night long. I slept until my brother called me at 10 am from 10 pm. It was great! I think that I might be all caught up now. Maybe my sleeping pattern will go back to normal after this. That would be fine with me. I don't know if I am happy sleeping 12 hours out of the day anymore. I kind of liked being awake to see the kids in the morning before school. Only I never have the strength to do anything to help my husband with them.
My brother woke me up this morning because he wanted to know what to get everyone for Christmas. I know that he doesn't have a lot of money and I wouldn't ask him to get anything but he insists. This means we have to get him something nice too. I think that I am going to buy him a cheap electric razor or something like that. He shaves his head a lot so it would be a nice gift for him. I just don't have a lot of money for Christmas this year.
My brother woke me up this morning because he wanted to know what to get everyone for Christmas. I know that he doesn't have a lot of money and I wouldn't ask him to get anything but he insists. This means we have to get him something nice too. I think that I am going to buy him a cheap electric razor or something like that. He shaves his head a lot so it would be a nice gift for him. I just don't have a lot of money for Christmas this year.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Venting Again
I finally got some sleep last night. I passed out watching TV around 9 or 10 I think. My husband left me to go to his room to watch TV and I put on something mindless to watch. I don't think that I laid in bed more then 10 minutes before I passed out. It was wonderful. I woke up around 6 am but I went back to bed from 8-11. It was really nice to finally get some sleep. It think it was the Chantix that was making me do all the stuff in my sleep and keeping me awake all the time.
Now that I am not taking the Chantix I have to give up trying to quit smoking. I feel like I have disappointed my husband. He already quit weeks ago on the assumption that I was going to be smoke free in a matter of weeks. I wish that I could quit for him. I wish that I could quit for my kids. I wish that I could just throw them out the window and never look back.
With me smoking still I am wondering what my husband is going to do about his smoking. Last time he quit for a year and then went out and bought cigarettes because I hadn't quit and we had gotten into a little argument about me smoking around him and how hard it was for him to not smoke with me smoking around him. I know it has to be hard to do. Last night though I made the suggestion that I would smoke outside and he said no. I don't know if he was just saying that so that I would be comfortable or if he really means it. I don't know if I should just go ahead and do it without making a big deal out of it. However, I don't really want to do it because it would mean missing a lot of TV and pausing a lot of movies. I smoke a lot. I think that I am going to try to mental work on not smoking very much in front of him. This may mean that he will be spending a lot of time in is own TV room.
I would really like to start doing more with my husband out of the house. We spend almost all of our time laying in bed watching TV. I would like to at least have a game night, a time when we turn off the TV and just talk to each other. I have to admit that without leaving the house myself, I don't have a whole lot to tell him about. He is very smart and spends hours on the internet so I can never tell him anything he doesn't already know. I need to really find something that I can talk to him about.
I have started my painting today. I am doing a black and white pin up style painting of Betty Paige. I am really into the pin-ups right now. They are just the ultimate in beauty. Models these days don't have the same look as the 40's era pin-ups. I want to look like them. I know that I have a lot of work to do before I will ever look like that, I even question if anyone these days can get a body like that besides that lady Dita Von Teese. She is a beautiful woman.
I have already started planning Christmas. I have already started planning my anniversary which is in February. I want the chance to redo my anniversary from last year, so I want to go to the same hotel and get tattoos again. This time I am getting 2 tattoos and I am going to make an appointment with the tattoo artist for one of the days of our weekend. I am going to get my kids names tattooed on my wrists so that if I ever think about suicide again I will remember my reasons to not do it.
I haven't been suicidal in years but I do get really depressed sometimes and it feels like it is never going to end. It is a really terrible feeling. I wish that the medication I am on would really prevent that from happening. I know that if I went back off the meds that I might just become suicidal again. So, I keep taking the pills. I don't think that I would ever stop. My only wish is that they didn't take away so much from my personality.
One more thing that I want to mention is about my daughter. Her school called me and told me that she has been cutting herself. They called me back today and told me that I need to take her to see a shrink. However, my husband thinks that she doesn't need it. It really upsets me. I wish that he would take this more serious. It makes me think that he is saying this just because she isn't his. It just feels like if it were his son he would be running to the doctor. I just want to know from a professional that she doesn't need to be seen. It makes me have bad feelings about my husband and I don't like it. I would never tell him that though. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that he was just as concerned about it as I am. I used to cut myself, I know the reasons for doing it, I know that you don't just stop. Maybe I will try to talk to my husband about it, maybe he can make me see that he isn't being this way because she isn't his. I hope he does. I really hope that he changes his mind about the doctor too.
Now that I am not taking the Chantix I have to give up trying to quit smoking. I feel like I have disappointed my husband. He already quit weeks ago on the assumption that I was going to be smoke free in a matter of weeks. I wish that I could quit for him. I wish that I could quit for my kids. I wish that I could just throw them out the window and never look back.
With me smoking still I am wondering what my husband is going to do about his smoking. Last time he quit for a year and then went out and bought cigarettes because I hadn't quit and we had gotten into a little argument about me smoking around him and how hard it was for him to not smoke with me smoking around him. I know it has to be hard to do. Last night though I made the suggestion that I would smoke outside and he said no. I don't know if he was just saying that so that I would be comfortable or if he really means it. I don't know if I should just go ahead and do it without making a big deal out of it. However, I don't really want to do it because it would mean missing a lot of TV and pausing a lot of movies. I smoke a lot. I think that I am going to try to mental work on not smoking very much in front of him. This may mean that he will be spending a lot of time in is own TV room.
I would really like to start doing more with my husband out of the house. We spend almost all of our time laying in bed watching TV. I would like to at least have a game night, a time when we turn off the TV and just talk to each other. I have to admit that without leaving the house myself, I don't have a whole lot to tell him about. He is very smart and spends hours on the internet so I can never tell him anything he doesn't already know. I need to really find something that I can talk to him about.
I have started my painting today. I am doing a black and white pin up style painting of Betty Paige. I am really into the pin-ups right now. They are just the ultimate in beauty. Models these days don't have the same look as the 40's era pin-ups. I want to look like them. I know that I have a lot of work to do before I will ever look like that, I even question if anyone these days can get a body like that besides that lady Dita Von Teese. She is a beautiful woman.
I have already started planning Christmas. I have already started planning my anniversary which is in February. I want the chance to redo my anniversary from last year, so I want to go to the same hotel and get tattoos again. This time I am getting 2 tattoos and I am going to make an appointment with the tattoo artist for one of the days of our weekend. I am going to get my kids names tattooed on my wrists so that if I ever think about suicide again I will remember my reasons to not do it.
I haven't been suicidal in years but I do get really depressed sometimes and it feels like it is never going to end. It is a really terrible feeling. I wish that the medication I am on would really prevent that from happening. I know that if I went back off the meds that I might just become suicidal again. So, I keep taking the pills. I don't think that I would ever stop. My only wish is that they didn't take away so much from my personality.
One more thing that I want to mention is about my daughter. Her school called me and told me that she has been cutting herself. They called me back today and told me that I need to take her to see a shrink. However, my husband thinks that she doesn't need it. It really upsets me. I wish that he would take this more serious. It makes me think that he is saying this just because she isn't his. It just feels like if it were his son he would be running to the doctor. I just want to know from a professional that she doesn't need to be seen. It makes me have bad feelings about my husband and I don't like it. I would never tell him that though. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that he was just as concerned about it as I am. I used to cut myself, I know the reasons for doing it, I know that you don't just stop. Maybe I will try to talk to my husband about it, maybe he can make me see that he isn't being this way because she isn't his. I hope he does. I really hope that he changes his mind about the doctor too.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Fetish
Today has been a very long day and I am not even tired yet. I don't know if this is a manic phase or what, I haven't had one in so long. I had a list of stuff to do today a page long and I got everything done and fast. I feel so good, it's like a drug to me to get something done. It just makes me feel so good.
I managed to find the time today to look into a fetish club that I used to go to about 8 years ago. It's closed but I ended up in a sea of fetish sites and local events for people who are into various fetishes. I don't have a really kinky sex life but I am looking for a solution to my sex problems with my husband.
Once I found this stuff I thought that I would try to find a way to make myself go. I wanted to go with my best friend because when I am with her I feel like people aren't looking at me. She is very pretty and guys like to look at her. I can sort of fad into the background when she is around. I like that feeling. All the while I wish that I could have her body and get the attention that she gets. Maybe one day.
When my husband got home from work I was really excited to tell him about the fetish parties and see if he would be interested in going. He starts the conversation with "You know I am not into that fetish stuff, but I will go with you". I could feel one of 2 ways, 1. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have other interests when it comes to sex and he is willing to hold up a wall while I enjoy myself or 2. Sure, I am happy to go and maybe learn what makes you happy. But because I have mental problems I pick option 1.
I am having some mixed feelings about taking my husband with me. I don't know if I would have a good time if he went with me. I think that I will have a better time if I went with my best friend. She is a lot of fun and is very open minded. My husband has this habit of pointing at people and picking out their flaws. It makes me feel bad because I know that I am not the best looking person, I know that I am overweight. I just feel that because he is so vocal about other people, what is he saying inside about me? It makes me feel awful all of the time.
I want to try to go to bed earlier tonight. An interesting thing about last night is that I put the laptop away and turned off the TV at 2 am. My husband tells me today that at 5:30 in the morning that I was slupped over the laptop, with the TV on and he had to put me to bed. I don't know what happened and I am wondering if I am sleep walking or something. I don't remember it happening at all. I am wondering if it will happen again, if it has happened in the past and if so what have I done. I am kind of afraid. I smoke and I would hate to light up in the middle of the night and burn the house down.
I would like to call my shrink and ask her what is wrong but she tells me that I am too needy. I am afraid that this is something she would consider being something that i could wait until my next visit to talk about. I am really worried though. Maybe I can call my primary care doctor. She might be able to help me and if she says so, I will have an excuse to call my shrink.
I managed to find the time today to look into a fetish club that I used to go to about 8 years ago. It's closed but I ended up in a sea of fetish sites and local events for people who are into various fetishes. I don't have a really kinky sex life but I am looking for a solution to my sex problems with my husband.
Once I found this stuff I thought that I would try to find a way to make myself go. I wanted to go with my best friend because when I am with her I feel like people aren't looking at me. She is very pretty and guys like to look at her. I can sort of fad into the background when she is around. I like that feeling. All the while I wish that I could have her body and get the attention that she gets. Maybe one day.
When my husband got home from work I was really excited to tell him about the fetish parties and see if he would be interested in going. He starts the conversation with "You know I am not into that fetish stuff, but I will go with you". I could feel one of 2 ways, 1. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have other interests when it comes to sex and he is willing to hold up a wall while I enjoy myself or 2. Sure, I am happy to go and maybe learn what makes you happy. But because I have mental problems I pick option 1.
I am having some mixed feelings about taking my husband with me. I don't know if I would have a good time if he went with me. I think that I will have a better time if I went with my best friend. She is a lot of fun and is very open minded. My husband has this habit of pointing at people and picking out their flaws. It makes me feel bad because I know that I am not the best looking person, I know that I am overweight. I just feel that because he is so vocal about other people, what is he saying inside about me? It makes me feel awful all of the time.
I want to try to go to bed earlier tonight. An interesting thing about last night is that I put the laptop away and turned off the TV at 2 am. My husband tells me today that at 5:30 in the morning that I was slupped over the laptop, with the TV on and he had to put me to bed. I don't know what happened and I am wondering if I am sleep walking or something. I don't remember it happening at all. I am wondering if it will happen again, if it has happened in the past and if so what have I done. I am kind of afraid. I smoke and I would hate to light up in the middle of the night and burn the house down.
I would like to call my shrink and ask her what is wrong but she tells me that I am too needy. I am afraid that this is something she would consider being something that i could wait until my next visit to talk about. I am really worried though. Maybe I can call my primary care doctor. She might be able to help me and if she says so, I will have an excuse to call my shrink.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Feeling Complete
After last nights post I did a lot of thinking. I have decided that I need to rely on myself to make myself happy. This means a lot for me. This means that I am really going to have to get over my fear of driving far from home. I need to be self supporting. I need to get a job or get my website off the ground. If my husband would design my website then I could be bringing in money for myself on a regular basis. It would also give me something to do with my time. It would be something that would make me feel useful. At the same time it means, relying on my husband to do something for me. And that is what I am trying to avoid. So, for the time being, I am going to give up my dream to have my own website like that.
I was up last night (or this morning) until 5 am. My husband made it home around 1:30-2 am and he went right to bed. I stayed up making lists and planning things. I am really getting into planning my daughter's 13th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, My son's 8th birthday and then my anniversary and Valentine's day. I have so much happening over the next few months that I won't have any time to just sit and be depressed.
With all that is going to be happening this is going to be the best time for me to start focusing on myself. If I want sex then I am just going to masturbate. It works! And if I need something else in my life then I am just going to figure out a way that I can get it myself. I know that I could continue to depend on my husband but that isn't going to make me happy.
What will make me happy is actually getting over my fears and doing things for myself and not having to depend on other people to get things done in my life. I have had to do it for so long now that I am not quite sure that I can do it, I am willing to give it a try though.
My biggest problem is going to be driving. I haven't driven more then a couple miles from home in almost a year. Even then it wasn't more then 15 miles. It's been about 5 years or more since I have been able to drive freely. Sadly, I have a brand new car that just sits in the drive way everyday because my husband has the feeling that "one day your gonna want to drive and it will be sitting there for you". It's a very sweet thought but we could have an extra $400 a month if we didn't have the extra car.
I really want to work on loosing weight. I am sure that the cause of my weight gain is medical. I am not sure if it is because of my thyroid, medications or the fact that I don't get as much exercise as I have in the past. I gained it so fast that I am sure that it is one of the first 2. I have been eating a salad at least once a day with fat free dressing. I am watching what I eat and trying not to snack too much. I am going to start taking a diet pill each day and see if I really see any results. If I don't I will know for sure that it is medical. If I do see some results from just the little that I am doing then I am going to get a membership to the local pool and go there every day and swim to loose weight.
I would really love to loose about 60 pounds. I gained 80 in just 2 years after I had my son. No matter what I do I can't seem to get below 189. I don't need to be 110 anymore, but I would like to fit into a size 10 at least. i would feel sexier if I could do that. I wouldn't need my husband's affections so much if I felt to myself that I was sexy. I would love to wear half shirts and short shorts like my best friend. I am so jealous of her sometimes.
I have also gotten back into painting. Today I am working on a painting of Bettie Paige in a really sexy outfit and pose. I don't know if I really have any talent, I just know that I enjoy doing it. Other people seem to think that I have some talent. I just don't know if they say that just to make me feel good. Either way, I am happy that I am feeling like doing it. It makes me happy to finish a painting. I did something the other day and just using a paint brush puts a smile on my face no matter how bad the painting turns out.
I am thinking about taking some art classes at the college. I have always been nervous about it because of my age. I don't want to stand out. I would feel more comfortable if I was younger. Although a few years ago I took a pottery class and I was the youngest person out of the 15 person class. I would want to contact the school and find out the ages of the people taking the class. It would be really nice to go and learn the proper way to draw and paint. That too would require me getting over my fear of driving because the closest school is about 10 miles from home and the art schools are usually about 20 miles from home.
I also want to say that my experiment of using this as a form of therapy is working. Not allowing any of my friends or family to know that I am writing on this site is really helping me to work thru a lot of things. I think that being able to write exactly how I am feeling without having to worry about what someone will think or do really makes it easier to express myself. I hardly ever blog on my real site anymore. I enjoy doing this so much that I don't like writing anything for my superficial site, especially when I know I can speak the truth here.
I need to work on making a list of goals that I need to complete by the end of next year. I am going to get a 2008 calendar just for logging my goals. I want to set dates for doing things and I want to track my progress on it too. I am also really going to start tracking my sex life too. I really want to see what I can do wit my life in just one year. I used to be a very independent person, even as a child.
It is very hard for me to be the person that I am today. It is also hard that other people don't see that it is so hard for me to be depending on others so much now days. I hate it and I want to change bak to the old me. If I am going to be in a wheelchair within 3 years like they say I don't want to go out like this. I want to go out standing strong. I think that would be the only way that I will be able to handle the helplessness of being in a wheelchair. At least then I will have known that I could do stuff for myself if otherwise I wasn't disabled.
This reminds me that I am applying for disability. My mother and my brother are both on it. I heard that no matter what they deny you the first time. Luckily, my best friend used to work doing appeals for people. She says that she will help me to appeal if I have to. I think that if anyone was to get approved the first time it would be me. I have so many conditions and symptoms that it took 6 typed pages to tell them about it all. I really hope that I get it because my medical bills are so high that we are in debt because of them. My medical bills total about $400 a month. If we could get support then I wouldn't have to rely on child support to pay for my car each month. We would be able to live like my husband makes the kind of money that he does. We will see what they say about it.
It's getting late. I need to start trying to relax so that I can go to bed before 5 am tonight. I already know it will be after midnight but I hope it's not after 2. I want to start writing a list of things I need to do for Christmas. I have already started a shopping list. I need to look around and see what I can get my husband for Christmas. My back hurts a lot though and I don't know if i can sit up at the computer too much longer tonight. I hope that I sleep in tomorrow. it would be nice to sleep until 1 or something.
I was up last night (or this morning) until 5 am. My husband made it home around 1:30-2 am and he went right to bed. I stayed up making lists and planning things. I am really getting into planning my daughter's 13th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, My son's 8th birthday and then my anniversary and Valentine's day. I have so much happening over the next few months that I won't have any time to just sit and be depressed.
With all that is going to be happening this is going to be the best time for me to start focusing on myself. If I want sex then I am just going to masturbate. It works! And if I need something else in my life then I am just going to figure out a way that I can get it myself. I know that I could continue to depend on my husband but that isn't going to make me happy.
What will make me happy is actually getting over my fears and doing things for myself and not having to depend on other people to get things done in my life. I have had to do it for so long now that I am not quite sure that I can do it, I am willing to give it a try though.
My biggest problem is going to be driving. I haven't driven more then a couple miles from home in almost a year. Even then it wasn't more then 15 miles. It's been about 5 years or more since I have been able to drive freely. Sadly, I have a brand new car that just sits in the drive way everyday because my husband has the feeling that "one day your gonna want to drive and it will be sitting there for you". It's a very sweet thought but we could have an extra $400 a month if we didn't have the extra car.
I really want to work on loosing weight. I am sure that the cause of my weight gain is medical. I am not sure if it is because of my thyroid, medications or the fact that I don't get as much exercise as I have in the past. I gained it so fast that I am sure that it is one of the first 2. I have been eating a salad at least once a day with fat free dressing. I am watching what I eat and trying not to snack too much. I am going to start taking a diet pill each day and see if I really see any results. If I don't I will know for sure that it is medical. If I do see some results from just the little that I am doing then I am going to get a membership to the local pool and go there every day and swim to loose weight.
I would really love to loose about 60 pounds. I gained 80 in just 2 years after I had my son. No matter what I do I can't seem to get below 189. I don't need to be 110 anymore, but I would like to fit into a size 10 at least. i would feel sexier if I could do that. I wouldn't need my husband's affections so much if I felt to myself that I was sexy. I would love to wear half shirts and short shorts like my best friend. I am so jealous of her sometimes.
I have also gotten back into painting. Today I am working on a painting of Bettie Paige in a really sexy outfit and pose. I don't know if I really have any talent, I just know that I enjoy doing it. Other people seem to think that I have some talent. I just don't know if they say that just to make me feel good. Either way, I am happy that I am feeling like doing it. It makes me happy to finish a painting. I did something the other day and just using a paint brush puts a smile on my face no matter how bad the painting turns out.
I am thinking about taking some art classes at the college. I have always been nervous about it because of my age. I don't want to stand out. I would feel more comfortable if I was younger. Although a few years ago I took a pottery class and I was the youngest person out of the 15 person class. I would want to contact the school and find out the ages of the people taking the class. It would be really nice to go and learn the proper way to draw and paint. That too would require me getting over my fear of driving because the closest school is about 10 miles from home and the art schools are usually about 20 miles from home.
I also want to say that my experiment of using this as a form of therapy is working. Not allowing any of my friends or family to know that I am writing on this site is really helping me to work thru a lot of things. I think that being able to write exactly how I am feeling without having to worry about what someone will think or do really makes it easier to express myself. I hardly ever blog on my real site anymore. I enjoy doing this so much that I don't like writing anything for my superficial site, especially when I know I can speak the truth here.
I need to work on making a list of goals that I need to complete by the end of next year. I am going to get a 2008 calendar just for logging my goals. I want to set dates for doing things and I want to track my progress on it too. I am also really going to start tracking my sex life too. I really want to see what I can do wit my life in just one year. I used to be a very independent person, even as a child.
It is very hard for me to be the person that I am today. It is also hard that other people don't see that it is so hard for me to be depending on others so much now days. I hate it and I want to change bak to the old me. If I am going to be in a wheelchair within 3 years like they say I don't want to go out like this. I want to go out standing strong. I think that would be the only way that I will be able to handle the helplessness of being in a wheelchair. At least then I will have known that I could do stuff for myself if otherwise I wasn't disabled.
This reminds me that I am applying for disability. My mother and my brother are both on it. I heard that no matter what they deny you the first time. Luckily, my best friend used to work doing appeals for people. She says that she will help me to appeal if I have to. I think that if anyone was to get approved the first time it would be me. I have so many conditions and symptoms that it took 6 typed pages to tell them about it all. I really hope that I get it because my medical bills are so high that we are in debt because of them. My medical bills total about $400 a month. If we could get support then I wouldn't have to rely on child support to pay for my car each month. We would be able to live like my husband makes the kind of money that he does. We will see what they say about it.
It's getting late. I need to start trying to relax so that I can go to bed before 5 am tonight. I already know it will be after midnight but I hope it's not after 2. I want to start writing a list of things I need to do for Christmas. I have already started a shopping list. I need to look around and see what I can get my husband for Christmas. My back hurts a lot though and I don't know if i can sit up at the computer too much longer tonight. I hope that I sleep in tomorrow. it would be nice to sleep until 1 or something.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Chantix Sabatical
I had been taking Chantix and I was doing pretty good. I was smoking a lot less then I had been. Several days ago I forgot to take my pills that day and I haven't taken the pills for about a week. I am back to smoking a few packs a day again. I guess that means that the pills were helping and I need to go back on them. I had just noticed that my percocet and other pain pills weren't working while I was taking the Chantix. I need my pain pills to work. I don't know what to do.
Since I haven't been sleeping I haven't been willing to take the Chantix. I need to sleep but I still haven't gotten back on the pills because I think that they were effecting my sleep. I need to quit smoking though. It's a hard choice to make.
Since I haven't been sleeping I haven't been willing to take the Chantix. I need to sleep but I still haven't gotten back on the pills because I think that they were effecting my sleep. I need to quit smoking though. It's a hard choice to make.
Sex with my husband or the lack there of
The reason that I have trouble talking to my husband about these things is that I am afraid that I might hurt his feelings with some of the problems I have. It just seems like my husband isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. It used to be several times a day. Then I had my son and ever since then we haven't had sex more often then once a month. I gained some weight because of my thyroid condition, I know that I am not as attractive as I was 8 years ago but I want sex all the time, He doesn't. I don't know if it is me or if it is him.
Sometimes when we have sex he doesn't stay hard. It's like I am not turning him on. That makes me feel awful. I don't feel sexy. All women need to feel wanted by their spouse, I don't. I feel like I am not what he wants anymore. I want my husband to throw me down on the bed and rip my clothes off like he did in the past. We used to have sex everywhere and anywhere. Now we have sex, in the dark,on the bed and only on a non-work night. This can't just be because he is 33. He's not that old. And if he thought that the problem was physical on his part why hasn't he gone to the doctor to see what they could do for him if he really wanted to have sex with me.
Seriously, I don't understand why he can't keep it hard when we are in the middle of having sex. I mean if your kissing and sucking and all of that how can you not be "ready to use"? Just reaching down and finding that turns me off immediately and I just roll over. We don't talk about it though. I wish that we could. I wish that I could talk to him about it. I wish that I could find out from him exactly what is going on in his head when this happens. He just acts like it is all fine.
What am I suppose to do as a person who is borderline nymphomaniac? I want sex all of the time. I masturbate every day. I want sex every single day no matter how much pain I am in from my other conditions. He tries to sometimes blame me for the fact that we don't have sex. He says that my knees and shoulders are bad and he doesn't want to hurt me, no matter how many times I tell him that it doesn't hurt me to have sex. If anything sex makes me feel better for a short while.
A lot of the time he will blame it on the time of the day. We will stay up until 10 or so every night to watch TV shows. Then he will say that the kids are going to wake him at 6 am and he needs to get to bed. But a night like tonight when he is going to go out to a bar to watch a fight and stay out til 1 or 2 am is fine. He will even stay up late to play video games even on a work night but if I ask for sex he will tell me he has to go to bed.
I really don't know how to feel about this whole thing. I don;t know if I should be trying to lose weight and work out or if the problem is something medical with him and I should be sympathetic to him. Or maybe it is all just a part of him getting older and not finding sex appealing anymore.
Sex is very important to me. Sex is my way of showing my husband that I love him, that I find him attractive, that I want to make him feel good. I feel like he should want to have sex with me for the same reasons. If he doesn't want to have sex then I feel like he doesn't feel one or all of those things about me.
What can I do to fix this? No matter how many times I talk to my friend about this situation and how many times I have tried her advice nothing seems to get better. I am going to go back to writing it all on a calendar and after a year I am going to show my husband and see what he has to say after that. This means that I will have to wait at least a year to see any changes. I am also going to keep track of my physical pain so that I know how that is effecting our sex life. I will also keep track of how the sex goes and what all we do and how long it lasts. I think that because he is a rational and logical person he might see why this is such a problem for me.
I guess this is all that I can do right now. Unless anyone else has any advice for me. I am willing to try anything at this point. I don't want to have another Anniversary like our last one. Last year I called ahead to the hotel and I had them spread rose petals all over the room, bed and hot tub. They lit candles for us and even had a nice fruit plate out for us. The first night I had a lot of sex games for us to play and we didn't even have sex. We got tattoos of each others names on our arms the following day and then that night I tried to have sex but it wouldn't get hard. So, I faked getting sick and we came home early. We have only had sex about 5 times since then. That was in February.
I really want a change. I will do what ever I have to do to change things, I need a change. I really need to feel sexy. I really need to feel wanted. I especially need to get sex from my husband because I have had thoughts of looking else where. I don't want to cheat on my husband but I am fantasizing about it now. I love my husband and I would never want to lose him. I could never hut him that way. I just want my sex life to be a little more lively.
Sometimes when we have sex he doesn't stay hard. It's like I am not turning him on. That makes me feel awful. I don't feel sexy. All women need to feel wanted by their spouse, I don't. I feel like I am not what he wants anymore. I want my husband to throw me down on the bed and rip my clothes off like he did in the past. We used to have sex everywhere and anywhere. Now we have sex, in the dark,on the bed and only on a non-work night. This can't just be because he is 33. He's not that old. And if he thought that the problem was physical on his part why hasn't he gone to the doctor to see what they could do for him if he really wanted to have sex with me.
Seriously, I don't understand why he can't keep it hard when we are in the middle of having sex. I mean if your kissing and sucking and all of that how can you not be "ready to use"? Just reaching down and finding that turns me off immediately and I just roll over. We don't talk about it though. I wish that we could. I wish that I could talk to him about it. I wish that I could find out from him exactly what is going on in his head when this happens. He just acts like it is all fine.
What am I suppose to do as a person who is borderline nymphomaniac? I want sex all of the time. I masturbate every day. I want sex every single day no matter how much pain I am in from my other conditions. He tries to sometimes blame me for the fact that we don't have sex. He says that my knees and shoulders are bad and he doesn't want to hurt me, no matter how many times I tell him that it doesn't hurt me to have sex. If anything sex makes me feel better for a short while.
A lot of the time he will blame it on the time of the day. We will stay up until 10 or so every night to watch TV shows. Then he will say that the kids are going to wake him at 6 am and he needs to get to bed. But a night like tonight when he is going to go out to a bar to watch a fight and stay out til 1 or 2 am is fine. He will even stay up late to play video games even on a work night but if I ask for sex he will tell me he has to go to bed.
I really don't know how to feel about this whole thing. I don;t know if I should be trying to lose weight and work out or if the problem is something medical with him and I should be sympathetic to him. Or maybe it is all just a part of him getting older and not finding sex appealing anymore.
Sex is very important to me. Sex is my way of showing my husband that I love him, that I find him attractive, that I want to make him feel good. I feel like he should want to have sex with me for the same reasons. If he doesn't want to have sex then I feel like he doesn't feel one or all of those things about me.
What can I do to fix this? No matter how many times I talk to my friend about this situation and how many times I have tried her advice nothing seems to get better. I am going to go back to writing it all on a calendar and after a year I am going to show my husband and see what he has to say after that. This means that I will have to wait at least a year to see any changes. I am also going to keep track of my physical pain so that I know how that is effecting our sex life. I will also keep track of how the sex goes and what all we do and how long it lasts. I think that because he is a rational and logical person he might see why this is such a problem for me.
I guess this is all that I can do right now. Unless anyone else has any advice for me. I am willing to try anything at this point. I don't want to have another Anniversary like our last one. Last year I called ahead to the hotel and I had them spread rose petals all over the room, bed and hot tub. They lit candles for us and even had a nice fruit plate out for us. The first night I had a lot of sex games for us to play and we didn't even have sex. We got tattoos of each others names on our arms the following day and then that night I tried to have sex but it wouldn't get hard. So, I faked getting sick and we came home early. We have only had sex about 5 times since then. That was in February.
I really want a change. I will do what ever I have to do to change things, I need a change. I really need to feel sexy. I really need to feel wanted. I especially need to get sex from my husband because I have had thoughts of looking else where. I don't want to cheat on my husband but I am fantasizing about it now. I love my husband and I would never want to lose him. I could never hut him that way. I just want my sex life to be a little more lively.
My Husband is on a date with my best friend
Yeah, that is what I said. My best friend and my husband are at Hooters right now watching a UFC fight. I am pretty comfortable with the whole thing. I know that they would never hurt me and I trust the both of them with my life and the life of my children, so I am pretty sure I can trust them alone together.
I have to admit that I feel a little upset. I was invited to go with them of course but I have no interest in UFC fighting. I get jealous about the fact that they have a lot to talk about together. They have something in common. They have something to laugh with each other about. I don't have that with my husband much anymore. It makes me wish that I could find this stuff interesting. I mean every Sunday my husband goes into his TV room and spends the whole day watching all of the fight shows he has Tivoed during the week. I spend that time being lonely and wanting to talk to him, cuddle with him, lay with him and all of that stuff.
I feel like I need something more from my husband then what I am getting. I need more conversation. I need more emotional support. I need more sex then once every few months. I feel so lonely even with him sitting right beside me. Sometimes I feel like I would rather him be gone then to have to sit and think about how we aren't talking even though we have been in front of the TV all day.
I don't know if I can blame him though. I don't do anything. I don't leave the house. I have nothing to talk to him about. When he talks to me about work I am just bored because it's the same stuff every day.
We don't talk about feelings. We don't talk about deep things. Whenever I start to talk about my feelings I am put under a microscope. If I am feeling depressed he will blame it on my period or lack of. I feel like this is making me feel emotionless. I don't want to talk, I don't want to tell him that I am feeling like I am alone even with his arm around me. I feel Like he wants me to be depressed so that I constantly question my own thoughts as to whether they are real or just part of a chemical imbalance.
I take my pills every day so that he can't blame my feelings on the lack of medication. Do you know what it is like to not be able to feel? To question your own reality? It makes you insane. It makes you hurt even more. I find myself turning to my best friend more and more. She doesn't question me. She listens to me and she gives me advice.
I recently started telling my best friend that I love her. While I am bisexual, I don't think of her that way. I do find her attractive and a strong woman, she just isn't my type. But I feel very close to her. I feel closer to her then my own family. I think of her as a sister more then anything else.
It really makes me happy to know that I can call someone any time day or night if I need her. Sometimes I feel like she is more available to me then my own husband. I know that I can talk to her about more things then I can talk to my own husband about. I can talk to her about my problems with my sex life (that might upset my husband) and I can't even talk to my husband about sex, except in a joking way. I can't tell him about my concerns about the fact that we don't have sex more often or the problems that we have when having sex.
I have to admit that I feel a little upset. I was invited to go with them of course but I have no interest in UFC fighting. I get jealous about the fact that they have a lot to talk about together. They have something in common. They have something to laugh with each other about. I don't have that with my husband much anymore. It makes me wish that I could find this stuff interesting. I mean every Sunday my husband goes into his TV room and spends the whole day watching all of the fight shows he has Tivoed during the week. I spend that time being lonely and wanting to talk to him, cuddle with him, lay with him and all of that stuff.
I feel like I need something more from my husband then what I am getting. I need more conversation. I need more emotional support. I need more sex then once every few months. I feel so lonely even with him sitting right beside me. Sometimes I feel like I would rather him be gone then to have to sit and think about how we aren't talking even though we have been in front of the TV all day.
I don't know if I can blame him though. I don't do anything. I don't leave the house. I have nothing to talk to him about. When he talks to me about work I am just bored because it's the same stuff every day.
We don't talk about feelings. We don't talk about deep things. Whenever I start to talk about my feelings I am put under a microscope. If I am feeling depressed he will blame it on my period or lack of. I feel like this is making me feel emotionless. I don't want to talk, I don't want to tell him that I am feeling like I am alone even with his arm around me. I feel Like he wants me to be depressed so that I constantly question my own thoughts as to whether they are real or just part of a chemical imbalance.
I take my pills every day so that he can't blame my feelings on the lack of medication. Do you know what it is like to not be able to feel? To question your own reality? It makes you insane. It makes you hurt even more. I find myself turning to my best friend more and more. She doesn't question me. She listens to me and she gives me advice.
I recently started telling my best friend that I love her. While I am bisexual, I don't think of her that way. I do find her attractive and a strong woman, she just isn't my type. But I feel very close to her. I feel closer to her then my own family. I think of her as a sister more then anything else.
It really makes me happy to know that I can call someone any time day or night if I need her. Sometimes I feel like she is more available to me then my own husband. I know that I can talk to her about more things then I can talk to my own husband about. I can talk to her about my problems with my sex life (that might upset my husband) and I can't even talk to my husband about sex, except in a joking way. I can't tell him about my concerns about the fact that we don't have sex more often or the problems that we have when having sex.
Filling For SSI in Maryland
Yesterday I finished all of the paperwork to apply to get disability. I had been coming up with reasons not to file for a pretty long time. I am going to go ahead and assume that they are going to deny m the first time that I apply. I hear that is what thy do to most people. Luckily I have a best friend that use to work filing appeals for this kind of thing so I am not really worried about that.
Also, it's not like I have anything to lose by doing this. It took me about a week to write up all of the information I wanted them to know (which means it gave me something to do for a week, and it would really help if I do get it. Then I would at least feel like I am contributing to the household and also it will help reduce the monthly medication and co-pays each month. it would be nice to be able to keep appointments and have the money for my medications when I need them.
I am also not going to get my hopes up that I am going to get help because I "don't have enough work credits to receive benefits" I am not sure what that means but I know that I haven't been able to work at all for the last 8 years. That should count for something. It should show that I haven't been able to work in such a long time and with all of my medical records they should be able to see that I am unable to work with the combination of all of my symptoms.
I have to admit that I am getting a little stressed about the idea of having to go in and talk to them. I have a major memory problem and I wouldn't be able to remember all of my symptoms and diagnoses without having them written down. But I put in the papers that I have a serious memory problem so they should understand. And my best friend will be there to help me, hopefully she will be there with me, I don't know if I could do it without her.
So, wish me luck and I hope that I am able to post more about how SSI works and how to apply here in MD. I will put the links up on the sidebar eventually to help those who need it.
Also, it's not like I have anything to lose by doing this. It took me about a week to write up all of the information I wanted them to know (which means it gave me something to do for a week, and it would really help if I do get it. Then I would at least feel like I am contributing to the household and also it will help reduce the monthly medication and co-pays each month. it would be nice to be able to keep appointments and have the money for my medications when I need them.
I am also not going to get my hopes up that I am going to get help because I "don't have enough work credits to receive benefits" I am not sure what that means but I know that I haven't been able to work at all for the last 8 years. That should count for something. It should show that I haven't been able to work in such a long time and with all of my medical records they should be able to see that I am unable to work with the combination of all of my symptoms.
I have to admit that I am getting a little stressed about the idea of having to go in and talk to them. I have a major memory problem and I wouldn't be able to remember all of my symptoms and diagnoses without having them written down. But I put in the papers that I have a serious memory problem so they should understand. And my best friend will be there to help me, hopefully she will be there with me, I don't know if I could do it without her.
So, wish me luck and I hope that I am able to post more about how SSI works and how to apply here in MD. I will put the links up on the sidebar eventually to help those who need it.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Shocking News
On Friday afternoon I got some very shocking news about my 12 year old daughter. Her principal called me around 4 PM and told me that she had been cutting herself because she is worried about how sick I am and because of things that are happening at her father's and with friends at school.
I know that she has been having trouble but she is a very quiet girl and she doesn't like to talk to me about much. She talks to her friends a lot but I can't get much out of her. I have been trying to talk to her each day after school but she doesn't talk about her dad's or school to me. I feel like she has 3 lives. I don't know how to get thru to her.
When I got this news I was a wreck. I didn't know what to do. I asked her to come and talk to me as soon as she got home from school. She didn't say much other then she had cut herself with a broken mirror. She has a small scar on her wrist where she did this. She said that she did it because she was upset about life.
I am worried because bi-polar runs in my family along with other mental problems and I am worried that she is starting to become affected by something more then typical teenage angst. I need to get thru to her. I need to get her to open up. At the same time I think that I need to get her in to see a shrink.
My husband and I are on different sides of this situation. When I told him what she had done she just said that she is trying to do something that she thinks is cool. I was really pissed at him for saying this. I have to say that this is the first time that I have felt that he has separate standards for my daughter and our son. I really think that if our son was doing this he would be the first person on the phone to find him a doctor.
I also felt really bad because my best friend ran over here to talk to me because I was so upset about my daughter. Then my husband came home and he started saying these things in front of her. She emailed me later and said that she felt really uncomfortable about being in the middle of our fight. I just ended it with him so that she wouldn't have to be in the middle for long.
Sadly, my husband and I haven't talked about it at all since Friday afternoon. I just didn't want to argue again. I am taking it into my own hands to get her a shrink and getting her to talk to someone about what is going on in her life that is making her do this.
When I talked to her I didn't tell her that I had this problem myself until about 2 years ago. I used it as a way to control my own pain. It was something that I could do to make the pain go away, sounds absurd but it's true. The only thing that stopped me was my husband. I don't even know exactly what made me stop. I know why it started though. It was because of the sexual abuse I was going thru as a teen. I am really hoping that it isn't anything that serious for her. But I imagine that it has to be something that is hard to deal with. Just because I know what it feels like to hurt yourself. It has to be done to cover up the other pain.
I would love to hear from other people who have been in this situation either as themselves or with their child. I never thought that I would have to deal with this from my daughter but it has happened and I can use all of the advice that I can get.
I know that she has been having trouble but she is a very quiet girl and she doesn't like to talk to me about much. She talks to her friends a lot but I can't get much out of her. I have been trying to talk to her each day after school but she doesn't talk about her dad's or school to me. I feel like she has 3 lives. I don't know how to get thru to her.
When I got this news I was a wreck. I didn't know what to do. I asked her to come and talk to me as soon as she got home from school. She didn't say much other then she had cut herself with a broken mirror. She has a small scar on her wrist where she did this. She said that she did it because she was upset about life.
I am worried because bi-polar runs in my family along with other mental problems and I am worried that she is starting to become affected by something more then typical teenage angst. I need to get thru to her. I need to get her to open up. At the same time I think that I need to get her in to see a shrink.
My husband and I are on different sides of this situation. When I told him what she had done she just said that she is trying to do something that she thinks is cool. I was really pissed at him for saying this. I have to say that this is the first time that I have felt that he has separate standards for my daughter and our son. I really think that if our son was doing this he would be the first person on the phone to find him a doctor.
I also felt really bad because my best friend ran over here to talk to me because I was so upset about my daughter. Then my husband came home and he started saying these things in front of her. She emailed me later and said that she felt really uncomfortable about being in the middle of our fight. I just ended it with him so that she wouldn't have to be in the middle for long.
Sadly, my husband and I haven't talked about it at all since Friday afternoon. I just didn't want to argue again. I am taking it into my own hands to get her a shrink and getting her to talk to someone about what is going on in her life that is making her do this.
When I talked to her I didn't tell her that I had this problem myself until about 2 years ago. I used it as a way to control my own pain. It was something that I could do to make the pain go away, sounds absurd but it's true. The only thing that stopped me was my husband. I don't even know exactly what made me stop. I know why it started though. It was because of the sexual abuse I was going thru as a teen. I am really hoping that it isn't anything that serious for her. But I imagine that it has to be something that is hard to deal with. Just because I know what it feels like to hurt yourself. It has to be done to cover up the other pain.
I would love to hear from other people who have been in this situation either as themselves or with their child. I never thought that I would have to deal with this from my daughter but it has happened and I can use all of the advice that I can get.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Food Poisoning
I have been sick for the last 2 days, 3 really. I have been waking up at 3 am every morning to throw-up. I don't like feeling like this. Can't sit up anymore.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Long Day
Today is such a long day. I was awoken by my sons school calling this morning. It was about 8:30 am and I normally don't get up until about 11 am. The thing that pissed me off the most was that they didn't call because he did something wrong it was because he had forgotten his glasses. I don't need to be woken up for that. Do I? Really?
So, Already in a bad mood I get a message from one of my brother's exes (ex #2), she was saying that she was told that my brother was back in town. I had to call her to tell her that it was not possible because she was so upset and nervous. I ended up talking to her for about 3 hours.
I really like her as a friend but I always get uncomfortable talking to her about the child abuse we both went thru as little girls. She is a really nice girl and we have a lot in common. Every time we talk it is for hours at a time. I feel really bad about what my brother did to her. He just up and left her and her daughter without even saying he wasn't going back to OK after he visited me in MD. I started calling her after he left just to let her know that I didn't approve of what he did. We get along and I can really use the friends.
BTW, my brother's other ex, ex #1, posted on his new girlfriends MySpace account that he has plans to come and see her this Christmas and has been talking to her on the phone. I almost don't believe it because she is so crazy. Except that I know that my brother has plans to come down and see me for Christmas and I told him his new girl wasn't invited. He told me at that point that he was planning on bringing her back to MD and leaving her here then. He hasn't told her that yet though. I really don't see what chicks see in him.
I have so much that I could be doing today, I just don't feel like doing any of it. I guess I have been getting lazy over the years. My husband does so much for me that I think he has made me spoiled. I actually made myself and my best friend matching shirts that say "Spoiled Bitch" on them. I can't wear mine often because of the kids, but I like having it.
So, Already in a bad mood I get a message from one of my brother's exes (ex #2), she was saying that she was told that my brother was back in town. I had to call her to tell her that it was not possible because she was so upset and nervous. I ended up talking to her for about 3 hours.
I really like her as a friend but I always get uncomfortable talking to her about the child abuse we both went thru as little girls. She is a really nice girl and we have a lot in common. Every time we talk it is for hours at a time. I feel really bad about what my brother did to her. He just up and left her and her daughter without even saying he wasn't going back to OK after he visited me in MD. I started calling her after he left just to let her know that I didn't approve of what he did. We get along and I can really use the friends.
BTW, my brother's other ex, ex #1, posted on his new girlfriends MySpace account that he has plans to come and see her this Christmas and has been talking to her on the phone. I almost don't believe it because she is so crazy. Except that I know that my brother has plans to come down and see me for Christmas and I told him his new girl wasn't invited. He told me at that point that he was planning on bringing her back to MD and leaving her here then. He hasn't told her that yet though. I really don't see what chicks see in him.
I have so much that I could be doing today, I just don't feel like doing any of it. I guess I have been getting lazy over the years. My husband does so much for me that I think he has made me spoiled. I actually made myself and my best friend matching shirts that say "Spoiled Bitch" on them. I can't wear mine often because of the kids, but I like having it.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Today's News
Today has been one of those days. I think that I am getting addicted to the Percocet that I have been on for the last 2 years. I think I have been addicted to it longer then just today. I didn't take any this morning and I was feeling sick, feverish, clammy, hot and cold, and sick to my stomach. I couldn't move out of bed for about 4 hours. I wasn't able to stand up for very long either.
I don't know what I should do about the pills though. I really need them to make it thru the day. The pain that I feel is pretty bad. If I don't take the pills then I don't know what I would do. Right now, my choices are stay in bed because I am doped up on pills, or stay in bed because I am in too much pain. What would you choose?
Once I started to feel better (which was because I took some Percocet I think), I got a call from the police saying that they had just gotten a call from my 7 year old who was asking for an ambulance. They wanted to know if everything was alright and I had to tell them that he has Autism and had just gone to a Fire Department show the day before. Now I am fearful of leaving a phone anywhere that he can reach because he will continue to call 911 when ever he is alone in a room. He actually said "Did I make a prank call?", He was so happy about what he did. Then my husband couldn't stop laughing.
I am really not sleeping well on top of this stuff. I have been having a terrible dream every night about someone breaking into my house. I used to have this dream years ago, which made me OCD about locking the door every night. I am really hoping that I don't get like that again.
About the quitting smoking, It's day 9. I haven't quit smoking yet. I am not smoking as much and I have made a rule that if I am posting I won't smoke while I do it. I have cut back in other ways too. Shit, writing about it is making me want to smoke. I guess I better hurry up. I don't know if it isn't working because I haven't quit smoking all together. I did get down to only 4 smokes before I had to go buy more. I wasn't as nervous about it. However, I can't seem to just put them down. Hopefully I will learn to put more time between cigarettes and eventually quit completely.
I don't know what I should do about the pills though. I really need them to make it thru the day. The pain that I feel is pretty bad. If I don't take the pills then I don't know what I would do. Right now, my choices are stay in bed because I am doped up on pills, or stay in bed because I am in too much pain. What would you choose?
Once I started to feel better (which was because I took some Percocet I think), I got a call from the police saying that they had just gotten a call from my 7 year old who was asking for an ambulance. They wanted to know if everything was alright and I had to tell them that he has Autism and had just gone to a Fire Department show the day before. Now I am fearful of leaving a phone anywhere that he can reach because he will continue to call 911 when ever he is alone in a room. He actually said "Did I make a prank call?", He was so happy about what he did. Then my husband couldn't stop laughing.
I am really not sleeping well on top of this stuff. I have been having a terrible dream every night about someone breaking into my house. I used to have this dream years ago, which made me OCD about locking the door every night. I am really hoping that I don't get like that again.
About the quitting smoking, It's day 9. I haven't quit smoking yet. I am not smoking as much and I have made a rule that if I am posting I won't smoke while I do it. I have cut back in other ways too. Shit, writing about it is making me want to smoke. I guess I better hurry up. I don't know if it isn't working because I haven't quit smoking all together. I did get down to only 4 smokes before I had to go buy more. I wasn't as nervous about it. However, I can't seem to just put them down. Hopefully I will learn to put more time between cigarettes and eventually quit completely.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Clearing Things Up/Day 8 of Chantix
So, I went to the doctor the other day and she says that I have nothing to worry about with the colon, but she is going to do an endoscope and a colonoscopy at the same time on the 11th of October. The last time that I went in for a routine endoscope they found a fungus growing in the back of my throat. So, why shouldn't I be worried this time?
Today is suppose to be my quit day. I am suppose to throw away all of my cigarettes and ashtrays and just give up. I am smoking while I type this. If Chantix is this miracle drug why can't I quit? I guess that I really haven't tried too hard. I assumed that it would make me just not want to smoke anymore and I would stop. I think that what I am going to do is not to get anymore smokes. I think that I have 2 packs left and I am going to smoke them today and then just try to go without. If I really need a cigarette that bad then I will go and buy the nicotine free ones. I don't want to have anymore smokes in the house for a while though.
My husband quit 2 days ago. He is doing really well. I know that he is doing it for me and that makes me happy and sad. I am happy that he wants to be there for me and doesn't want to smoke in front of me but at the same time, if I don't quit then he will start again and that will be my fault. I can't really tell him any of that though because I don't really want him to start again. It would be hard as hell for me to quit if he is still smoking.
It is very early this morning. I woke up at 4:30 am. I normally sleep in until about 9 or 10, especially on the weekends. I don't know what woke me up this morning but it's keeping me awake. I guess I will be going to bed early tonight. Which is good if I am going to be trying to quit smoking. It means that I have a chance at taking a nap today and going to bed early. Meaning less time in the day to smoke, think about smoking or having the energy to drive to the store to get more smokes when I run out. I could always ask my hubby to do it but that wouldn't be fair since he is trying to quit.
I really don't know what is better: trying to hurry up and smoke my last 2 packs today or just trying not to smoke today and have smokes laying around for days and just dragging this thing out for days. I have heard arguments for both sides and they both have valid reasons. I think for me personally get the cigarettes out of the house as soon as possible is the best thing for me to do because, this weekend I have support, getting rid of them sooner means that I can't give up before they are gone and get another carton and I can make a new start sooner then waiting another couple of days.
My husband took the cold turkey method. Well, he smoked a pack of cigarettes over the course of a week then went to nicotine free smokes that taste terrible for the last few days and now he is done. I feel guilty smoking in font of him because I know he really wants to smoke. I feel like if it wasn't for me he would still be smoking or better yet would still be quit from the year before last when we were suppose to quit together and I chickened out on him. He went a whole year without smoking and one day my smoking got to him and he started up again. I can't do that to him again. At the same time, I have to quit for myself or I won't stay quit. The longest that I have gone without nicotine is 3 weeks, maybe a little more. Still, that isn't very long. I know that once I quit I won't to have ruined it by starting smoking again.
That is the great thing about Chantix, you don't waste patches because you have to take them off to have a smoke. With Chantix, you just have a smoke and it's suppose to do nothing for you so you don't have another. I am hoping that with a higher dose this morning that I will be feeling that feeling soon. Right now I am still enjoying my smokes. I really enjoy the inhaling of the cigarette. That is going to be hard to loose.
I really think that my physical addiction is stronger then my chemical addiction. I have bought a lot of hard candy and snacks but nothing can take the place of the hot air flowing thru my lungs. If you have never smoked you will have no idea of what I am taking bout and if your a smoker you know exactly what I am talking about.
Going to spend some time on Pogo today and maybe head out and do some stuff with the hubby and my son. I just need to relax today and enjoy the day, it's my last day to smoke.
Today is suppose to be my quit day. I am suppose to throw away all of my cigarettes and ashtrays and just give up. I am smoking while I type this. If Chantix is this miracle drug why can't I quit? I guess that I really haven't tried too hard. I assumed that it would make me just not want to smoke anymore and I would stop. I think that what I am going to do is not to get anymore smokes. I think that I have 2 packs left and I am going to smoke them today and then just try to go without. If I really need a cigarette that bad then I will go and buy the nicotine free ones. I don't want to have anymore smokes in the house for a while though.
My husband quit 2 days ago. He is doing really well. I know that he is doing it for me and that makes me happy and sad. I am happy that he wants to be there for me and doesn't want to smoke in front of me but at the same time, if I don't quit then he will start again and that will be my fault. I can't really tell him any of that though because I don't really want him to start again. It would be hard as hell for me to quit if he is still smoking.
It is very early this morning. I woke up at 4:30 am. I normally sleep in until about 9 or 10, especially on the weekends. I don't know what woke me up this morning but it's keeping me awake. I guess I will be going to bed early tonight. Which is good if I am going to be trying to quit smoking. It means that I have a chance at taking a nap today and going to bed early. Meaning less time in the day to smoke, think about smoking or having the energy to drive to the store to get more smokes when I run out. I could always ask my hubby to do it but that wouldn't be fair since he is trying to quit.
I really don't know what is better: trying to hurry up and smoke my last 2 packs today or just trying not to smoke today and have smokes laying around for days and just dragging this thing out for days. I have heard arguments for both sides and they both have valid reasons. I think for me personally get the cigarettes out of the house as soon as possible is the best thing for me to do because, this weekend I have support, getting rid of them sooner means that I can't give up before they are gone and get another carton and I can make a new start sooner then waiting another couple of days.
My husband took the cold turkey method. Well, he smoked a pack of cigarettes over the course of a week then went to nicotine free smokes that taste terrible for the last few days and now he is done. I feel guilty smoking in font of him because I know he really wants to smoke. I feel like if it wasn't for me he would still be smoking or better yet would still be quit from the year before last when we were suppose to quit together and I chickened out on him. He went a whole year without smoking and one day my smoking got to him and he started up again. I can't do that to him again. At the same time, I have to quit for myself or I won't stay quit. The longest that I have gone without nicotine is 3 weeks, maybe a little more. Still, that isn't very long. I know that once I quit I won't to have ruined it by starting smoking again.
That is the great thing about Chantix, you don't waste patches because you have to take them off to have a smoke. With Chantix, you just have a smoke and it's suppose to do nothing for you so you don't have another. I am hoping that with a higher dose this morning that I will be feeling that feeling soon. Right now I am still enjoying my smokes. I really enjoy the inhaling of the cigarette. That is going to be hard to loose.
I really think that my physical addiction is stronger then my chemical addiction. I have bought a lot of hard candy and snacks but nothing can take the place of the hot air flowing thru my lungs. If you have never smoked you will have no idea of what I am taking bout and if your a smoker you know exactly what I am talking about.
Going to spend some time on Pogo today and maybe head out and do some stuff with the hubby and my son. I just need to relax today and enjoy the day, it's my last day to smoke.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
More Health Problems
Yesterday I finally got a call from my primary care doctor telling me that the results of my blood test are that I have high blood sugar, my cholesterol is 350 when it should be below 150. The results of the CT Scan were that I have a large Cyst on my ovary and I have "Inflammation of the lining of my colon".
I looked up on the net about the colon thing and it looks like it is a type of ulcer. The doctor told me that I needed to see a surgeon about that. I am very nervous about this and I don't know what to do. I am going to see a doctor about the colon today. It was suppose to be an appointment to have a colonoscopy but I don't know if I still need to have that done since I had the CT Scan.
I also have to go on a diet. Not the kind of diet where you lose weight but the kind of diet where you lower your cholesterol. My doctor is suppose to send me a menu of sorts that explains what I should be eating. I am going to have lobster with butter for the last time tonight. I really love lobster but I can't eat it until I get my diet and cholesterol back in order. That could be a while.
I am really going to miss a lot of my favorite foods. I have to say that most of the food that I eat is starches or fried food. I love mashed potatoes, pasta, bacon, and all that good stuff. Now, I have to eat lots of fruits and veggies. I also have to cut back on the butter. I love butter. But I need to do this for my health.
The good news here is that I was already on a path to better my health. I was already trying to quit smoking. The only problem is that I am trying to quit smoking. This is going to be very hard to try and quit smoking while trying to better my health in all of these other ways and knowing that I have all of these other health problems now.
I have had so many health problems, I don't know why these few things are making it so much harder to deal with. It's just so hard. I already have a fear of death and the more illnesses that I get the closer to death I feel I am. It's a terrible feeling. I am really hoping that after I see the doctor today I will be able to feel a little bit better about the whole thing.
My best friend is very concerned and that makes me feel good. My husband however doesn't seem to be concerned at all and that makes me feel bad. I don't know why my husband is so unemotional especially when I need him to be. He just says things like "We don't know what any of this means so there is no reason to worry". That's the whole reason to worry, I don't know what it means. I really like having a friend that is so thoughtful. We have our problems sometimes but I know that I love her to death and I will always forgive her no matter what happens.
So, needless to say I am very worried today. I don't know what is going to happen over the next few weeks and what all of this means anyway. I really need to get in and see my doctors as soon as possible. After I see all of the doctors I will know more and maybe then I will feel more settled. At the same time I may find out that there is more to worry about then I think right now.
Well, I am going to go and get ready for my appointment today. My husband is actually going to take off of work early to take me to this appointment. I am really happy that he is going to be there with me. I would have hated to go to this alone. Plus, I have a really hard time remembering what they tell me at appointments. he is pretty good at asking questions and things like that, plus it mean I won't be alone if they give me bad news. I also have to schedule a surgery and I will need him to be there to know what time is good for him to take me. I am glad I am not going alone.
After the appointment I am going to be going shopping and I will try to post more about this after I get home. It is very therapeutic to post about what is going on in my life. It doesn't exactly make me feel better but it makes me be rational about what is going on. If you are having a lot of stressful stuff in your life I suggest creating a secret website and posting all the things that are going on in your life. The reason to do it secretly is because it will give you total freedom to say everything that is going on in your life. You don't have to worry about what you say because no one you know will read it. It allows me to talk about my friends and family without worry. I can be honest and release some of my stress. Try it, I promise you will feel better after just a few days.
I looked up on the net about the colon thing and it looks like it is a type of ulcer. The doctor told me that I needed to see a surgeon about that. I am very nervous about this and I don't know what to do. I am going to see a doctor about the colon today. It was suppose to be an appointment to have a colonoscopy but I don't know if I still need to have that done since I had the CT Scan.
I also have to go on a diet. Not the kind of diet where you lose weight but the kind of diet where you lower your cholesterol. My doctor is suppose to send me a menu of sorts that explains what I should be eating. I am going to have lobster with butter for the last time tonight. I really love lobster but I can't eat it until I get my diet and cholesterol back in order. That could be a while.
I am really going to miss a lot of my favorite foods. I have to say that most of the food that I eat is starches or fried food. I love mashed potatoes, pasta, bacon, and all that good stuff. Now, I have to eat lots of fruits and veggies. I also have to cut back on the butter. I love butter. But I need to do this for my health.
The good news here is that I was already on a path to better my health. I was already trying to quit smoking. The only problem is that I am trying to quit smoking. This is going to be very hard to try and quit smoking while trying to better my health in all of these other ways and knowing that I have all of these other health problems now.
I have had so many health problems, I don't know why these few things are making it so much harder to deal with. It's just so hard. I already have a fear of death and the more illnesses that I get the closer to death I feel I am. It's a terrible feeling. I am really hoping that after I see the doctor today I will be able to feel a little bit better about the whole thing.
My best friend is very concerned and that makes me feel good. My husband however doesn't seem to be concerned at all and that makes me feel bad. I don't know why my husband is so unemotional especially when I need him to be. He just says things like "We don't know what any of this means so there is no reason to worry". That's the whole reason to worry, I don't know what it means. I really like having a friend that is so thoughtful. We have our problems sometimes but I know that I love her to death and I will always forgive her no matter what happens.
So, needless to say I am very worried today. I don't know what is going to happen over the next few weeks and what all of this means anyway. I really need to get in and see my doctors as soon as possible. After I see all of the doctors I will know more and maybe then I will feel more settled. At the same time I may find out that there is more to worry about then I think right now.
Well, I am going to go and get ready for my appointment today. My husband is actually going to take off of work early to take me to this appointment. I am really happy that he is going to be there with me. I would have hated to go to this alone. Plus, I have a really hard time remembering what they tell me at appointments. he is pretty good at asking questions and things like that, plus it mean I won't be alone if they give me bad news. I also have to schedule a surgery and I will need him to be there to know what time is good for him to take me. I am glad I am not going alone.
After the appointment I am going to be going shopping and I will try to post more about this after I get home. It is very therapeutic to post about what is going on in my life. It doesn't exactly make me feel better but it makes me be rational about what is going on. If you are having a lot of stressful stuff in your life I suggest creating a secret website and posting all the things that are going on in your life. The reason to do it secretly is because it will give you total freedom to say everything that is going on in your life. You don't have to worry about what you say because no one you know will read it. It allows me to talk about my friends and family without worry. I can be honest and release some of my stress. Try it, I promise you will feel better after just a few days.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Trying to Sleep
It is pretty late. I feel like my body in on a different schedule then my brain. I really hate this feeling, but I have been dealing with this ever since I was about 14. It's like in Fight Club when he says "When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake." It is a miserable feeling.
I have been on pills for years that are suppose to help me to sleep, they only work for about a week to a month and then I have to take something new. I wish that they had a pill that actually worked for me and that my shrink would give it to me. Right now she wants me to see a therapist once a week and that is suppose to help me sleep.
Now I am going to lay down and watch TV. This is my normal ritual and then eventually I cant keep my eyes closed and then I turn off the TV and go to bed. Hopefully I will be asleep before 1 tonight.
I have been on pills for years that are suppose to help me to sleep, they only work for about a week to a month and then I have to take something new. I wish that they had a pill that actually worked for me and that my shrink would give it to me. Right now she wants me to see a therapist once a week and that is suppose to help me sleep.
Now I am going to lay down and watch TV. This is my normal ritual and then eventually I cant keep my eyes closed and then I turn off the TV and go to bed. Hopefully I will be asleep before 1 tonight.
Trying To Be Myself
This is really hard for me right now. I don't know what is going on in my brain or why it is happening. I can't seem to think rationally anymore. It's really unfair. I am hoping that with all of the tests that I have had done in the last week that they will figure out what the problem is.
Tomorrow I have to go in for a pelvic exam. I haven't gotten my period for 105 days. I know for a fact that I am not pregnant. I have had cysts and cancer cells in the past so this has me very worried. Another possibility is that I am going thru early menopause because my mother and my aunt both went thru menopause in their early 30's, so it could be hereditary.
The blood test that I had last week should tell them what I have. My white blood cell count is also really high, has been for over a year. It's so high that they did an HIV test on me a few months ago. It came back negative, just so you know.
I am so nervous about what it could all mean. My doctor actually made the comment of "Once we figure this out we are going to name this after you". This is not something that makes you feel very good. Also, at my last visit I looked at my file and it is literally about 4 inches thick, this is for only about 5 years of seeing her. I made a comment about how big it was and that I had the biggest file in the office and she said for my age it is the biggest one. That is kind of scary.
I am trying to apply for disability now. I haven't been able to work for 8 years. I have so amny medical conditions that I really couldn't work if I wanted to. I am either in too much pain or I am depressed or sick from the Lupus. I have heard that the first application is denied but that if you keep trying they will eventually accept you. The other thing working against me is that I don't have enough "work credits". I don't really know what that means but I am going to try anyway. If anyone has any helpful hints please let me know. I really need the help to pay for my medications and all of that stuff. I spend about $400 a month (just in co-pays) for ll of my medical stuff. That's a lot of money.
Tomorrow I have to go in for a pelvic exam. I haven't gotten my period for 105 days. I know for a fact that I am not pregnant. I have had cysts and cancer cells in the past so this has me very worried. Another possibility is that I am going thru early menopause because my mother and my aunt both went thru menopause in their early 30's, so it could be hereditary.
The blood test that I had last week should tell them what I have. My white blood cell count is also really high, has been for over a year. It's so high that they did an HIV test on me a few months ago. It came back negative, just so you know.
I am so nervous about what it could all mean. My doctor actually made the comment of "Once we figure this out we are going to name this after you". This is not something that makes you feel very good. Also, at my last visit I looked at my file and it is literally about 4 inches thick, this is for only about 5 years of seeing her. I made a comment about how big it was and that I had the biggest file in the office and she said for my age it is the biggest one. That is kind of scary.
I am trying to apply for disability now. I haven't been able to work for 8 years. I have so amny medical conditions that I really couldn't work if I wanted to. I am either in too much pain or I am depressed or sick from the Lupus. I have heard that the first application is denied but that if you keep trying they will eventually accept you. The other thing working against me is that I don't have enough "work credits". I don't really know what that means but I am going to try anyway. If anyone has any helpful hints please let me know. I really need the help to pay for my medications and all of that stuff. I spend about $400 a month (just in co-pays) for ll of my medical stuff. That's a lot of money.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Dealing with Feelings
I am having so much trouble right now. With my emotions being so weird and my body acting crazy I don't know what to do with myself. I am also trying to quit smoking, that is going okay, but I am still smoking. My actual quit day is Saturday. I don't know if that will be the last day I will actually smoke my last cigarette but I am going to try to make it my last day.
One other thing is that with Chantix I don't actually have to smoke my last cigarette that day. I can smoke until the Chantix makes the cigarettes not make me feel good anymore. I am also going to start trying to change my habits as much as possible so that I can get used to not smoking every 5 minutes. Okay, that a little exaggerated but I do smoke about 2-3 packs of cigarettes a day.
I am going to try to get a hobby that uses both hands like knitting. I am going to start leaving my smokes home when I am only going to be out of the house for a couple of hours. Doing things like not smoking right after I eat is going to be hard but if I can get past that I should be able to avoid a lot of other things that make me smoke.
I'll write more tomorrow, maybe I will have good news about my habits when write then.
One other thing is that with Chantix I don't actually have to smoke my last cigarette that day. I can smoke until the Chantix makes the cigarettes not make me feel good anymore. I am also going to start trying to change my habits as much as possible so that I can get used to not smoking every 5 minutes. Okay, that a little exaggerated but I do smoke about 2-3 packs of cigarettes a day.
I am going to try to get a hobby that uses both hands like knitting. I am going to start leaving my smokes home when I am only going to be out of the house for a couple of hours. Doing things like not smoking right after I eat is going to be hard but if I can get past that I should be able to avoid a lot of other things that make me smoke.
I'll write more tomorrow, maybe I will have good news about my habits when write then.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
My Outlet
I have been dealing with a lot of very difficult feelings. I have been trying to use this place as a way to deal with my life. Today I came to the realization that I am having feelings and thoughts that I don't really want to have. For instance, I am pissed at my husband because instead of spending time with me, when I thought I needed him, he went over into his room and watched a fight on TV.
Right now he is watching another MMA fight with my best friend and I am having thoughts like she likes him more then me and that he secretly finds her attractive. They are laughing and having fun together and I am sitting on my bed watching reruns of TV shows that I don't really like. There is nothing stopping me from going over and watching the show with them, but I have no interest in MMA. So, it would be very boring for me to do. Instead, I sit here pissed off. I still have another hour of this.
I don't know how to deal with the way that my brain is working right now. The doctor is making the assumption that I am going thru menopause early. It runs in my family. If that is the case then I can expect to be feeling like this for awhile.
I know that I really need to go to bed now. I feel like I really need to just sleep until all of this passes but I don't think that is going to be possible. I am also going to think about checking out over the counter estrogen medications. I have the side effects for menopause, so it is very likely. Missing my period for this long is also a serious thing. Luckily, I know that I am not pregnant. I don't want to give birth to anymore kids. I really would like to have a little baby around the house.
Wait maybe the cause of my recent want of another baby is also a side effect of menopause. your body is suppose to know when you can and can't get pregnant. I don't know for sure. I am just throwing out guesses right now. I really hate not knowing what is wrong with me. And I have been dealing with this for about years. They have been doing test after test and they haven't found one conclusive thing. They have found smaller things but nothing that answers all of the questions.
Right now he is watching another MMA fight with my best friend and I am having thoughts like she likes him more then me and that he secretly finds her attractive. They are laughing and having fun together and I am sitting on my bed watching reruns of TV shows that I don't really like. There is nothing stopping me from going over and watching the show with them, but I have no interest in MMA. So, it would be very boring for me to do. Instead, I sit here pissed off. I still have another hour of this.
I don't know how to deal with the way that my brain is working right now. The doctor is making the assumption that I am going thru menopause early. It runs in my family. If that is the case then I can expect to be feeling like this for awhile.
I know that I really need to go to bed now. I feel like I really need to just sleep until all of this passes but I don't think that is going to be possible. I am also going to think about checking out over the counter estrogen medications. I have the side effects for menopause, so it is very likely. Missing my period for this long is also a serious thing. Luckily, I know that I am not pregnant. I don't want to give birth to anymore kids. I really would like to have a little baby around the house.
Wait maybe the cause of my recent want of another baby is also a side effect of menopause. your body is suppose to know when you can and can't get pregnant. I don't know for sure. I am just throwing out guesses right now. I really hate not knowing what is wrong with me. And I have been dealing with this for about years. They have been doing test after test and they haven't found one conclusive thing. They have found smaller things but nothing that answers all of the questions.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Anniversaries
This isn't the typical anniversary, it is the anniversary of something that I did many years ago. It is the 10th anniversary at that. I used to think about it all the time but somehow I haven't thought about it in years, except in a passing way. It is something that I would rather not say anything about right now.
The whole point of this post is to explain that I am on the verge of suicide but I don't know how to tell my husband that. I have already been feeling miserable but this is pushing me over the edge. Or, is it that because I am so down already that this is making me feel worse then I normally would?
My husband is my best friend but not even he can know how I am feeling. I love him for trying though. Tonight he says he is going to cuddle with me and try to make me feel better. I am hoping that I fall asleep early tonight and that I wake up in the morning without this on my mind.
I really need to find something to make me concentrate on something other then this. I will write more tomorrow about this. Hopefully I will be feeling better.
The whole point of this post is to explain that I am on the verge of suicide but I don't know how to tell my husband that. I have already been feeling miserable but this is pushing me over the edge. Or, is it that because I am so down already that this is making me feel worse then I normally would?
My husband is my best friend but not even he can know how I am feeling. I love him for trying though. Tonight he says he is going to cuddle with me and try to make me feel better. I am hoping that I fall asleep early tonight and that I wake up in the morning without this on my mind.
I really need to find something to make me concentrate on something other then this. I will write more tomorrow about this. Hopefully I will be feeling better.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
My Best Friend
It has been a very long 2 weeks. 2 weeks ago I went on a trip with my best friend to Canada. I thought that the trip up was very nice. 11 hours of talking non-stop. It really was a fun time. Once we got there though I was very nervous about the neighborhood that my car was going to be sitting in. I let it go because it was right in front of her sister's apartment. It looked like the Canadian version of the projects.
Luckily I had already gotten myself a room at a hotel near by. The hotel had internet access and a big queen sized bed. The hotel was only about 5 minutes away from her sister's place. However, on the second day I called her and asked her to bring me some dinner, this was at 3:30 and she was suppose to come by at 5:30. This is already late for me for dinner, but I didn't want to be a bother to her. Did I forget to mention that she was using my car? I didn't get dinner until 8:30 pm.
The ride home wasn't as good as the ride up. We didn't talk very much but it wasn't that bad. I was just so happy to be going home and laying in my own bed. I think that we got home around 10 and I was asleep by 10:30. My hubby was nice enough to make the bed and get me some treats for coming home.
I didn't talk to my friend for a couple of days because I was really upset at something she said to me on the way home. Her and I were talking about music and the fact that I don't just listen to anything. I prefer music that has a point and something that I agree with. She said that I should listen to music just for the beat. This upset me because we had this same argument years ago that caused us not to talk to each other for about a year.
That wasn't the worst though. The worst thing was when she said "Is that you talking or your husband". This really pissed me off but I didn't want to start anything on a 10 hour ride back home. You really don't want to start a fight when your stuck in a car with someone for that long.
So, I should be over this right? I am not though. I really don't like the insinuation that my husband tells me what to do or how to think. I have a mind of my own and if my best friend doesn't know that about me then there is something wrong with our relationship.
I still haven't said anything to her about it but I think about it every day. We have a dinner date this weekend but I don't know if I want to go or not. I also don't know if I should bring it up with her either before or at dinner, or if I want to bring it up at all.
She is a really good friend, we have a lot in common and we normally feel the same way about everything. I would really hate to lose her as a friend, but I don't like feeling this way about her. I would love to have another view of this. Maybe there is something that I am not seeing in this whole thing. My husband seems to be taking my side, but of course he would.
At least I can vent about it here and hopefully she will never read it. If she does I hope that she understands that I am very troubled about all of this and that I am just not sure how to talk t her about it.
Luckily I had already gotten myself a room at a hotel near by. The hotel had internet access and a big queen sized bed. The hotel was only about 5 minutes away from her sister's place. However, on the second day I called her and asked her to bring me some dinner, this was at 3:30 and she was suppose to come by at 5:30. This is already late for me for dinner, but I didn't want to be a bother to her. Did I forget to mention that she was using my car? I didn't get dinner until 8:30 pm.
The ride home wasn't as good as the ride up. We didn't talk very much but it wasn't that bad. I was just so happy to be going home and laying in my own bed. I think that we got home around 10 and I was asleep by 10:30. My hubby was nice enough to make the bed and get me some treats for coming home.
I didn't talk to my friend for a couple of days because I was really upset at something she said to me on the way home. Her and I were talking about music and the fact that I don't just listen to anything. I prefer music that has a point and something that I agree with. She said that I should listen to music just for the beat. This upset me because we had this same argument years ago that caused us not to talk to each other for about a year.
That wasn't the worst though. The worst thing was when she said "Is that you talking or your husband". This really pissed me off but I didn't want to start anything on a 10 hour ride back home. You really don't want to start a fight when your stuck in a car with someone for that long.
So, I should be over this right? I am not though. I really don't like the insinuation that my husband tells me what to do or how to think. I have a mind of my own and if my best friend doesn't know that about me then there is something wrong with our relationship.
I still haven't said anything to her about it but I think about it every day. We have a dinner date this weekend but I don't know if I want to go or not. I also don't know if I should bring it up with her either before or at dinner, or if I want to bring it up at all.
She is a really good friend, we have a lot in common and we normally feel the same way about everything. I would really hate to lose her as a friend, but I don't like feeling this way about her. I would love to have another view of this. Maybe there is something that I am not seeing in this whole thing. My husband seems to be taking my side, but of course he would.
At least I can vent about it here and hopefully she will never read it. If she does I hope that she understands that I am very troubled about all of this and that I am just not sure how to talk t her about it.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Dear Brother
I don't know what I can do for you anymore. I have given you all the advice that I have to give and yet you continue to screw up your life. There is only so much of your craziness that I can handle at one time. I guess I am kind of a wimp because I can't actually tell you any of this stuff myself. I want to tell you, trust me. I just don't know that you and I could have a "normal" relationship. You treat woman like trash and you expect me to clean up your messes. I don't want to do it anymore.
What can I tell you that will make you see that what you are doing is only bad for you and that you are not preparing yourself for the real world. For far too long I and every one else have been giving you everything that you need. I have to stop. I hope that everyone else does too. Maybe then you will hit bottom and have to do something to get back on your feet. Maybe it will take that for you to see that life isn't free.
You know that I love you. I would do anything for you, that is why things are so hard for me right now. I have enough money and health problems to deal with, then to deal with having to send you money every other week. Your going to have to get a job and your going to have to learn how to support yourself and maybe then you will realize that money isn't something you get just by asking for it.
I know that you are going to be pissed at me for awhile but I can live with that if it teaches you a thing or two about life. Your not a child anymore. You are an adult now. You have been for a while. And you need to stop looking for girlfriends based on what they can do for you. You need to give them something in return in order for it to be a good relationship.
Hopefully all will work out in the end. For now, I say good bye.
What can I tell you that will make you see that what you are doing is only bad for you and that you are not preparing yourself for the real world. For far too long I and every one else have been giving you everything that you need. I have to stop. I hope that everyone else does too. Maybe then you will hit bottom and have to do something to get back on your feet. Maybe it will take that for you to see that life isn't free.
You know that I love you. I would do anything for you, that is why things are so hard for me right now. I have enough money and health problems to deal with, then to deal with having to send you money every other week. Your going to have to get a job and your going to have to learn how to support yourself and maybe then you will realize that money isn't something you get just by asking for it.
I know that you are going to be pissed at me for awhile but I can live with that if it teaches you a thing or two about life. Your not a child anymore. You are an adult now. You have been for a while. And you need to stop looking for girlfriends based on what they can do for you. You need to give them something in return in order for it to be a good relationship.
Hopefully all will work out in the end. For now, I say good bye.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
My Best Friends 30th Birthday
Today is my best friends birthday. I had tried to hint around that I wanted her to take the day off and hang out with me the night before but i don't think that she got it. I really can't blame her, I should have just come right out and told her. However, she is going out to dinner tonight with her family, which is really cool because she loves family time. Then she told me that she is going to visit this woman that didn't even bother to call her on her birthday. I was a little hurt, but I am having emotion "female Issues" right now, so I didn't want to tell her what I was really thinking.
This is a person that has really pissed her off quite a bit over the last few months and it hurt my feelings. I didn't know at the moment if it was because it was my true feelings or if it was because I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY PERIOD IN 3 MONTHS. So the cramps are really bad now and I am doing my (according to my husband) I am pissed off funny routine. It seems that when I get seriously pissed off I don't like that feeling so I make jokes about how pissed off I am until I get better. This isn't a typical PMS thing for me because to be as honest as possible I don't get PMS, but I now feel for the women who do. I really hate this feeling I don't like the idea of not being able to control my feelings.
At the time of the call this afternoon i didn't want to start a fight not knowing whether this was a true feeling or not. Now that I have time to think about it and I am hoping to talk to my husband before I say anything to her about it. I would like a rational look at what is going on. I did say in a joking manner to her that it wasn't fair that I went out of the way to get her a gift and I even stayed up until 12 just to be the first person to say Happy Birthday to her and she was blowing me off to go see her other friend that didn't even remember to tell her happy birthday.
I felt really hurt by the whole thing, but like I said before, I really didn't know that it was a true emotion. I didn't want to lose a great friendship over something as stupid as this really. And I have to add that we already have plans to go out to dinner together next week. I want to take her out for dinner but I am going to contact her husband and I want to find out what she would really eat. The last time I took her our for dinner she just ordered the cheapest thing on the menu. I personally am going to order the best thing on the menu, Lobster stuffed with blue crab. If your familiar with Maryland we like anything with a side order of crab. I also order the Crab meat appetizer. I never have enough room for the whole lobster after all of that but it's good the next morning.
Okay, Happy Birthday to you even though you don't know I am writing this. I have to say that she is the closest that I have ever been to another woman since I was sleeping with one. And I have a sincere love for her and her family. I never want to lose her as a friend again. I don't know how I lucked on it but her and I are so alike it is so great. We never run ou tof things to talk about. And, we are both sex addicts and in every conversation we end up talking about sex. I think that I am more honest with her about sex then I am with my husband. I should work on that.
This is a person that has really pissed her off quite a bit over the last few months and it hurt my feelings. I didn't know at the moment if it was because it was my true feelings or if it was because I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY PERIOD IN 3 MONTHS. So the cramps are really bad now and I am doing my (according to my husband) I am pissed off funny routine. It seems that when I get seriously pissed off I don't like that feeling so I make jokes about how pissed off I am until I get better. This isn't a typical PMS thing for me because to be as honest as possible I don't get PMS, but I now feel for the women who do. I really hate this feeling I don't like the idea of not being able to control my feelings.
At the time of the call this afternoon i didn't want to start a fight not knowing whether this was a true feeling or not. Now that I have time to think about it and I am hoping to talk to my husband before I say anything to her about it. I would like a rational look at what is going on. I did say in a joking manner to her that it wasn't fair that I went out of the way to get her a gift and I even stayed up until 12 just to be the first person to say Happy Birthday to her and she was blowing me off to go see her other friend that didn't even remember to tell her happy birthday.
I felt really hurt by the whole thing, but like I said before, I really didn't know that it was a true emotion. I didn't want to lose a great friendship over something as stupid as this really. And I have to add that we already have plans to go out to dinner together next week. I want to take her out for dinner but I am going to contact her husband and I want to find out what she would really eat. The last time I took her our for dinner she just ordered the cheapest thing on the menu. I personally am going to order the best thing on the menu, Lobster stuffed with blue crab. If your familiar with Maryland we like anything with a side order of crab. I also order the Crab meat appetizer. I never have enough room for the whole lobster after all of that but it's good the next morning.
Okay, Happy Birthday to you even though you don't know I am writing this. I have to say that she is the closest that I have ever been to another woman since I was sleeping with one. And I have a sincere love for her and her family. I never want to lose her as a friend again. I don't know how I lucked on it but her and I are so alike it is so great. We never run ou tof things to talk about. And, we are both sex addicts and in every conversation we end up talking about sex. I think that I am more honest with her about sex then I am with my husband. I should work on that.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
My Father
I haven't spoken to my father in over 2 months. I actually changed my phone number so that he couldn't call me anymore. I just got sick of him. He is nothing but a drunk. I don't want that in my life anymore. I don't know why I ever tried to find him in the first place. Oh yeah! I found out that my mother made me lie to a judge when I was 10 and tell him that my father put a knife to my throat.
A quick note about my memories, I have 2 sets of memories. I have the ones that I see from a distance view, so I know they are the ones that my mother and family made up. And then I have the ones that I see from my own point of view, these are the ones that I know are real because I can tell that I really remember them. This is just my own opinion, I don't have any clinical proof that this is the case, but it's just a feeling that I have about how the brain and memory works.
It was the realization that I wouldn't put up with having a friend in my life that talked and treated me the way that he had been. Seeing as I never really had him in my life after the age of 10, he isn't really a father figure for me. And noticing that made me see that if I wouldn't choose a friend like that, why would I allow a bum like that in my life? I grew up that day I think.
This has made me a lot tougher and stronger when dealing with other people too. I am not going to take shit from people anymore. I used to let every one just walk all over me. My friends always said that my best quality was my forgiveness and sweetness. I don't want to be sweet or forgiving anymore. Does that make me a bad person? Personally I think that it makes me a better person. Now I will be more selective in my forgiveness and my caring ways.
To explain as quickly as possible about my history with my father, I was a daddy's girl when I was very young. Then my parents started fighting a lot, I remember it back as far back as when I was only 4 years old. I remember my father being drunk all of the time. I remember getting in the middle of my parents' fights and trying to make them be nice to each other. What I really remember is how loud it was in the house all of the time.
One thing that I remember specifically was a time when I was only 5 that my parents were so busy fighting and wanting to get away from each other and that the other was leaving that they both left me alone in the house. I had to make my own dinner and put myself to bed. I remember the following day that my mother still wasn't home.
To get to more recent times with my father, I got a call from him in December of 2003 and my father was in Virginia. He had walked from Eastern Shore Maryland to there in a snow storm. I felt bad for him so I called Greyhound and got him a bus ticket from where he was to Florida. I figured that it would get him into better weather (since he was going to be homeless) and it would also get him further away from me. I thought that he would be able to go down there and get a life. At 50 years old he had never owned anything, and he had never stayed out of jail for a full year since he was 15.
Amazingly it all started when he got to Florida. His first night there he had called to ask me to send him some money for a room and I could tell he was drunk so, I told him no. It would be another 6 months before I would start calling around to jails and hospitals to try and find him. I found him in prison. Apparently, he had broken into a car the first night in Florida and he was sentenced to 9 months in jail. I would send him money every other week, about $30-50 for his commissary, totaling about $600 in total.
When he was finally released from jail I sent him $300 to get on his feet but he never did. He just spent all the money on smokes and booze. After about a month on the street he was admitted into a mental hospital for 72 hours, this would happen more then 8 times in 8 months. In between his mental hospital visits he went into a regular hospital because he drank embalming fluid, they told me he was going to die and just before I bought the plane ticket to go down there he pulled through (sometimes I wonder if it had been better for both of us if he hadn't) and he would also get arrested about 4 times for trespassing and then 2 times for fleeing and eluding the police and the additional charge at one time for assault on a police officer.
He was really messing up down there, so he wanted to come back to Maryland. With me being very sick I wasn't going to let him stay here, and I knew that he would just sleep on my lawn and cause me more stress then I needed, so I wouldn't pay for him to come back. He called me one day and told me that the homeless shelter would send him back for free if I told them he could stay with me. My father swore to me that he was going to lie with his ex-girlfriend he just didn't know how to reach her by phone.
Needless to say, he got the bus back here and his ex had moved. So, he showed up at my door without notice. So the first thing I did was call my brother, who was living in Oklahoma at the time. I told my brother that I couldn't deal with my father and my brother said he would take him as long as I sent him out there. So, within 8 hours of the time my father got in from Florida I had him back on a bus to Oklahoma. I felt such relief that he was gone. I felt bad for my brother and happy that my brother was going to take this stress away from me.
Once my father got to Oklahoma, he started going to jail, saying inappropriate things about my brother's girlfriends daughter (a 7 year old girl) and he started drinking again. I forgot, supposedly (according to my father) he had quit drinking for a few months before he came back from Florida. He was drunk all of the time and he would call me in the middle of the night and early in the morning (after I told him not to many times).
When he started calling me "Stupid Bitch" because I told him that he was acting like a child and every time I would tell him that I knew he was drunk he would call me by my mother's name. Him calling me my mother's name upset me the most because he would spend every drunk second he had talking about how she is a slut, whore, bitch, and so many other things, by calling me my mother's name he was calling me all the things that he said about her all the time.
All I ever did was feel sorry for my father and tried to help him. He has never done anything for me, ever. I don't know why I put up with it for so long. I don't even know why I put so much into this relationship with him. It's not even about the money. The money I can get back, it's the time I spent trying to get to know him, it's the emotions that I felt when I had to deal with him, and all of the effort that I put in to trying to support him and tell him that he didn't need to drink. I could have done more with my family if I had never tried to get to know him.
Maybe it was to teach me something. I don't believe in God, as most people do, I believe in Karma. I know that eventually I will be rewarded for trying to help him and he will suffer for what he has done to me.
A quick note about my memories, I have 2 sets of memories. I have the ones that I see from a distance view, so I know they are the ones that my mother and family made up. And then I have the ones that I see from my own point of view, these are the ones that I know are real because I can tell that I really remember them. This is just my own opinion, I don't have any clinical proof that this is the case, but it's just a feeling that I have about how the brain and memory works.
It was the realization that I wouldn't put up with having a friend in my life that talked and treated me the way that he had been. Seeing as I never really had him in my life after the age of 10, he isn't really a father figure for me. And noticing that made me see that if I wouldn't choose a friend like that, why would I allow a bum like that in my life? I grew up that day I think.
This has made me a lot tougher and stronger when dealing with other people too. I am not going to take shit from people anymore. I used to let every one just walk all over me. My friends always said that my best quality was my forgiveness and sweetness. I don't want to be sweet or forgiving anymore. Does that make me a bad person? Personally I think that it makes me a better person. Now I will be more selective in my forgiveness and my caring ways.
To explain as quickly as possible about my history with my father, I was a daddy's girl when I was very young. Then my parents started fighting a lot, I remember it back as far back as when I was only 4 years old. I remember my father being drunk all of the time. I remember getting in the middle of my parents' fights and trying to make them be nice to each other. What I really remember is how loud it was in the house all of the time.
One thing that I remember specifically was a time when I was only 5 that my parents were so busy fighting and wanting to get away from each other and that the other was leaving that they both left me alone in the house. I had to make my own dinner and put myself to bed. I remember the following day that my mother still wasn't home.
To get to more recent times with my father, I got a call from him in December of 2003 and my father was in Virginia. He had walked from Eastern Shore Maryland to there in a snow storm. I felt bad for him so I called Greyhound and got him a bus ticket from where he was to Florida. I figured that it would get him into better weather (since he was going to be homeless) and it would also get him further away from me. I thought that he would be able to go down there and get a life. At 50 years old he had never owned anything, and he had never stayed out of jail for a full year since he was 15.
Amazingly it all started when he got to Florida. His first night there he had called to ask me to send him some money for a room and I could tell he was drunk so, I told him no. It would be another 6 months before I would start calling around to jails and hospitals to try and find him. I found him in prison. Apparently, he had broken into a car the first night in Florida and he was sentenced to 9 months in jail. I would send him money every other week, about $30-50 for his commissary, totaling about $600 in total.
When he was finally released from jail I sent him $300 to get on his feet but he never did. He just spent all the money on smokes and booze. After about a month on the street he was admitted into a mental hospital for 72 hours, this would happen more then 8 times in 8 months. In between his mental hospital visits he went into a regular hospital because he drank embalming fluid, they told me he was going to die and just before I bought the plane ticket to go down there he pulled through (sometimes I wonder if it had been better for both of us if he hadn't) and he would also get arrested about 4 times for trespassing and then 2 times for fleeing and eluding the police and the additional charge at one time for assault on a police officer.
He was really messing up down there, so he wanted to come back to Maryland. With me being very sick I wasn't going to let him stay here, and I knew that he would just sleep on my lawn and cause me more stress then I needed, so I wouldn't pay for him to come back. He called me one day and told me that the homeless shelter would send him back for free if I told them he could stay with me. My father swore to me that he was going to lie with his ex-girlfriend he just didn't know how to reach her by phone.
Needless to say, he got the bus back here and his ex had moved. So, he showed up at my door without notice. So the first thing I did was call my brother, who was living in Oklahoma at the time. I told my brother that I couldn't deal with my father and my brother said he would take him as long as I sent him out there. So, within 8 hours of the time my father got in from Florida I had him back on a bus to Oklahoma. I felt such relief that he was gone. I felt bad for my brother and happy that my brother was going to take this stress away from me.
Once my father got to Oklahoma, he started going to jail, saying inappropriate things about my brother's girlfriends daughter (a 7 year old girl) and he started drinking again. I forgot, supposedly (according to my father) he had quit drinking for a few months before he came back from Florida. He was drunk all of the time and he would call me in the middle of the night and early in the morning (after I told him not to many times).
When he started calling me "Stupid Bitch" because I told him that he was acting like a child and every time I would tell him that I knew he was drunk he would call me by my mother's name. Him calling me my mother's name upset me the most because he would spend every drunk second he had talking about how she is a slut, whore, bitch, and so many other things, by calling me my mother's name he was calling me all the things that he said about her all the time.
All I ever did was feel sorry for my father and tried to help him. He has never done anything for me, ever. I don't know why I put up with it for so long. I don't even know why I put so much into this relationship with him. It's not even about the money. The money I can get back, it's the time I spent trying to get to know him, it's the emotions that I felt when I had to deal with him, and all of the effort that I put in to trying to support him and tell him that he didn't need to drink. I could have done more with my family if I had never tried to get to know him.
Maybe it was to teach me something. I don't believe in God, as most people do, I believe in Karma. I know that eventually I will be rewarded for trying to help him and he will suffer for what he has done to me.
Monday, September 10, 2007
More Trouble with Sleep
I didn't go to bed until 2:30 am this morning and then I woke up at 5:30 in the morning. I only got 3 hours of sleep. I really don't know what the problem is but I am really happy that I got out all of that stuff about my brother. It has been on my mind everyday for 2 weeks now. I am so glad that I said everything that I wanted to say. And I know that he will never read it. I may never tell him how i feel but I did say it. And that is what really matters to me.
Being able to voice all of these thoughts that I have is a wonderful feeling. Lets all hope that I will be able to sleep tonight. If getting this off my chest didn't help then I will just keep trying each night until I figure out what will make me feel better. I am sure that I have plenty to say about a lot of things. I have noticed that just in the short while that I have been doing this site, more an more things are becoming less of a worry for me.
Maybe one day I won't need this site at all and I will just be able to face my family and friends and tell them exactly how I feel about them at any time. This is just my training ground. I hope that it helps me and maybe someone else in the process, even if it just to give you the idea to do this for yourself. Any recover stories would be welcome here always. prove to others that this is just as good as therapy.
Being able to voice all of these thoughts that I have is a wonderful feeling. Lets all hope that I will be able to sleep tonight. If getting this off my chest didn't help then I will just keep trying each night until I figure out what will make me feel better. I am sure that I have plenty to say about a lot of things. I have noticed that just in the short while that I have been doing this site, more an more things are becoming less of a worry for me.
Maybe one day I won't need this site at all and I will just be able to face my family and friends and tell them exactly how I feel about them at any time. This is just my training ground. I hope that it helps me and maybe someone else in the process, even if it just to give you the idea to do this for yourself. Any recover stories would be welcome here always. prove to others that this is just as good as therapy.
More on Family
Something that I wanted to talk about is My Brother. He was living here (in Maryland) with his ex (Girlfriend A) for a while. Then he started cheating on her (like always) with this younger girl (Girlfriend C) about 4 weeks ago. There was a lot of stuff going on with Girlfriend A. About a week after he left her for good (but he will probably come back to her when he leaves his new fling and has to move back to Maryland again). Girlfriend A would not let him back in the house to get any of his things so he had to call the police to go and get his shit from her.
Girlfriend A started shit with me and I put her in her place. Then I told her that if she called my house again I would have her charged with telephone harassment. She was under the impression that my brother was living with me again. I had to fill her in on the fact that he had been cheating on her for weeks now and that My Brother wasn't living with me because I wasn't going to put myself thru another $900 telephone bill from him calling porn lines and that I am way too sick to be putting up with his or her shit anymore.
The next night she tried to call My Brother here at my house from the cell phone that she took back from My Brother (I guess she didn’t want me to get her number). She wanted me to give My Brother a message and I told her quite bluntly that she was a stupid bitch and that My Brother had been cheating on her and that I wasn't going to be his secretary. I gave her a number where she could reach My Brother, it was Girlfriend C's cell phone number. She then called him and told him that she wanted to say her good byes and that it was his fault and then she said that she had taken all of My Brother's Zanex that she had kept. My Brother then called her parents and told them to go and check on her in the basement. Apparently they found her on the floor of the basement and she couldn’t move, they had to call an ambulance to come get her. They put her in a mental hospital for a few days. Her parents now blame My Brother that she lost her job at the hospital, but that was her own fault.
When she had called me months ago to help her to order a bus ticket for My Brother to come back here I told her "do you really think he is going to stay this time?" and she told me that she loved him and they were going to get married and have a baby together. I told her that My Brother will never change " he is going to leave you as soon as he finds someone else" and she told me to stay out of their business, that it was me who talked him into leaving her the last time. So I couldn't help but to tell her "I told you so", the first chance that I had.
The younger girl isn't as bad as Girlfriend A, Girlfriend A is a psycho bitch that really stalks My Brother every time he leaves her and she was going to kill herself over a guy that left her so many times, I really think that she was trying to get him back, she is a nurse she would know how many pills it would take to kill her and I think that she took just enough to make herself sick, but not to die. The new girl is a Meth head, she lost 100 pounds in 1 year, that is impossible to do without serious drug use.
Girlfriend C (the new girl) said that she was pregnant by My Brother only 3 weeks after they started dating. What really worries me whether the baby is My Brother's or not. She keeps doing Meth, will the baby survive or be addicted when it is born? I really think that she already knew that she was pregnant and My Brother is just a better catch then the guy who really knocked her up. I also wonder if she really is pregnant. There is know way you can know within 2 weeks of being pregnant that you are.
I had a long talk with My Brother about wearing protection, and he said that he isn't ready to be a father and that he thought she was on birth control. He was really afraid. He told me that if she doesn't have an abortion he is going to kill himself. I told him that he better not tell her that or even ask her to get an abortion, because when he eventually leaves this girl she is really going to regret making that choice. I told him that you can't make a woman make that choice.
I think that he will tell her to get one anyway because I found out from his ex in Oklahoma (Girlfriend B, I still talk to her about once a week on the phone and just about everyday on the computer) that when she thought she was pregnant about 8 months ago, he told her the same thing and she told him to go ahead and kill himself because she wasn't going to live with that decision. Luckily, she wasn't pregnant and didn't have to figure out the hard way whether my brother would stick around or not.
But I can say that as soon as she started thinking she was pregnant My Brother started telling me that he was trying to save money to move back here, at the same time he bought her a ring and was pretending that he was coming out here just to visit and that he was defiantly coming back to her. It took him about 4 months to get his probation sorted out and in that time Girlfriend A had sent him over $5000 to fix his cars and thinking that he was coming out each time. My Brother only came back to Girlfriend A because she would take him and that she had money.
Back to the story, His girls keep telling me that they think that once he is faced with a baby he will grow up. I think that it is more like, when My Brother finally hits rock bottom and has no one to help he is going to have to grow up. As long as he has a woman in his life that will put up with him not working and not taking care of himself in anyway, he might then have a light-bulb go off that makes him realize that he has to take care of himself. And the other option is that he actually falls in love with a girl and she dumps him and then he might just see what it feels like to be hurt so badly, that is less likely to happen though since you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.
I don't give him money for anything anymore. After I became good friends with his ex in Oklahoma. I found out that he was lying to me all of the time about the things he wanted money for and mostly he would tell me it was to see the doctor or for medication and I later found out that it was all used to buy drugs and alcohol. That really pisses me off. And he tries to tell me that Girlfriend B was lying to me, but she has details that she wouldn't have known if she hadn't been right there listening.
My Brother believes that my husband and me are rich. Admittedly, my husband has a good job with the government. But the more money you have the more bills you have to pay. It’s ridiculous that my family is always thinking that I am the bank of the family. And it's not even really my money, it would be different if I had a job, but my husband is already taking care of my grandmother because no one else wanted to live with her. My Brother always talks about paying me back and apparently he told my mother that the reason he doesn't have any money right now is because he paid me back all the money that he owes me, I haven’t seen a dime of the $320 he owes me.
I am pretty sure that he spent all of his money on drugs and that is why out of his $650 check he only had $150 left the very next day. He is now calling me and asking me for money because he can't afford to pay for his prescriptions. I felt bad telling him that I didn't have any money.
I felt even more guilty that I actually did have the money and I could have easily just went online and sent him $50. However, I don't know that it really was for his medications or not. He could just be out of money and he wants to buy some drugs. He also lies to his doctors and tells them that the last doctor prescribed him Adderall (which is an ADHD medication that gets you high if you don't really need it). He was stealing his girlfriends daughter's pills when he was in Oklahoma. He is just using the system to get drugs (legally he believes). I can't contribute to his habit if that is what he is doing.
Back to Girlfriend C (his current girlfriend), I don't like her at all, and that is before I found out that she was pregnant (or at least might be). She would come over to my house and just get on my computer without even asking. I had to turn off my computer when I knew they were coming over and tell them that it wasn't working just so that she would want to leave sooner. I felt like her and My Brother were just using my for Internet access. My Brother would sometimes just sit down at my computer and not even talk to me for hours while he was here.
Another thing that Girlfriend C would do is say "hand me the phone" not "may I please use your phone" or "could you hand me the phone, please?", that pissed me off so bad. Another less annoying but enough to piss me off was that when I get my period, I stock up on chocolate (like most woman) and she would come over and just start taking my chocolate out of my emergency jar without saying a word. I would have let her have some but Jeez, she really should have asked. And I have a mini fridge here in the basement because of my bad knees (so I don't have to go up and down the stairs too much) that I keep stocked with Mountain Dew. My brother always gets himself a soda when he comes over but she thought I liked her so she would just help herself to that too.
Now, my brother finally got all of his stuff out of his ex's (Girlfriend A's) place. He moved to New York to live with my mother last weekend (While I was in Canada) because without Girlfriend A, My Brother had nowhere to stay. He was living on friends’ floors and paying them $10 a day to live with them. He took Girlfriend C with him to NY too because he thought she was pregnant.
My Brother felt that if she was pregnant that he couldn't leave her. I really think that is what she was counting on because she quit her job 2 days before he was leaving and told him that she had nowhere to live if she didn't have a job. I really think that she is trying to trap him.
Girlfriend A started shit with me and I put her in her place. Then I told her that if she called my house again I would have her charged with telephone harassment. She was under the impression that my brother was living with me again. I had to fill her in on the fact that he had been cheating on her for weeks now and that My Brother wasn't living with me because I wasn't going to put myself thru another $900 telephone bill from him calling porn lines and that I am way too sick to be putting up with his or her shit anymore.
The next night she tried to call My Brother here at my house from the cell phone that she took back from My Brother (I guess she didn’t want me to get her number). She wanted me to give My Brother a message and I told her quite bluntly that she was a stupid bitch and that My Brother had been cheating on her and that I wasn't going to be his secretary. I gave her a number where she could reach My Brother, it was Girlfriend C's cell phone number. She then called him and told him that she wanted to say her good byes and that it was his fault and then she said that she had taken all of My Brother's Zanex that she had kept. My Brother then called her parents and told them to go and check on her in the basement. Apparently they found her on the floor of the basement and she couldn’t move, they had to call an ambulance to come get her. They put her in a mental hospital for a few days. Her parents now blame My Brother that she lost her job at the hospital, but that was her own fault.
When she had called me months ago to help her to order a bus ticket for My Brother to come back here I told her "do you really think he is going to stay this time?" and she told me that she loved him and they were going to get married and have a baby together. I told her that My Brother will never change " he is going to leave you as soon as he finds someone else" and she told me to stay out of their business, that it was me who talked him into leaving her the last time. So I couldn't help but to tell her "I told you so", the first chance that I had.
The younger girl isn't as bad as Girlfriend A, Girlfriend A is a psycho bitch that really stalks My Brother every time he leaves her and she was going to kill herself over a guy that left her so many times, I really think that she was trying to get him back, she is a nurse she would know how many pills it would take to kill her and I think that she took just enough to make herself sick, but not to die. The new girl is a Meth head, she lost 100 pounds in 1 year, that is impossible to do without serious drug use.
Girlfriend C (the new girl) said that she was pregnant by My Brother only 3 weeks after they started dating. What really worries me whether the baby is My Brother's or not. She keeps doing Meth, will the baby survive or be addicted when it is born? I really think that she already knew that she was pregnant and My Brother is just a better catch then the guy who really knocked her up. I also wonder if she really is pregnant. There is know way you can know within 2 weeks of being pregnant that you are.
I had a long talk with My Brother about wearing protection, and he said that he isn't ready to be a father and that he thought she was on birth control. He was really afraid. He told me that if she doesn't have an abortion he is going to kill himself. I told him that he better not tell her that or even ask her to get an abortion, because when he eventually leaves this girl she is really going to regret making that choice. I told him that you can't make a woman make that choice.
I think that he will tell her to get one anyway because I found out from his ex in Oklahoma (Girlfriend B, I still talk to her about once a week on the phone and just about everyday on the computer) that when she thought she was pregnant about 8 months ago, he told her the same thing and she told him to go ahead and kill himself because she wasn't going to live with that decision. Luckily, she wasn't pregnant and didn't have to figure out the hard way whether my brother would stick around or not.
But I can say that as soon as she started thinking she was pregnant My Brother started telling me that he was trying to save money to move back here, at the same time he bought her a ring and was pretending that he was coming out here just to visit and that he was defiantly coming back to her. It took him about 4 months to get his probation sorted out and in that time Girlfriend A had sent him over $5000 to fix his cars and thinking that he was coming out each time. My Brother only came back to Girlfriend A because she would take him and that she had money.
Back to the story, His girls keep telling me that they think that once he is faced with a baby he will grow up. I think that it is more like, when My Brother finally hits rock bottom and has no one to help he is going to have to grow up. As long as he has a woman in his life that will put up with him not working and not taking care of himself in anyway, he might then have a light-bulb go off that makes him realize that he has to take care of himself. And the other option is that he actually falls in love with a girl and she dumps him and then he might just see what it feels like to be hurt so badly, that is less likely to happen though since you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.
I don't give him money for anything anymore. After I became good friends with his ex in Oklahoma. I found out that he was lying to me all of the time about the things he wanted money for and mostly he would tell me it was to see the doctor or for medication and I later found out that it was all used to buy drugs and alcohol. That really pisses me off. And he tries to tell me that Girlfriend B was lying to me, but she has details that she wouldn't have known if she hadn't been right there listening.
My Brother believes that my husband and me are rich. Admittedly, my husband has a good job with the government. But the more money you have the more bills you have to pay. It’s ridiculous that my family is always thinking that I am the bank of the family. And it's not even really my money, it would be different if I had a job, but my husband is already taking care of my grandmother because no one else wanted to live with her. My Brother always talks about paying me back and apparently he told my mother that the reason he doesn't have any money right now is because he paid me back all the money that he owes me, I haven’t seen a dime of the $320 he owes me.
I am pretty sure that he spent all of his money on drugs and that is why out of his $650 check he only had $150 left the very next day. He is now calling me and asking me for money because he can't afford to pay for his prescriptions. I felt bad telling him that I didn't have any money.
I felt even more guilty that I actually did have the money and I could have easily just went online and sent him $50. However, I don't know that it really was for his medications or not. He could just be out of money and he wants to buy some drugs. He also lies to his doctors and tells them that the last doctor prescribed him Adderall (which is an ADHD medication that gets you high if you don't really need it). He was stealing his girlfriends daughter's pills when he was in Oklahoma. He is just using the system to get drugs (legally he believes). I can't contribute to his habit if that is what he is doing.
Back to Girlfriend C (his current girlfriend), I don't like her at all, and that is before I found out that she was pregnant (or at least might be). She would come over to my house and just get on my computer without even asking. I had to turn off my computer when I knew they were coming over and tell them that it wasn't working just so that she would want to leave sooner. I felt like her and My Brother were just using my for Internet access. My Brother would sometimes just sit down at my computer and not even talk to me for hours while he was here.
Another thing that Girlfriend C would do is say "hand me the phone" not "may I please use your phone" or "could you hand me the phone, please?", that pissed me off so bad. Another less annoying but enough to piss me off was that when I get my period, I stock up on chocolate (like most woman) and she would come over and just start taking my chocolate out of my emergency jar without saying a word. I would have let her have some but Jeez, she really should have asked. And I have a mini fridge here in the basement because of my bad knees (so I don't have to go up and down the stairs too much) that I keep stocked with Mountain Dew. My brother always gets himself a soda when he comes over but she thought I liked her so she would just help herself to that too.
Now, my brother finally got all of his stuff out of his ex's (Girlfriend A's) place. He moved to New York to live with my mother last weekend (While I was in Canada) because without Girlfriend A, My Brother had nowhere to stay. He was living on friends’ floors and paying them $10 a day to live with them. He took Girlfriend C with him to NY too because he thought she was pregnant.
My Brother felt that if she was pregnant that he couldn't leave her. I really think that is what she was counting on because she quit her job 2 days before he was leaving and told him that she had nowhere to live if she didn't have a job. I really think that she is trying to trap him.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
A Female Problem
Normally I am not very open about my female problems but since this is anonymous I feel like I can speak freely and hopefully get some advice or help someone else in the process. I have been tracking all of my female problems, it's a great site and it is worth paying the yearly fee for the extra features if you have any problems in this area because you can print out charts that you can then take you your doctor. The site is MyMonthlyCycles.com.
The problem that I have been having is that my periods are getting further and further apart. I am only 31 but my mother went through menopause at the age of 35 and my aunt at 32. It is very possible that the time has come for me too. My doctors however don't think it is possible. I don't know how to make them really take it seriously. Another option might be one of my auto immune disorders.
About 5 years ago I was diagnosed with arthritis, 3 years ago they found out that I also had a thyroid condition, lastly they think that I also have lupus. So, the problem could be a side effect of one of these conditions.
My periods are getting further and further apart from each other. According to the calendars that I have been keeping since January, I have only had my period 3 times in the last 9 months. My last period was over 3 months ago. I am getting cramps and everything but no luck yet.
I wouldn't be disappointed if this is early menopause. I have already decided that I don't want anymore kids. I just wish that I knew what the problem is. At the same time I am afraid to go in for an exam because I don't want to have her get down there and have it start. So I am waiting for the next time to come and then make an appointment. That could be awhile from now for all I know, it could also be tomorrow.
Is there anyone reading this who can tell me from experience what the symptoms of menopause are? Especially early menopause? I have had an issue with feeling really cold and then really hot. I have had trouble sleeping more and more as time goes by. I am easily irritated, which I never used to be. I am having the typical PMS symptoms, that I never had before. If you have any tips or help please respond to this, I am desperate.
The problem that I have been having is that my periods are getting further and further apart. I am only 31 but my mother went through menopause at the age of 35 and my aunt at 32. It is very possible that the time has come for me too. My doctors however don't think it is possible. I don't know how to make them really take it seriously. Another option might be one of my auto immune disorders.
About 5 years ago I was diagnosed with arthritis, 3 years ago they found out that I also had a thyroid condition, lastly they think that I also have lupus. So, the problem could be a side effect of one of these conditions.
My periods are getting further and further apart from each other. According to the calendars that I have been keeping since January, I have only had my period 3 times in the last 9 months. My last period was over 3 months ago. I am getting cramps and everything but no luck yet.
I wouldn't be disappointed if this is early menopause. I have already decided that I don't want anymore kids. I just wish that I knew what the problem is. At the same time I am afraid to go in for an exam because I don't want to have her get down there and have it start. So I am waiting for the next time to come and then make an appointment. That could be awhile from now for all I know, it could also be tomorrow.
Is there anyone reading this who can tell me from experience what the symptoms of menopause are? Especially early menopause? I have had an issue with feeling really cold and then really hot. I have had trouble sleeping more and more as time goes by. I am easily irritated, which I never used to be. I am having the typical PMS symptoms, that I never had before. If you have any tips or help please respond to this, I am desperate.
48 hours
I have been awake for over 48 hours. I really don't know what is wrong with me. It has been a long time since I have had such hard trouble sleeping. I used to go 3 or 4 days without sleeping when I was in my teens. Since then I have been on medication to help me to sleep. Lately I have been feeling like it isn't working as well. I will have to talk to my doctor soon. This is just ridiculous.
The last time I tried to talk to my shrink about not sleeping, she told me that I was "too needy" and that "with PTSD you are not going to be able to expect to sleep well without a weekly visit to the therapist". I don't know whether to believe her or not, but I am not willing to try and see a therapist either. So, I guess I am stuck, where can you get Valerian Root?
The last time I tried to talk to my shrink about not sleeping, she told me that I was "too needy" and that "with PTSD you are not going to be able to expect to sleep well without a weekly visit to the therapist". I don't know whether to believe her or not, but I am not willing to try and see a therapist either. So, I guess I am stuck, where can you get Valerian Root?
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Quiting Smoking
I think that I am going to quit smoking. I have done some research on this new drug called Chantix and I think I am going to give it a try. It is suppose to work by attaching to the parts of the brain that get pleasure from smoking and basically take away the good feeling. I really think that it will work for me. I still have to get approval from my shrink and get the prescription from my doctor. I called up the local Target and found out that it only costs $117 for the starter pack, which is a one month supply. That is so much cheaper then what I am spending on cigarettes these days. I am up to almost 3 packs a day. That really isn't good for me and I know it.
I have been a smoker since I was about 14. I have been at least a pack a day smoker since then and more recently I have been at least a 2 pack a day smoker. It just keeps getting worse with time.
My health is really bad too. I have a Thyroid problem, Arthritis, Lupus, Bi-Polar, Insomnia, bad lungs, coughing, high cholesterol and even trouble with my immune system. For myself and my family I need to quit. It's really the best thing that I can do for myself.
Why do I want to quit? Maybe I should make a list.
I have been a smoker since I was about 14. I have been at least a pack a day smoker since then and more recently I have been at least a 2 pack a day smoker. It just keeps getting worse with time.
My health is really bad too. I have a Thyroid problem, Arthritis, Lupus, Bi-Polar, Insomnia, bad lungs, coughing, high cholesterol and even trouble with my immune system. For myself and my family I need to quit. It's really the best thing that I can do for myself.
Why do I want to quit? Maybe I should make a list.
- I am sick of being sick all of the time
- I want to live longer
- I want to spend more time with my family
- I hate smelling like cigarettes
- My room and clothes smell like smoke no matter what I do
- I am coughing a lot, that would end
- My husband would quit again too and I wouldn't feel guilty about smoking while he quit
- I want to live longer
- Cancer runs in my family, and it would reduce my risk
- I could actually wear perfume and the like
- I would be able to breath better
- I would be able to taste food better
- I would overall be happier and proud of myself for doing it finally
- We would have more money (about$330 per month)
- We would be able to do more
- I would reduce the risk of having heart or lung diseases
- My kids would be less likely to start smoking
- I could have a nice fresh scent around my house and I can wash all of my clothes on my quit day and never have to worry about smelling bad again
- I think that I would make more friends if I could quit smoking
- I would really like to go swimming in the local indoor pool for health reasons and smoking has kept me from doing that
- I want to be able to go out to eat and not have to sneak out for a smoke, the same for movies.
- Because I have a lot of stress in my life and it seems that smoking helps me to cope with all the things that stress me out.
- I like the feeling of smoking, which is why I would smoke the nicotine free cigarettes if they still have them (at Rite Aid) while on Chantix, until I can handle dealing with the physical addiction
- Because the first cigarette that I smoked was on the day that my grandfather died and it makes me remember him, even though it is such a stupid thing to say
- It is relaxing in the morning, after I eat and especially after sex. Nothing else could ever compare to a cigarette after sex.
- I smoke a lot when I am alone. I hate being alone, so I will have to start venturing out of the house to do something each day
- Smoking is always there for me when I am depressed
- All of my friends smoke and I fit in with them
- I find it very hard to quit, I have tired about 4 times to quit and I haven't made it more then 4 days without going back to smoking
- It keeps me from gaining too much weight. Really...I would eat so much more if I didn't smoke
- Get Okay from Shrink
- Get RX from my doctor
- Take the pills for a week before my quit date (October 2007)
- Smoke the Nicotine Free cigrettes for as long as I have too
- Continue with pills until 12 th week
- If I still have not quit, get another 12 week supply
- Finally quit
- Use the money that we would spend on smokes on a family vacation
Friday, September 7, 2007
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
The "D" word. It's a really serious thing. Why do I think about it so much? Is it because I feel like I better leave him before he leaves me? Or is it that I really think that I am not happy anymore? I don't really know. I love my husband, he's a great guy. He is also a great father.
Truly, the only complaints that I have is that I want sex so much more then he does and he can sometimes be a little bit "unavailable" and I have a very hard time telling him exactly what I need from him. It's not that I am really that unhappy. It's just that I feel like I need things that I am not getting from him. It starts to make me feel bad after a while. I go through this for about 4 weeks every year or so.
We have been married for about 8 years and I still don't know how to tell him what will make me happy. Part of that is because I have the female disorder of wanting a guy to "know" what I want. I feel like if I have to tell him what I want then he is only doing it because I told him and not at all because he wants to make me happy. (This is a very common disorder in women.)
When it comes to sex, I am a real addict. I want sex everyday and my husband can go months without it. It drives me nuts. On top of that the only time that we have sex is when I am the one getting things going. How is this suppose to make me feel? Why isn't he jumping on me after a few days? Am I that repulsive? Luckily, I know that he isn't cheating on me. And I know for a fact that he would never do that to me.
What do I do though? How do I tell my husband that I am not happy, even though he is wonderful in every way. I am just not happy with some things. I want more sex and I want more compassion.
The big question here is, can a man be that perfect? or, do I really want to ruin a perfect marriage because of a few rather big things to me, but small things in comparison to the overall picture? Is it even something that I want to bring up (again)? Am I wrong for expecting these things? Is he really that old at 32 to be having sex all the time?
So many questions and I don't know where to find the answers. I really don't want a divorce. I really want to be happy. I want to be happy with him. I want to be with him forever. At the same time I want sex more and I want to feel like I have his undivided attention.
If you have any ideas I would be happy to hear them.
Truly, the only complaints that I have is that I want sex so much more then he does and he can sometimes be a little bit "unavailable" and I have a very hard time telling him exactly what I need from him. It's not that I am really that unhappy. It's just that I feel like I need things that I am not getting from him. It starts to make me feel bad after a while. I go through this for about 4 weeks every year or so.
We have been married for about 8 years and I still don't know how to tell him what will make me happy. Part of that is because I have the female disorder of wanting a guy to "know" what I want. I feel like if I have to tell him what I want then he is only doing it because I told him and not at all because he wants to make me happy. (This is a very common disorder in women.)
When it comes to sex, I am a real addict. I want sex everyday and my husband can go months without it. It drives me nuts. On top of that the only time that we have sex is when I am the one getting things going. How is this suppose to make me feel? Why isn't he jumping on me after a few days? Am I that repulsive? Luckily, I know that he isn't cheating on me. And I know for a fact that he would never do that to me.
What do I do though? How do I tell my husband that I am not happy, even though he is wonderful in every way. I am just not happy with some things. I want more sex and I want more compassion.
The big question here is, can a man be that perfect? or, do I really want to ruin a perfect marriage because of a few rather big things to me, but small things in comparison to the overall picture? Is it even something that I want to bring up (again)? Am I wrong for expecting these things? Is he really that old at 32 to be having sex all the time?
So many questions and I don't know where to find the answers. I really don't want a divorce. I really want to be happy. I want to be happy with him. I want to be with him forever. At the same time I want sex more and I want to feel like I have his undivided attention.
If you have any ideas I would be happy to hear them.
Ramble On and On
Hello and welcome to my hell hole. This is my life and I am about to engage in the act of purging my brain. You are welcome to join me in this crazy venture of getting the cobwebs out of my brain and attempting to make sense of all the crap going on in my head.
Every good book begins with a preface, I guess I should do the same. Here I am a full grown woman and yet I still feel like I am the same hurt little child that I was some 25 years ago. Why?, you may ask, well that will become clearer to you as you read more of what I write. The whole purpose of me doing this is so that I can deal with my feelings and not have my friends or family know any of this. So this is a secret, shhhh!
I thought that the black theme suited my feelings right now. Maybe in the future that will change. My shrink gave me this idea because she told me that writing a book, or journal about my life would help me. I don't know how true that is but I am willing to give it a try. Who knows I may even cure myself with this outlet to my problems.
Every good book begins with a preface, I guess I should do the same. Here I am a full grown woman and yet I still feel like I am the same hurt little child that I was some 25 years ago. Why?, you may ask, well that will become clearer to you as you read more of what I write. The whole purpose of me doing this is so that I can deal with my feelings and not have my friends or family know any of this. So this is a secret, shhhh!
I thought that the black theme suited my feelings right now. Maybe in the future that will change. My shrink gave me this idea because she told me that writing a book, or journal about my life would help me. I don't know how true that is but I am willing to give it a try. Who knows I may even cure myself with this outlet to my problems.
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